Happy New Year!!

2008 is upon us… I can't believe it! I was trying to think about what to blog about and I thought I would look back at my past blogs for the year to find out what I did. Most of my adventures run together and I can't believe that some of them happened a year ago! They seem like yesterday…

Here is the run down of great things (and sometimes not so great) that happened to me in 2007:

I went to a strip club for the first time.

My friends, Brian, Christine and Justin moved down to Savannah.

Moved to a new place within Savannah.

I sold my house.

I saw many friends from back in the day: most memorable has been Jenny (and husband John), Holly (and husband Seth) and Heather (and husband Gary) and all their respective children. Hanging out with J. Wood here in Savannah and in Macon! Good times there! And seeing good friends like Casey and her husband play in their band Paris Luna.

Went to a wedding. (Steph)

Went to a baby shower. (Holly)

Met new people. (Linds, Grayson, Leslie…)

My car got towed.

Met a celebrity. (Miss J from America's Next Top Model)

Started singing karaoke a lot!

Got pulled over and asked to take a breathalyzer.

Played Cranium with friends.

Played in a Guitar Hero tournament.

Had some GREAT beach days with all the friends!

I know there were many other fun and great things that happened, most of them small, yet they made such a difference in how much fun I had this year! I am wishing you ALL at great 2008!!!

I can't wait to see what happens next year!

I love you all!

Jess

My Merry Christmas!

My Christmas was awesome, as usual. Family and friends is such a great part of Christmas for me. Especially since I am now at an age where getting more stuff is more of an inconvenience than anything else. The only thing I can think of is "where am I going to put THAT?!" Thankfully, this year, everything was totally put-able somewhere. Some gift cards that get put in my wallet and used to buy important things like underwear and toilet paper. PJ's that are so wonderfully soft and sleepable. And some money from my G-Ma that has already been put to use buying gas to get back home!

So we left on Sunday around 11:00. The drive down I-16 is very, very boring. About an hour and a half into the drive I see pretty lights in the rear view which was then followed by an exasperated "Oh shit" sigh from me. Georgia State Patrol aka God's Special People had decided that I was speeding. I had the cruise control on and I am pretty darn sure that I set that sucker at 75 (speed limit is 70) so yes, technically, I guess I was speeding, but Officer Young Buck said I was going 85. This is just the beginning. He comes around to Krystal's side of the vehicle and asks for the normal identification. He takes a look and asks me to step out of the vehicle. He asks if I had been drinking tonight because I reeked of alcohol. Pssshhhaahhh! WHAT?! Bastard is insulting my perfume! Anyway, he tells me he is going to conduct a field sobriety test, so I get a little excited that I am going to get to walk the line and say my ABC's. (I practiced the LMNOP part in my head a little – taking advise from Sylvia from Intervention. According to her, that is where they getcha cause you go lmnop really fast and slur it) BUT, instead he just made me blow. Twice. Both times I came up at .05, because, yes, I did have a beer before I left Savannah an HOUR ago. Let it be known that the limit is .08, I was well under.

Since he didn't get me on the drunk driving part he THEN decides to accuse us of trafficking drugs. Apparently the Jeep smelled like marijuana to him. So he tells Krystal to get out of the Jeep and says that it just reeks (apparently this is his new favorite word that he just learned in GSP school last week). We tell him that there are no drugs in the vehicle and that we don't even smoke weed. He says he does this everyday and has been doing it a long time and he knows what he smells. SO we give him permission to search the vehicle. It is getting to be slightly entertaining at this point cause he is just looking like a dumbass now. Other than the fact that we are standing on the side of I-16 at 12:30 in the morning and it is freezing, this could have been even MORE fun! After the fact I thought about how, if we were not in such a hurry to get to Macon AND it was so cold, we should have asked for the dogs to be brought out, along with is superior officer, cause this is total harassment. So Officer Ima Badass says that he is finding TONS of (pot) seeds in the floor of the car. Mmmkk. See that is interesting there Officer, cause WE DON'T SMOKE WEED, we drink like damn fish, but geeezus, there is really no pot in there! Again, I think we were both just so frustrated with the situation that we didn't bother to ask about these seeds that he was finding, we just stood there shaking our heads. In hindsight, I would have LOVED to see what he THOUGHT were seeds. We did, however, take a look later, we found some sesame seeds from our hamburgers along with your common variety of seeds that come from various plants such as Bahia grass. This is a Jeep after all and we do take it out at times to go off road.

After he turns up nothing he comes back to us and tells us that we are incredibly intoxicated and we need to get off at the next exit and get something to eat. HELLO!!! I blew a .05! I could get that from using mouthwash!! Are you KIDDING! He also tells us that we need to get rid of the marijuana in the car. 'TARD.

After about 30 minutes of him looking ridiculous he says he is going to let me go with a warning. WOW…YA THINK? Amazing really…cause if he really did think I was intoxicated, hauling drugs AND speeding one would venture to guess that he would write me a ticket for SOMETHING.

So, yeah, that is how it started off. Let me just say that we did get lucky in one aspect. Krystal did have a beer with her about 30 minutes before we got pulled over, but when we stopped to get something to eat she threw it away. For that I am thankful cause open container is a pretty hefty fine!

Other than that lil fiasco the rest of the trip was great! I got to see my basketball coach Derzi and that was a nice visit. I also got to visit with my good friends from way back (4th grade to be exact) Holly and Heather. They both have BEAUTIFUL children and Heather is due to have a baby boy in the early months of next year! I got to meet Holly's little boy William for the first time; what a sweetheart! I also got to see Heather's baby girl, Gracie, again, but this time she was actually talking. She is gorgeous and full of energy! I like her already!

It was good to see family as well…lots of good food as usual!

Mom and Dad bought them and the boys a nice 50" plasma. I can't believe that I won't be there to enjoy it, but WHATEVER, I'm not mad. NO, nuh uh, not me. Nope. [sticking tongue out]

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I expect the new year to be as great as the last!!

I do have a funny story to tell that has nothing to do with Christmas, but a little to do with family.

My family went to church with this lady and her husband back when I was quite young. The husband fell ill (proper use of grammar there, thank you) sometime earlier this year and went into a coma. During his coma the kids, and even his mother, were in his room arguing about money that they were going to get and basically acted like a bunch of vultures ready to feed. Well, he woke up…and he had heard EVERYTHING. He immediately went and got his will changed, gave everything to his wife, even wrote his own MOTHER out of the will, and ended up dying about six months after that. The kids got NOTHING. Sweet justice that is! I told my mom and dad to spend EVERYTHING! I can't really speak for my brothers, but as the oldest I will, I insist that my parents enjoy themselves and spend everything they worked for…I think they are getting a good start by buying that plasma…so keep it up mom and dad!!!

In Honor Of...

In honor of Office Mate posting that very hilarious sign...I found a few more that made me laugh oh so much:

Excess

I have excessively been going out these last few weeks (months) and I will successfully be staying in tonight.

Don't call. Don't write. I will be dead.

Other than that, about a week ago we were trying to figure out which cat to kill for pissing on the carpet. The house smelled like a mixture between cat pee and sour laundry. I had almost pinned downed the culprit when I was frolicking through the living room, in only my socks, and I stepped upon a wet spot. I did the normal wet sock dance (eww ewww yuck eww) and then investigated. Water. Freakin stupid effing mother bleeping air/heating unit leaked everywhere...AGAIN. (3rd time)

The cats were innocent the whole time.

I called the air dude and the carpet dude and the carpet dude called back first. He came out and sucked out all the water he could and then stripped back the carpet from whence forth a putrid smell arose, it was god awful nasty. I think if we had let it sit for another week we could have grown some tasty mushrooms and other fungus of your liking.

The carpet dude pulled out the padding and said we had to let it dry out for a week or so. So the house is totally overturned, the carpet is lumpy in spots and hard to walk on without the padding there. It smells SO MUCH BETTER though!

Ah, Children!

Joe (the boss) is gone for the holidays...he went skiing in Colorado with his kids, so I am here at work re-arranging files and writing blogs...

There is a lady here at work that has custody of her grandson, who is five.

Wednesday she gets a note from his school saying they need to have a conference because of some behavior issues in the classroom and wanted her to meet the teacher and principal at 7:30 the next morning. She couldn't meet them then, but was able to make it this morning.

They told her that the class was learning their letters i.e. A is for...what? Absinthe, exactly. B is for....Beer. Yes, very good class...ok, just kidding, anyway, A is for Apple and B is for Box and so on and so forth. Well, they get to "N" and the teacher calls on Lil "J" - and yes, at this point I am really holding my breath, living in the South and all, I was prepared for the something rhyming with chigger, but alas, Lil "J" stands up and says, "N is for NUTS! And I have some right here!" [points to his crotch]

I about DIED laughing...that is the cutest thing EVER! Of course my co-worker just gave them the eye and basically let it be known that she doesn't have time in the mornings to come to such meetings and if it is REALLY important, let her know...but shit, the kid is 5 years old...of COURSE he is going to say nuts! Nuts are a big part of his life and have been since he discovered them when he was 6 months old! Incidentally, they will be a big part of his life for the rest of his life...come on people...get. a. life.

Anyway, then this got me to thinking about a story I heard from my ex. He was called one day, away from work, because his 6 year old son had said the "F" word. So the principal calls my ex and says, "Mr. R. you are going to need to come down to the school, Lil "D" said the "F" word today in class". So of course "C" heads down to the school and sits down with his son and the principal and says, "Ok, son, you know the "F" word is bad, right?

"Yes, Daddy."

"Ok. Do you even know what the "F" word means?"

"Yes."

[leans over and whispers]

"It's when air comes out of your heinie"

At this point "C" excuses his son from the principal's office and then looks up at the principal and asks, "SO, let me get this straight...you FUCKING called me out of the FUCKING office because my son said FART?!?"

The principal was very apologetic...turns out he hadn't actually asked the teacher WHICH "F" word Lil "D" had used, though after that meeting with "C" he was well aware of the difference and as he heard the real "F" word used more times than he heard in Beverly Hills Cop and Pulp Fiction combined.

Oh the joys of children! I am looking forward to it...though it won't be for another decade or so.

Christmas List - The First 5

It is high time I post my Christmas list.

1. Answer Me Jesus



There is nothing more sacrilegious than a pink, 11 inch tall, magic 8 ball in the shape of Jesus. I LOVE IT! My favorite answer is "I died for this?"


2. Absinthe



I wanna see the green fairy tooooo!!! I feel certain that this bottle of Absinthe would correlate fantastically with Answer Me Jesus.

3. Ski Mittens Made For Smokers



Ever been on the ski lift or just skiing your lil heart out down a mountain and thought, "Damn, sure do need a smoke!" Well, ladies and gentlemenses, your answer is here! Talk about habit.

4. USB Pole Dancer



I feel certain my life wouldn't be the same after you get me this gift. I never have enough USB ports for everything I want to plug into my computer, but I will make an exception for this. Why can't I think of things like this and make a few bucks?!?

In lieu of the USB Pole Dancer, I will accept this as well:

USB Humping Dog




5. A Glow In The Dark Kitty



No really, I insist!! I want this in place of the hairless one. This is amazing! How often do you wish your animals would glow?! The answer is: All the Effin Time!!! I don't think I would be able to resist taking my cat to the club...

Sunday Night Bar Adventures

I forgot to tell ya'll that on Sunday I met this homeless guy at the bar I was at. He was obviously intoxicated and obviously homeless, but very friendly. His name was Dave. Dave INSISTED on talking to me and everyone in the surrounding area. Our conversation went something like this:

[Dave walks in with a large pizza from next door and attempts to open it from the wrong end. I turn his pizza box around for him and open it]

Dave: Gee, how intox-imkated do yous haves to be to not be able to open a pizzr bocks? What's your name?

Me: Jessica

Dave: Heeeyyy Jezzeca, I'm Dave.

Me: Hi Dave...good to meet you.

Dave: What are you drinking?

Me: Miller Light...I see you are drinking a pitcher as well.

Dave: Yeah. Heeeyyy, what are youuuu eatzing?

Me: Tater tots and cheese.

Dave: Oh wowww. How much did that coszt you?

Me: I am not sure. I didn't look.

Dave: Oh. That must be nicze to not havez to pay att-en-shun to that kind of thing. I got this whoooollle pizzr for hate dollerrrz. ($8 for those that don't speak drunk)

Me: Wow. That really IS a good deal!

Dave: So, Jennifer (note name change) how'd jew getz here?

Me: I drove.

Dave: No, no. Really, thizis deep. Listen. HowDizShoeGetHere? What pathz inlife did cross to be here noow? You know whhaat Jennifer? Life es about odds. What are the odds that you would be hurs sa-night?

Me: Well, pretty good since I have been coming here on Sundays for a good month now. You know, Sunday night football is really fun to watch AND there is karaoke tonight.

Dave: Well, let me tell you somethins Jennifer. I was ab-ducted, by the alien types, and they shot 250,000 voltz of elec-trimisity in me and I tell you what Jennifer, after that it makes you think differently.

Me: Yeah, Dave, I guess that would.

Dave: You knowhatelse?

Me: [eyebrow raised]

Dave: I am headin to Vegas. Have you ever been to Vegas for Newyearz?

Me: No.

Dave: Well, thatistheplace tobe. I have lot of money and you know I just want to have fun, but the fun is that I know how to beat the syztemz out there. I know how they trick you. It isn't about the money Jennifer, it is about the game and how to get the money. See thatzdeep.

About this time he started pouring beer from his pitcher allllll over the bar, missing his cup completely, and the bar tender comes over and tells him he is going to have to start paying attention...all the while looking at me as if to say, "Miss, let me know if he is bothering you." I give a knowing smile and mouth that he is OK for now. After all, the conversation could get better.

Dave: You know, Imthekindaguy that doesn't give a FUCK. I will cut your liver outcha.

Me: What would you want my liver for? To drink on?

Dave: Jennifer, you are funny. You have pretty eyes. Has anyone told you that?

Me: You are the first one today. Thank you Dave.

Dave: Mannn, if I juzt metchu 30 years ago...wheeewwweeee!

Me: Dave, I wasn't even born 30 years ago.

Dave: Ok then, howzabout 20 years ago.

Me: Dave, I was six.

Dave: Well, how about now??

Me: I find the traveling lifestyle to be a bit trying on me. I like to blow dry my hair and apply make-up in the morning...not to mention shower. Plus I like to eat and sleep indoors and most of all, Dave, I have to show up for work in the morning.

Dave: Yeah, I can't work right now. I am trying to stay low.

Me: Oh, are you on probation?

Dave: No. Some peoples been followin me for a while. I know who they are, but they don't know I know. Seeethatzdeep.

Me: Yes, very deep.

At this point in time Dave misses his cup AGAIN and pours the rest of his pitcher on the bar/floor. The bartender tells him he has to leave now...so they call him a cab and that was the end of it.

You meet the most interesting people in this world.

I hope Dave makes it to Vegas for New Years - or at the very least THINKS he is in Vegas for New Years.

Brush, Brush, Brush, All Day Long, Brush, Brush, Brush, While I Sing This Song

How long have you been brushing your teeth?! My guess (and hope) is for QUITE SOME TIME.

There has never been a moment, in that small fraction of my day that I have in the morning, that I thought, "Damn, this shit is hard! I think I need some help! Am I pressing too hard? Do I switch sides now?"

I am only under the assumption that a massive amount of the population is with me on this.

But then I see this:

The Oral B Triumph™ with SmartGuide™ AKA You Dumb Shit You Just Spent $140.00 on a TOOTHBRUSH When We Sell Them For $1.00 Two Shelves Down

Their slogan is "So You Never Brush Alone". WTF? Were the psychologist of the world reporting a higher than number of depressed people because they had to brush alone?! Don't most people brush alone?

The Smart Guide helps you keep track of the recommended two minutes you should brush. Two minutes. Now, I have a tough time over about, say, 15 minutes, I am pretty much guaranteed to loose track of time then, but how fucking A.D.D. do you have to be that you don't know that it has been about 2 minutes? You need a $140 machine to tell you?!

This toothbrush will also let you know where to resume if you have paused in the middle of brushing. Again, two minutes here people, if you can't keep on track for two minutes of your day, without pausing, you are in for a seriously rough day.

I am just mystified by it all. Of course, that is not to say that if you went out and bought me one for Christmas I wouldn't use it. Shiiiiit. That things has more accessories than my motorcycle! I would be playing with that toothbrush for days...but please don't...I would have to call you a DUMBASS to your sweet lil face and that would break my heart...or make me laugh...one or the other.

Weekend Update!

Had a pretty fun weekend this weekend!

Friday night I went out to Karaoke. God I love me some Karaoke! I sang and danced and sang...and danced. It was great!

Saturday we got up and went down to the beach so Krystal and I could take some pictures of my friend, Christine, and her siblings. This is going to be their Christmas gift to their Mother. Here are a few of shots: (it was quite foggy at the beach Saturday)

Keep in mind they will be on a much larger scale, with much better clarity.

Saturday night we took a little trip out to the next county over for some fun in the woods. Krystal works with the girl that owns the property. Our location was about an hour from Savannah. We get close to our location and we are told to wait on them to come and get us...so we do...and before we know it we are surrounded by a dune buggy, a mule and a four wheeler. Keep in mind we are in the MIDDLE OF BFE...no street signs, no real roads to speak of, just dirt and fields. So they escort us down a "driveway" that takes about 10 minutes to get down, and I get this overwhelming feeling like I am in some bad horror movie...this place was THE place to go if you wanted to get killed via a horrible horror movie killing. We finally make it to this old, old ollllld, farm house, built in approximately year 15 A.D., and start getting our drink on.

After a few shots of Tequila and about 5 beers, we too decide to go out on some adventures on the dune buggy. Ohhhh there is nothing like breathing in dirt and being shot at with Roman Candles while dodging trees and branches and other people on motorized transportation. Did I mention there was drinking AND fireworks? Oh and guns too. AND a bonfire. Really, there is nothing that gets me lovin life than some rednecks and the games they play! LOVE IT!

We both had to work in the morning, so we left about 2:00am and headed back to Savannah.

It was a GREAT weekend. I hate I didn't get any pictures of it...but I did notice some people taking pictures and I asked if there was a MySpace I could find them on...and they have one...now I just have to find them!

Give Give Give

I had a perfect day planned out for myself...I was going to drink alot of coffee (I succeeded in that thanks to Magan who brought me a steaming hot white chocolate mocha this morning, oh how I love her so!) and then I was going to just eat a little something for lunch so that tonight, when I went to the bar for my Pre-Friday celebration, I could drink less/get drunk more.

Well, then the freakin Red Cross calls me today, for the umteenthmillion time this month, and asks if I can please donate today, they are running low for the holidays. Well, fuck me running. Look lady, I have a very important schedule full of very important things that selfishly only include me and you want me to go and save some lives or something?!?

So now I am eating a Subway and laying off the caffeine (as specifically instructed by Ms. Red Cross Lady - how did she know?!)

You may THINK that giving a pint of blood would have really fun effects if you go and drink right afterwards, but it doesn't. I ran that test earlier this year. I am even quite sure I blogged about it.

By the way, I jest about all of this...I really do think it is important to give blood. I am O- so I can give to everyone. This past month my grandfather had open heart surgery and had to receive many units of blood, as he was having a very tough time clotting. When I visited him in the ICU I looked up and saw that he was receiving O-...I couldn't help but think of the person that gave that blood and thank them for helping MY grandfather out.

So give blood, it is important...and you get cookies afterwards!!! YAY!

¿Me pregunto qué porn suena como en español?

Interesting that my day would start off like it did - I woke up this morning with a blog in mind…and as I was leaving the house...oh well, let me start from the beginning...

Dreams have always been an interest of mine…I happen to dream almost every night; it is a rare night that I don't remember dreaming. I have to say my favorite dream times are when you are sick, like last time I was sick with pneumonia, and they give you some kind of cough medicine that has codeine in it…now THOSE are some vivid dreams! Mine are like in Technicolor after taking some of that stuff. It has been a while since I have had some, so I don't really know what that has to do with anything…

So dreams…they are very interesting. I have a reoccurring dream that I am in high school, but I am the age I am now and I have this superior/inferior complex about me because I am watching all these kids and I am sitting in on the classes and all I can keep thinking is, "I already know all this shit! As a matter of fact I already have a college degree, why am I here?" And the answer is always that they found out, all these years later, that I needed a few classes and they gave me my high school diploma on accident. (by the way, I just spelled diploma – deploma, perhaps I SHOULD go back to school) So I am very interested to what that dream might mean. I have looked it up on a few dream sites online, but none really were that great at translating.

Last night I had a dream that I was laying in bed, at a house that I don't recognize, but it is obviously where I lived, at least in my dream. Apparently, my parents are living with me, or I with them, cause my father comes in and wakes me up for work. I wake up and all around me are all these vibrators and dildos and they are allllll buzzing up a storm! I am just waking up so I am a little confused at first as to what is going on and then I am MORTIFIED! I am trying to turn them off, but they won't turn off and I am trying to shove them in drawers and they just isn't enough time to make it not look obvious, because it is so obvious, but Dad didn't say a word, he just acted like nothing was going on.

What does it all mean people?!?

You know how when you dream about someone and you are mad at them in your dream and you wake up mad at them? Yeah, I woke up embarrassed as hell. I am so glad my father lives 2 ½ hours away and I don't have to see him anytime soon. I probably wouldn't be able to look him in the eye.

So we have an upstairs neighbor now. He is about, oh, 8'2", well not so much, but he is freakin tall! His name is Steve. That is pretty much all I can tell you about Steve. OH and he plays his music really, really loud on Saturday at about 8:30AM…and I found out this morning that there is something else he likes to do at 8:30AM.

I was in the bathroom getting my hairs did and I heard this noise, so I stopped the hair dryer and listened…nothing. I started blow drying again, heard the noise again, stopped and listened…nothing…so I just finished up my routine. I got out in the foyer (we live in a renovated house to apartment and it has a front door that everyone comes in and then you can either go to our door downstairs or the upstairs to the upstairs apartment door), so I got out to the foyer and I hear this, "Ohhhh ohhh yesss, yessssssss, miiii pop-eee" I stopped, NOT looking back up at the stairs (I was afraid), cocked my head to one side so that I could make sure that I was hearing what I thought I was hearing…why yes, I was hearing EXACTLY what I thought I was hearing. Spanish porn. At 8:55AM.

STEVEN!!

Good God Man!

Let Little Steve rest!

How can you wake up and thrash one out that early in the morning? It is hard enough just to get the motion of brushing my teeth down…much less all THAT work…again, I am assuming this is, again, something that is beyond my comprehension because I have a Va-Jay Jay. *sigh*

Lots to Post About Today...

I got this in an e-mail from a friend today...and it just reminded me how fucking stupid people can be. Check out this fabulous fake I.D.

No really. Now where did he think he was gonna pass this off? "Oh, this is me and my conjoined twin?"

I just can't quit laughing at this...it makes me wish I was a cop or bouncer cause I would have so many good things to blog about!!!

OH and my Secret Santa gave me this:

Oh yeah! It's a pooping polar bear...aka a Poo-Lar Bear!!

Imaginary People and Yacking

My morning routine consists of me getting to work approximately 5 minutes late, everyday, which is really pretty ridiculous since I only live a few blocks away and it usually takes me less than 4 minutes to get to work...anyway, besides that, I come into work, sit down, check my e-mail for work, my gmail account, get Yahoo IM up and running, get MySpace IM up and running, check out all the new bulletin posts, new pictures, new blogs, go to look at some of my other favorite blogs such as Boobs, Injuries, & Dr. Pepper, The Sneeze and The Daily WTF.

I was reading another one of my favorites, Dooce, and today she spoke of this: (btw, Chuck is her DOG)

"After lifting Leta out of the back seat and handing her her lunch box, I close the door to our car and begin to turn toward the entrance of her school. Out of the corner of my eye I see Chuck hop down into the space behind the front passenger seat to get at the bowl of Cheerios Leta brought with her for the ride, so I turn back to the window of the car, press my index finger menacingly against the glass and start screaming YOU'D BETTER NOT EAT THOSE DAMN CHEERIOS. And when I turn back to grab Leta's hand I notice a man across the street who is trying to open the door of his car but is having trouble because he's just witnessed an unkempt woman wearing pajamas in the middle of a parking lot, yelling at an imaginary person about breakfast cereal."

This reminded me of when it first became popular to have an earpiece in your ear when you were talking on the phone. I remember being at Wal Mart and watching this lady from afar swinging her hands in a very strange fashion and speaking quite vehemently to what seemed to be the air. I probably saw three more of these crazy folks before I realized they were actually on the phone. Of course these days this kind of thing is common place, but anyway, I thought the above blog was hilarious and no doubt going to be me one day!

So speaking of Wal Mart - my car broke down, yet again, this time stranding us in the Wal Mart parking lot.

While waiting for our ride to come and pick us up, we spotted a girl in her 20's or so walking her cart out to her car. She suddenly stopped and sat down on the curb and looked like she was crying.

Of course I just sat there and watched her trying to figure out what was up. I mean, I get a little exasperated when I leave Wal Mart too - I go in to spend $20 and come out with $300 worth of shit that I probably did actually need, but most certainly didn't have the money to buy.

She gets up after a second and I realize she isn't actually crying, so this peaks my interest even more...she walks to her car, which by the way, was the next lane over and the first parking spot...probably 20 paces away...strange.

She gets to her car and opens the door and sits down, leaving her cart beside her car. At this point it is pretty obvious that she isn't feeling well. She then got out of her car and started loading the stuff in the trunk, by this time someone has spotted this gem of a parking spot and is waiting for her to pull out...she gets all her stuff into her trunk and then gets into her car and puts her head on her steering wheel.

I am totally entranced at this point in time...I am waiting to see what kind of violent sickness is going to come over this lady. Am I going to have to resuscitate her? Am I going to have to slap her around violently and yell "Don't go toward the light! Don't go towards the light!!". I had no idea...so of course, I still sit and watch. No one else seems to be watching either. Weird. Just me and my personal entertainment.

THEN the car door swings over and BLEEEEK. Yack yacky yack yack. It was red. My first thought was ohhhhh those damn Razmatinis, they will get you everytime. Yet, I still did not go to this poor girl to see if she was OK...I just had running commentary in my head the whole time.

This then got me to wondering, would YOU help someone that was barfing randomly? I mean, I help my friends and people I know and love...cause I love my friends, throw up and all! This was a random person...

I did, however, let the person that was waiting for the parking spot (who by this point was getting a little irate at the amount of time this transaction was taking) know that she was sick and they probably didn't want to park there anymore anyway.

I hope she felt better. Poor lass.

Courses to Fix (or Improve) Life

The rules are as follows:

Devise a list of 5-10 courses you would take to fix your life. (If only it were that simple!)

It's more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you'd also like to take.

Tag five other people.

1) GET KRYSTAL TO PICK UP HER CLOTHES...OK, OK I THROW MINE ON THE FLOOR TOO.

I still insist that I am the cleanest person I have ever lived with. I hate clutter and I like things to smell really fresh and clean and not like ferret shit or cat shit or any kind of shit for that matter. I also have to say that I follow suit alot...so say that things start going downhill and the clothes start piling up on the floor...well, then my clothes slowly start piling up on the floor too. Actually, I blame the clothes. They are naturally attracted to other clothes, so if the other clothes are on the floor and not in the dresser then that is where they naturally go. Now that I think about it, I bet they all crawl out of my dresser when I am asleep. Ah ha! I all makes so much sense now!

2) HOW TO OVERCOME A BAD CASE OF THE "I DON'T WANNAS"

This has more to do with doing things that other people want to do. Like ride the motorcycle. For some reason this is a big chore for me, though once you get me out and on it you almost can't get me off of it! Krystal just got her new bike, and poor thing, I have only ridden with her maybe three times. I suck. So I am going to work on that! Just not during the winter. After it gets back into the 70's during the day, THEN I will work on this!

3) NOT BE SO FUCKING GRUMPY IN THE MORNING

God I am a bad morning person. I think I will blame it on my Mother. Yeah, I like that. I tend to snap at the ones I love in the morning and it just isn't fair, especially if they just happen to be very (annoyingly) perky in the morning (KRYSTAL)

4) STOP BLAMING OTHER THINGS FOR MY OBVIOUS FAULTS

As seen in the last three items, I mostly blame other people or instances for my obvious problem. So far the count is Krystal - 2 and my Mother - 1. So, lets try this over again...

How about I clean up my clothes as so that when there are clothes on the floor I can be all righteous and stuff and point out that all of my clothes are where they are supposed to be! Oh that sounds like FUN!

Dress up in my leathers and get on that damn bike and go somewhere. It will ALMOST kill me to ride in below 70 degree weather, but I guess I will survive.

My Mother is crazy and that is just how it is going to be for me too. I may as well get used to it. Her blood sears through my veins...I can't get away from the crazy factor. I must embrace it and be one with it.

5) LEARN TO PLAY THE DRUMS

I could add alot under this here #5 - mainly because playing the drums is on my list of things to do in life...along with learning to fly a plane, going bungee jumping (already went sky diving), seeing some of the great wonders of the world, learn to read music, sing in a band, make a million dollars and/or know someone who has made a million dollars, pay my parents back all the money I owe them, become debt free (will be in about three years according to my new financial plan I am on...one year down, three to go), go to New York for Christmas one day, go on a cruise, get more tattoos, get my nose pierced...oh how the list goes on...

But I think I will start with learning how to play drums first...

I will tag later...

It is Friday, right?

DOH! I was tricked into answering the phone! I thought it was someone I knew, but it was actually my BP gas card telling me that I suck and I need to pay them some money. I know I suck, but let me tell you about the past two years of my life: jobless for 4 months, borrowed a bazillion dollars from my parents to keep up with my mortgage payment as well as my other bills, moved to Savannah, paid a mortgage AND rent for almost a year, yes, A YEAR, had to put OVER $5,000.00 into the house because of a retarded home inspector, car broke down – more than once, oh what else…lets see, gosh I think I could go on for a while…and people wonder why I drink so much! Pshhhah!

Oh, speaking of drinking, I woke up this morning to a dum dum da dum dumm in my head and it took me about 30 seconds to realize it actually wasn't my head pounding at all…it was my friendly neighborhood homie wanting me to enjoy his bump in the trunk. Do I love loud things in the morning? Nay. I do not. Do I love loud music, drinking and dancing in the evening? Yay! I do!! So let's review: 8:30AM = BAD, 10:30PM while at the club/bar and not outside my window whilst sleeping = AWESOME! Geez, how many times do I have to go over this! You would think they don't read my blog or something.

Weird.

So I celebrated pre-Friday last night…first stop Carrabbas – my girl Christine was working the bar, so magically two beers showed up in front of me. Let it be known that I did not eat yesterday due to the fact that I had to take an hour earlier in the morning to meet with the air conditioner guy cause our unit in the apartment is leaking EVERYWHERE. So after caffeinated my self half to death yesterday, I wasn't really all the hungry. Coffee is a great meal replacement too! Anywho, then we went to Longhorn to see Leslie and friends…had two beers or so there – Larkin and Paul came to meet us there and then we went to Chili's! Two for one baby!! Two for freakin one!! By the time we got to Chili's it was pretty evident that I needed to eat something, so we got some food and then drank some more. We went out to check the weather and when we got back our table was cleared, though we specifically told our server that we would be right back and she even put up an OCCUPIED/VIP sign so the busboy wouldn't clear it…but apparently reading isn't a requirement for busboys. So, she brought us all another round, which was two more beers a piece. Let's add: 2+2+2+2+2 = 10 beers + empty stomach = (carry the 2, minus 3) DRUNK.

When we finally did get home, our air unit had leaked all over the place…AGAIN. So yeah, not happy. My couch legs are going to be ruined. Oh well, if the couch has to go, I guess we can just sit on the floor. I am sure that is why God made us a bum in the first place. The air dude is supposed to come out again today…we shall see what they find. The carpet guy is going to need to come soon too cause it is starting to get a little musty up in that mofo.

Ok, gonna do something that resembles work now.
Peace suckas! Just kidding, you aren't a sucka. I love you so!

Ramble On My Dear!

I believe I have had too much coffee today! My mind is everywhere!

Being distracted is not my normal forte, but these last few days I have had everything on my mind. Nothing serious (of course) but, well, for instance, I was sitting in the bathroom two days ago and I thought, "Oh I wonder how they make toilet paper" Lo and behold, yesterday on "How It's Made" they showed how they make toilet paper! Oh the excitement! (It is made from our recycled paper…so next time you throw a piece of paper away, it might, just might be taking care of your butt in the future, how sweet.)

Then I was reading Maxim, (which is such a great magazine, by the way) also while on the potty, and they said that the caffeine in about 72 espressos is enough to make your heart explode! Unfortunately, caffeine is a diuretic, so you would pee/poop it out before you could get that much through your system. Pretty much it is impossible to kill yourself by drinking coffee.

Shit, my coffee is cold again. Bleh!

So we have this Secret Santa thing going on at our office. All the secretaries are involved and we have some of the funniest gifts going around at the moment.

My SS gave me some coffee. Hummm, go figure.

Anyway, the first of many hilarious gifts was a pooping reindeer. What is it with me and pooping and peeing?! So juvenile! SO FUNNY!

Here is what the poopy deer looks like – that "shit" is hilarious!



Then there was a poopy penguin! Muhahaha!



Now there are marshmallow burger and fries. Probably the most disgusting of them all. No doubt it tastes like ass…but how funny is THAT!



I still want an Answer Me Jesus.



Let's to go to fun words I have learned in the past few days:

Phenylalanine – found on the side of Magan's (whom I work with) Diet Coke. It is an amino acid and pregnant people shouldn't ingest it.

Defenestrate – throwing someone or something out a window. If I was a movie maker I would HAVE to use this in my movie. "I shall defenestrate you now!"

Do you guys watch Kid Nation? There is a girl on there named Taylor and I want to beat her so bad. Spoiled lil brat. She lives somewhere in Georgia. If I ever see that kid I feel as if I will have no restraint of my foot barging up her ass. I get the same feeling of needing to kill a kid when I watch Nanny 911.

In other news: they came out with a London Ink! What what! Like Miami Ink and L.A. Ink…but London. An hour of British people speaking and doing tattoos! I think I have found heaven my friends! I have been known to actually kiss random people because they have an accent. Purrrrrr!

My pants smell like my cat Boo Boo may have farted on them. Think that means I should stop leaving my "clean" clothes on the floor. There is something about that extra step of putting them into the closet or my armoire. (I had to look that word up in Google; I typed in "French dresser armwa"…it worked! Damn that Google is a smart lil SOB!)

Ok, I am going to do my filing now.
Love ya, mean it!

The 'stach

Often times in my life I have wanted to be a boy. Hang with me...this isn't a story about me wanting to change sex or anything.

For instance...when I was little I was mesmerized by the fact that boys could pee anywhere. Aw, who am I kidding...I am still mesmerized by the fact that boys can pee anywhere.

Side Note: Speaking of peeing anywhere...I have to tell you guys that Krystal had to pee so bad last night she jumped out of the car at a stop light and peed on the sidewalk. I was mortified. And also laughing hysterically and I envisioned us being arrested...me for probably being over the limit, though I wasn't blurry eyed or anything, but that .08 thing just wasn't going to be...and Krystal for peeing in public.

Anyway, back to what I was writing about...boys, peeing and onto facial hair. I have always thought facial hair would be cool to have...if I wasn't a girl of course. I think I would change it often. I like changing the hair on top of my head often, so I can only assume that if I could grow hair on my face, I would change that often as well. My mother and I had a conversation the other day about what a handlebar mustache was.

I said it was this:



She said it was this:



When I search Google...it brings up both. Who knows.

This is bringing me closer to my point. Today, while searching Google for this here handlebar mustache picture, I came across this website.

Oh.my.what.the.fuck.ha.ha.haaaaa!!!

I have decided that this guy is my favorite!



This guy just looks like one of the ZZ Top dudes:



But this guy...this guy is just a ra-tard. A bridge? Who married this guy? Is he married **checking site*** It doesn't say. But I am going to venture by the fact that he has "flare" on his lovely red vest and a sheep in his pocket he is one of two things. Gay or a gay sheep lover.

E-mail's At Work

My e-mail to everyone:

Just giving everyone and update regarding the [case name] settlement. If I have not received your signature pages, I need them as soon as possible.

Thanks!

Signature pages for Settlement, Release and Confidentiality Agreement

[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received


Signature pages for Stipulation of Dismissal

[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received



I get a response back from a legal secretary in Charleston that I am not sure if I have ever spoken to or not...but I am very sure I like now...



Legal Secretary from Afar: I like your style!

Me: The style of the e-mail? If so...I stole the list/pending/received motif from someone...was it you?!

If you are speaking of the clothes I am wearing today...it was two for one at Chili's last night...my vision was still a little on the blurry side this morning! :)

Legal Secretary from Afar: Ha!!! totally like your style! You didn't steal the email motif from me, but I'm "borrowing" it from you. I predict blurry vision for myself beginning at 5:00 p.m.

Me: Awesome! I hope to visit some of my favorite friends tonight too. Sam, (Adams) Bud, (Light) and Amber (bock)
After all...they were so nice to me last night...
Have a good rest of the day!! Only 5 more hours!!!

Legal Secretary from Afar: tell the lads I said hello! I'm going to hang out with Mick (elob) tonight

Mick (elob) MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...that was soooo freakin witty...I love witty people.

Check for Legal Secretary from Afar...I like you!

Nigerian Scammers and Their Dumbassedness

I have a wonderful friend, Trish, whom I love oh so much. We met at a Collective Soul concert when I tried to bow her in the face while taking pictures of my husband and lead singer, Ed. (Ed isn't aware of our arrangement)

Anyway, Trish has been meeting some interesting mens on her internet dating site and on the web in general. The latest one was the most entertaining.

The story:

Name: Daniel
Occupation: Some kind of traveling computer guy or something
Location: at the moment, Nigeria
Family: has a small son that goes with him on his travels.

Trish and Daniel have been talking for about a month and it becomes PAINFULLY obvious by the second time they talk that there is something just not quite right about this.

Trish IM'd me about it and the first thing that popped into my head was Nigerian Scam. I watch WAY too much Chris Hanson.

After we did some research we pretty much confirmed that this was indeed a scammer...so Trish decided to fuck with him. I have some of the IM conversations for your pleasureable reading! The set up for these IM's is that "Daniel" had said he was coming to see Trish...he was flying into Tampa this weekend. Of course at the last minute his son, David, got sick and was in the hospital. At this point is when the scammer asks for some money. $500 was what was asked for from Trish. Trish told him that she had a friend that was a good Christian that would get his church to help out. So she asked for the hospital address, phone number and person of contact at the hospital that his son was staying in. The address came back as a known scamming address. It was linked to an accounting firm, a Nigerian school of some sort...all kinds of crap.

And this is what Trish wrote:

Trish: Daniel, I have really frightening news. You know I told you that I have talked to my friend about you. She went online yesterday to make sure that the hospital you told me about can give David the kind of care he needs. I’m really scared because she found out that the hospital is somehow involved in all that Nigerian scam stuff we talked about before.
Trish: Honey, get David out of there right away and call the American Embassy right away! A friend that is in the security business called me this morning and I asked him what I could do to help you. He has a friend in Interpol that deals with this kind of thing all the time. He called his friend and the Interpol guy said that American citizens that need emergency help in Nigeria can call one of the following numbers to speak to the duty officer at the American Embassy there. They will be able to get David any treatment he needs. The numbers Greg gave me for you to call are 0803-408-6000 or (234) 1-261-0195 or (234) 1-261-1414.Trish Todd (11/1/2007 11:20:47 AM): Please call them, Daniel. I’m so worried about both of you. Please tell me that David is doing better today.
Trish: Please call them, Daniel. I’m so worried about both of you. Please promise that you will call them.

Daniel Tyler: wow
Daniel Tyler: i dont have to do that

Trish: Why not? It is the quickest way to get him the help he needs.

Daniel Tyler: david is under medications
Daniel Tyler: on debt

Trish: But I thought you said yesterday that they wouldn't continue his medications without being paid. Remember, this hospital is linked to those scams.
Trish: The address you gave me is set up to collect funds for several different types of Nigerian scams.

Daniel Tyler: yes was about losing him, i pleaded with them
Daniel Tyler: that i will pay them soon
Daniel Tyler: frst they didnrt accept
Daniel Tyler: they pitied me anyway saw the condition of david
Daniel Tyler: was getting wors
Daniel Tyler: i dont understand why u went to the american embassy

Trish: Well, that is a relief. I was trying to get you help for David.

Daniel Tyler: i never said there wasnt any here

Trish: I know. I just didn't know what else to do.

Daniel Tyler: Honey, that wasnt the kind of help i asked from you

Trish: That's why they are there - to help American citizens.
Trish: You said David was dying. If they can help you, why wouldn't you take him there. Those people that you are dealing with are stealing. You do understand that they are criminals that pray upon innocent people in need, don't you?

Daniel Tyler: You mean the scammers?

Trish: Yes, that is what they are doing with your money.

Daniel Tyler: No one is scamming here

Trish: Go online and look up the billing information that they gave you.
Trish: You will see what they are involved in. My friend does this kind of thing all the time.

Daniel Tyler: Hun idont knowe
Daniel Tyler: if u are not gonna help me with the money just tell me

Trish: I have no reason to mislead you. I told you that I don't have the money but if David's life is in danger, the embassy can help him right now and they have much better medical care. Go to the U.S. State department website.
Trish: It tells all about this kind of thing.

Daniel Tyler: honey you just have to try hard to raise me some cash

Trish: If David's life is in jeopardy, you need to take him now. Not wait until I can find money.

Daniel Tyler: i am looking for money to pay for the bills nd medication

Trish: I thought you said you would get paid next week. You can pay it then.

Daniel Tyler: yes
Daniel Tyler: i kow
Daniel Tyler: know*
Daniel Tyler: got to pay them in edays timer

Trish: Then you can pay them then. It would take me much longer than that to come up with $500.

Daniel Tyler: They are taking care of him now
Daniel Tyler: embassy aren't the help i need right now sweetie
Daniel Tyler: 2days

Trish: Then take him to the embassy. I don't understand why you won't take him there if he is so ill.

Daniel Tyler: Honey, i just dont want to get in touch with the Embassy here
Daniel Tyler: How much do u think you can come up with ????????????????????????????????

Trish: Why not? David is dying!
Trish: Okay
Trish: Here's the deal. I haven't believed a word you have said to me since the second time that we talked. You are a liar and a criminal. You will have to find someone far dumber than I am to prey upon because you are not getting a damned dime from me. In fact I have four IM screens open right now sharing our conversation with friends of mine and we are all amazed at how stupid you are. We have all been laughing at your stupidity for weeks. I suggest you do much more research before contacting anyone else with this bullshit scam because you suck at it. I also suggest that you not contact me again because I DO have a friend in the security business that DOES have a contact in Interpol.
Trish: You are going to have to step up your game a hell of a lot if you want to make a living at stealing from other people. Goodbye.

Daniel Tyler: Happy Hooooowloween!

Trish: You are a fucking idiot.

Daniel Tyler: Happy Halloween! (cackle)
Daniel Tyler: Come Kiss my black ASS
Daniel Tyler: Dumb Blonde Woman

Trish: Your black ass is not worthy of shit.
Trish: You're so stupid that you don't know the difference between a blonde and a brunette you ignorant fucker.

Needless to say, they haven't spoken since.

Ohhh the entertainment we have had though!!

And this is what I have to say about THAT!

This past weekend we celebrated Halloween in downtown Savannah...good times as always.















Krystal and I were Betty and Wilma.

















And then we had the rest of the crew:

Brian (Priest with a woody and a mohawk)
Christine (Dorothy)
Nicole (Hawaiian girl)
Candice (dark angel)

Anyway, good times were had.

When you meet people in life, most are very pleasant, fun and even overly excited to meet you. This happened alot that night actually...drinking + costumes = lots of loud, random stranger encounters.

i.e. : We don't actually know who these people are...but we all took a picture together!

So we happened upon a celebrity on our night out and about. I have met a couple of celebrities...not many, so I will list them:

Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves: dork, asshole, can't dance (we met at a club) but I got his autograph on a bar napkin.

Bob Saget: he was rather drunk when I met him and likes techno and house music (again, at a club). Filthy mouth...not that I don't have one too..but anyway....for the most part was a nice guy.

Ed Roland of Collective Soul: love this man. Favorite band in the world. He is my husband and doesn't know it. SO SO SO NICE!

Kevn Kinney lead singer of Drivin N Cryin: super guy...very nice...love his music, love his attitude!

All the members of Mothers Finest: super people all around! Love them all!

And then this weekend: Miss J. Alexander from America's Next Top Model: RUDE, ARROGANT and generally a HUGE dissapointment as far as personality goes. But really tall.

Here is my thing...you are in Savannah, land of not a whole lot going on - if you were to compare it to somewhere like L.A. When I approached Miss J, by the way, we were in a bar that can hold MAYBE 30 people, and I asked him if we could get a picture, he said, "No, I don't want to start a chain reaction, just get me when I am leaving."

Do you know how many other people wanted a picture with him...two. YES, two. Me (and my friends) and ONE other girl. Chain reaction my ass. Anyway, the first picture my friend, Christine, got cut out.

So I asked if we could take another one with just her...he rolled his eyes and SLOWLY abbliged.

Notice the sheer joy in his face. Seriously...come on.

Note to self: when you are famous, no matter how bad of a time you are having, make sure you put on a good smile for your fans.

It is Friday!!

A day in the life of "Me" can be pretty entertaining at times.

The story goes a lil somethin like this:

I'm poor, as most of us are...after spending a YEAR trying to sell my house up yonder way it FINALLY sold the last week of September. Also in September is my birthday which means renewal of the tags. I have the car and the motorcycle - those together are about $200.00...less than most, but more than I have.

I have spent the last month avoiding allowing cops getting behind me so they can't see my expired tag - usually this entails taking the long way around the block or waiting an excessive amount of time at stop signs **pretending to look for something on the floorboard** to allow them to get in front of me in the motorist line...

Anyway, I didn't make any money on the sale of my home, but I eagerly awaited my escrow check...I called last week as I felt it had been an adequate amount of time to issue such a small, yet helpful, sum of money...and lo and behold the GENIUSES at my ex-mortgage company sent the check to my old address. Yes, the house I just SOLD. Yes, the documents that were sent to them showed my new address, yes, common sense would say, "HEY, she probably doesn't live there anymore cause she just sold her house!" Alas, they sent the check to my old address anyway. SO, I had to wait for my check ANOTHER week while it made the rounds around Middle Georgia's post office and eventually made it to the Southern post office.

In the time I have been in Savannah I have amassed an amazing amount of parking tickets and such. One was actually a parking ticket, two were for being in a sweep zone and the fourth was for not having my tag. (Remember, I was waiting for that check)

The County of Chatham has sent me an array of warnings (at least three and one phone call) stating that they were most certainly going to render my car immobile if I did not pay these tickets. Everyday I woke up expecting to see a beautiful yellow bootie on my front tire, but I think my changing the car from one side of the street to the other had fooled the boot-put-on-people. Or maybe they just hadn't got around to it yet...either one.

I went to the bank today, deposited the check, went to the Courthouse and found out that I only had a dime to pay for the meter. So I put it in. 8 minutes is what a dime affords you in Savannah. I ran into the Courthouse, got my stickers for the car, ran back out...expired meter, but no ticket, thank goodness. So I put my sticker on and went to the parking ticket office. Of course I can't find any FREE parking, so again, I park, run into the parking services, pay $121 worth of parking tickets (they took off the $50 ticket for no updated tag...yay!) and ran back out to my car. 3 minutes MAX. Fucking-A if I didn't get a motherfucking parking ticket! Those meter maid fuckers are BRUTAL! I giggled all the way back to the office.

I am pretty sure I am the only person I know that can actually get a parking ticket while PAYING their parking tickets.

So I am going online NOW to pay this $10 piece of shit and from now on I am going to have a shitload of change in my car...that I will make myself NOT use for cigarettes.

And it's only 2:00!

When Google Images Fail You...

**PLEASE NOTE** - If you are looking for Kate Gosselin's haircut, you are MORE than welcome to read this post, but please read the comments at the bottom and then go to this UPDATED post.

Out of complete desperation for a new fabulous hair-do I was forced to e-mail Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate + 8. No doubt she has LOADS of time on her hands and will get back to me by this evening.

You will re-call my new hair idea in this previous post.

The e-mail said:

Kate,

I like your hair. Strangely, [sarcastic] I can't find a picture of the back of your head on the internet...so when I show up at the hair cutting place and say I want a Jon & Kate + 8 haircut, they give me strange stares. Any chance I could get a picture of the back of your head for the sake of a good haircut? You will get full credit for my fabulous new haircut. I will even post it on my blog, which gets a WHOPPING 11 hits a day. :)

I enjoy the show very much!

Thanks!

__________

What she doesn't know is that 8 of the 11 hits is actually me and the other three are from people trying to buy a Segway, apparently Google is all about linking me to Segways now because of this post.

Blah Blah Blah

Wish I had something really interesting to write about other than the fact that the next door neighbor had their bike stolen off the front porch. Dumbasses locked it up to a wooden post. So you are going to take bike lock made of hardened steel and latch it on up to a flimsy wooden post?!? They are SCAD students for gosh sakes! Well, I guess that could explain alot. Anyway, I could understand if maybe you attach it to the actual RAILING, (you know, the part that goes across the top and is made of thick wood) but the tiny little two inch round pegs that go in between the posts for decoration? I think not. So of course the bike thefters just broke the bottom of the wooden post and slipped the bike lock off of it and rode off on their brand new bike - complete with a locked bike lock attached. They called the police...I hope they get their bike back.

OH I was sick yesterday. Just yesterday. Weird. Usually my sickness hangs on for a bit. I woke up about 3am with this ungodly pain in my chest...like right below my sternum. I was in the middle of dreaming that I got bit by a rattlesnake...strange how your body turns pain into dreams...but anyway, I thought it was a crazy gas attack or something, but after downing 2 bottles of Pepto and four Gas X pills I decided it wasn't actually gas. I couldn't lay on my back or stomach - just my sides - and I was nauseous. AND my skin was uber sensitive to touch and the wind from the air conditioner and fan. OH and I had a fever. At its highest it was 100.8 and lowest 99.8. So I slept as much as I could all day - got out of bed about 1:00pm and made it till Oprah at 4:00 then I went back to sleep.

This morning I was fine as wine. No nausea. No aches. I checked everything from food poisoning to spider bites. I can't pin point a thing. Guess it was just a one day bug...

I do want to give a shout out to NyQuil though...I love that shit!

Baby Jessica (No Not Me)

Me and Deb-a-roony were sitting here chuckling on this lovely Monday morning...it seems that Baby Jessica is in the news again...thankfully she hasn't fallen into any adult sized wells lately, but anyway, she is on the news again...21 years old and has a baby boy of her own now.

I was curious to know what she looked like these days - as the last pictures I remember seeing of her was her all black and blue like she had been stuck in a really small well or something for like 3 days.

So I checked her out...there is something very familiar about this girl...OH! And then it came to me. The hair cut looked oh so familiar from something else I remembered in my childhood. Duck Tails. (Ah woo woo)

There is no denying it. Magica De Spell and Jessica at 21 have the same haircut.

Accessories

I forgot to put that I would most likely be purchasing this (seen in all angles here) to accessorize my new scooter.

Conundrum

Hello you fine folks...I have a conundrum.

The car is going shitty on me.

For about a month now it has randomly cut off when I am coming to a stop. I have a black, 2000 Mazda Protege LX, 120K miles, with a really awesome sound system...not that that has anything to do with the price of tea in China...I just like to throw that out at times.

Anyway, I have had the mass air flow sensor replaced, some carbon build up cleaned out of some place where carbon builds up and all in all about $500 worth of work done on it in the last month. I am out of money.

I took it BACK to the shop this morning (3rd time in about two weeks) and the computer read that there was a misfire. Well NO SHIT! I could have told you that. I was misfiring like a motherfucker on the corner of Skidaway and Montgomery Cross Roads in the middle of rush hour traffic yesterday. A cop had to push me off the road into a parking lot. **uncomfortable**
Anyway, the computer won't tell the folks down at the car fixin place exactly what misfired. So they took my car out today...hooked up to the computer, drove it allllll over town...and OF COURSE it doesn't do it. So now they tell me that they can't figure out what is wrong.

I called the Mazda place...they want $116 just for me to drive into their garage *TYPICAL*.

SO, if you know what the problem might be...holla atcha girl!

In the meantime I am looking into getting a fabulous lil scooter!

I found this one. BAD ASS! Ape hangers and all!

I have always wanted a Vespa, but for as much as they cost I could have another car!

So I am considering just a beat up, shitty, high pitched (nnnnnniiinnininininiininini) one that costs less than $200. Might look something like this though.

Deb suggested I should get a Segway and hope that I have better luck than the President. I could pimp that thing tight though. Mountain Climbing. Get me some bad ass wheel covers. Put some chrome on that shit. Or ride it on my Navy battleship. The options are endless with these things.

I would like to note that I am a very cool biker chick normally. I actually own this beautiful machine here, but it is entirely too bulky and too much of a pain in the ass to be uncovering it everyday just to take it three blocks down the road to work and back. Plus it messes up my hair. Just wanted to make sure my coolness factor was not at risk.

I'm Not Aware of Too Many Things, But I Know What I Know, If You Know What I Mean

Suckage. Now that is a word that hasn't been used to describe me since I was going through my "straight" phase. (which lasted 6 years for all that are interested...ended in a broken engagement actually...ohhhh but that is another story.)

Speaking of straight, that brings me to a funny story...we were all riding in the car the other day...and by we, I mean "the crew" (all from Macon), and we were trying to get somewhere (to a bar, no doubt) so all five of us are screaming out directions and one of us said, "NO NO, go STRAIGHT!" to which our friend Justin replied, in his most serious teacher-like voice (he IS actually a teacher), "The term "straight" offends me; I prefer FORWARD, please." I almost hit a car I was laughing so hard.

He was, of course, kidding. We are the most NON-pc people you will ever meet. I believe it stems from our vast array of people in our group.

We have:

Brian - 6'5", 200+lb teddy bear of a guy. We have been friends since 8th grade. (almost 14 years now) He is gay...but I didn't find out till New Years of 1999/2000. Very caring individual, hilarious, has an infectious laugh and is the most handsome thing EVER. We met because I came up to him in class to tell him I had a crush on him. We have been best buds ever since. He is 27. Votes Republican, though feels a strong pull to alot of what the Democrats have to say. Would probably consider him to be Independent. Christian.

Justin - Met Brian in college in 1999 and they dated for four years. He is a WEALTH of knowledge and we just LOVE having him around. He dates men and women, though, I believe, prefers to be relationship free. Well rounded in all things, music, government, life in general. He is 36 and a Government teacher. VERY Democrat. Agnostic.

Christine - best friend since 9th grade. Has lived on her own since she was 16 years old. Was kicked out of her Father's home for dating a black guy. (OH NO!) Has always dated black men and claims to have pink penis phobia. (HA!) Real life, rough and tumble, don't take no shit from no one kinda girl. I love her! (btw, living in Georgia the interracial couple thing is still a HUGE deal...) Converted Republican -votes Democrat. Liberal Christian. She is 26.

Krystal - my girlfriend. We met two years ago - the sweetest, most wonderfully precious individual you will ever know! She has a heart the size of my ass...I mean Texas. Originally from Massachusetts - found her way down to Savannah to go to SCAD. Graduated earlier this year with a Bachelors in Animation. Yes, my girlfriend will one day be making Shrek the 18th. Doesn't really care about politics. Probably middle of the road in voting. Non-practicing Catholic. She is 22.

So there, you have two lesbians, an asexual/bisexual/trisexual man, a gay man and a girl that only dates black guys. We have NO ROOM for political correctness.

Anyway, back to the black hole - what can I say...I am da shiznit. And Macon sucks donkey balls. Besides there is a beach here. No one can pass up the beach!

Right Back Atcha!

See this is the kind of thing I am talking about.

Mental instability due to menopause and having no teeth.

People, listen to me...she is falling apart. I was willing to look past the fact that she has no teeth, but really, resorting to throwing objects at the back of my head while I diligently WORK? Have we really digressed to the games of 3rd graders.

In short: Yes, we have. And boy are we having fun.

I fully anticipate that by the birth of her grandchild(ren) her bladder will have started falling out. AKA a prolapsed bladder. You can do some reading on that here. As you will notate at the bottom of the reading is specifically says: "Prolapsed bladders are commonly associated with menopause"

It is only a matter of time before she will be throwing her bladder at me too. (which is what I assumed has happened to this guy)

It's War Biznitch!

So, everyone here knows about Office Mate, right?

She has been threatening me with divorce. APPARENTLY she is in loooooovveeee (blah!)(*puke*)(ack!) with ANOTHER "J" named person.

I have to say, the thoughts of her leaving has me wondering where my life will be heading. For instance, she was gone last week...sick apparently (WHATEVER)...and I talked to her chair non-stop. (It never answered back)

Who will I talk to? Who will I make fun of? Who will I educate about life, lesbians and sushi?

Basically she sucks and I hate her now.

I am flipping her off, but she can't see me cause her back is turned. Muhahahahaha!

Just kidding Deb ol' gal, I love ya...in that very "I don't want to have sex with you though" kinda way. A hug will do.

I have decided...

That I want to do my hairs like Kate from Jon and Kate + 8.



You can't see the back of it, but imagine a very tiny bit of a stacking with ALOT of razor. Except I don't know how she gets so much body at her split there...

Whatcha thing bout THAT?!?

Update

I am alive! Whew!

All is well. Anti-climatic if you ask me...but maybe something will happen soon. That doesn't involve me getting beat up or killed or anything.

HEY! But I have a new and improved picture to show ya!

VISUALIZE!

SO

We got home tonight and the crazy back door neighbor (see last blog) had swept up all of the dirt and carried it about 50 yards to our front porch and dumped it all over in front of our door and the stairs.

I called the police. The woman has obviously lost her mind. And we are just two girls living here with no gun...

Anyway, the cop, a big lovely lesbian, came and enjoyed listening to our story...which was rather comical actually...we pretty much laughed through the whole thing...but we did want her to know that this lady was coming into our space here and it wasn't appreciated.

The cop, Ms. Hill, told us we should sweep it up and put it back on the sidewalk. So we did...except we made a really pretty line from our fence post to the street...so as to actually draw the invisible line that seperates the properties via sidewalk. Tomororw morning is going to be hell...the woman will probably try and stab us...I am sure of it.

At least the police will know why.

Also, Officer Hill is coming back by tomorrow to check out what this lady looks like and find out who she is...she seemed pretty amused at the amount of effort it took for this lady to do this...as were we. Except the whole part about her maybe trying to kill us.

OH also in Po-Po news, when Ocifer Hill was driving up there was this REALLY drunk guy getting out of his car...but she didn't actually see him driving, so she couldn't arrest him...BUT when he got out of his car she turned on that really bright spot light thing they have in the front and shone it his way....he was like HEY!!! THAT HURT MY EYES I HOPE YOU KNOW! Yelling at the cop...it was HILARIOUS...she yelled back at him to get his drunk ass inside before she arrested him. He went to his house, but started singing "Land of Cotton" really loudly on the front porch...

This neighborhood is great.

Update in the morning and tomorrow afternoon.

Love you guys!