Put On Your Big Girl/Boy Pants, You Might Get Offended!

I was contemplating all of the weird things that religions have.

Catholics have nuns and priests.

Jews have various sects that dress and do things that I think are pretty strange. I actually had to go and read about the curls on the side of the head thing cause that has got to be the WORST hair style I have ever seen in MY LIFE. Sadly, they feel very strongly towards this, so I guess my urge to run by with a pair of scissors to do a lil snippy-do will have to not be.

The Muslims don’t wear shoes in their place of worship.

The Bahai’i faith has a whole month of fasting, but only when the sun is up. Incidentally, this month of fasting is done in the shortest month of the year.

There are just soooooo many RULES in so many religions and so many different sects between these religions and then even smaller sects in those sects.

My question has always been, WHY. Why do you do these things? Why do you believe this to be true?

Nuns and priests believe in giving their lives and committing it to their religion. I can’t even imagine. It just seems like a pointless existence to me. 

The sect of Jews that wears the curls believe that you can’t cut your hair due to some Biblical teaching from way back that forbids the shaving of the corners of the head. I didn’t even know our heads had corners.

As for the Muslims not wearing shoes in church…well, I never wore my shoes in church, but I always got in trouble for it. Needless to say, upon attending my first (and only) Muslim wedding I was ecstatic to take off my shoes! I did have a hard time finding them after the service though. Apparently, black is a very common shoe color.

This is all to come around and say that we sure do make up a lot of shit for our religious beliefs. I would love to have met the first person that decided all of these things should be this way. 

“Hey, you, grow curls down the side of your head because I read the other day from this ancient text something about not cutting your hair right there. DO IT! NOW! Or behold, ye shall be hell bound!”

I am thinking the no shoes thing was put in place by the first mosque janitor. He was all like, “DAMN these people got some nasty ass shit on their shoes. Fuck this!” Then he snuck in and re-wrote a little of the holy book; after all, this WAS before the time of the Oreck vacuum.

As for nuns and priests…well, you know what they say, “Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers”.

Ok, I am done offending for today.

My Boo Boo

A lovly picture of my baby boy Boo Boo (Christian name: Kaboodle) basking in the sunlight in our living room. Bobby was the photographer on this one

Pictures!

I totally posted too soon yesterday! I got the pictures this morning...SO go and read yesterday's post and THEN come and look at all these pictures!

This is Bobby & Krystal's square. Save the earth was the theme.



This is our friend Chaz's square.



This is our friend Christine's square



Her hands are still tinted blue.



Over 1,000 people come to this event



Krystal and Christine



Nicole (Lil Man Jeremy's Mom) and Krystal



Christine, Krystal and Lil Man Jeremy



Cool Art









Lil Man Jeremy and LJ (Christine's boyfriend)













SCADopoly...funny people those SCAD people



Christine, Me and Krystal



It is really hard not to just lay in the grass in Forsyth Park. It is so beautiful there.



Bobby and Me





Beach Time!!!

Krystal, LJ and Me putting together the new beach wagon



Christine and her nephew, Lil Man Jeremy



Krystal and Me being all pukey



Me and my Frances



Bobby and Frances



Bobby, Frances and Krystal



Andy (Bobby's cousin)



Bobby



The Crew

Weekend Review!

Whew! It was an exciting weekend this weekend! Saturday was the Savannah Arts and Design Sidewalk Arts Festival, which is an amazing sight to behold! Over 700 sidewalk squares filled with some of the most fantastic art you have ever seen! I don't have any of my pictures, so if you wanna go and peep some of the art from this year, you are going to have to go to this lovely lady's photo place.

After a long day of drinking in the beautiful weather, we went to the house and re-filled the beer supply and headed back to beautiful Forysth Park for Movie in The Park. Finding Nemo was the flick for the evening. It was great!

After Finding Nemo we went to eat some Mexican food at our favorite spot, Carlito's.

After Carlito's we went to one of our favorite bars, Venus de Milo.

I had to get to bed at a reasonable hour, so we headed home about 12:00. Before entering our home we are greeted by the lovely sounds of our upstairs neighbors throwing a big ass shindig. I get tired of it about 1:00am and call the cops. In the past we have yelled up to them on their balcony to STFU, we have knocked on the door, we have rang the doorbell. We have done everything we can do and they usually ignore us or make fun of us (whiney voice: Please shut the music off...wwaaahhh). So I have just resorted to calling the po-po. I have the non-emergency number on my speed dial.

This is my thing. I spend a FORTUNE to live downtown, but we figured we live far enough from downtown that we shouldn't have to deal with college kids. However, we are. I don't pay to live in a dorm room. I never even wanted to live in a dorm room for this exact reason. When I want to sleep, I want to sleep.

Now, I know that we are the party types, but let it be known that when we throw a party, we start at 5:00pm and by the time we are good and drunk it is only a respectable 5-10 people that know not to scream to the top of their lungs or talk like we across the street from each other. And we have only had three partys. Not one every. fucking. weekend.

SO, the cops come, it gets very nice and quiet, and then the punks from upstairs, ALL FOUR OF THEM, storm down the backstairs to our back porch and ask to speak to me. I am in my PJ's having my night-night beer, slightly intoxicated. This is not a good time to get feisty with Jessica.

THEM: "Excuse me. Did you call the cops on us AGAIN?"

ME: "Um, no, not me, must have been the people across the street. They do have KIDS you know."

THEM: "Well, can you please talk to us first before you call the cops?"

ME: "I do have a question for you...did you put all those cigarette butts, trash and a full bottle of beer tipped over in our mailbox?"

THEM: "Yeah, but you did it to us first"

ME: "Hoooooooold up there little man. First of all, the inhabitants of this house are all almost 30 years old* do you HONESTLY think we have time to gather up cigarette butts and trash and put it in your mailbox?!? AND on top of that, you are coming down here yelling at me for not TALKING to you first before the cops are called, but your reaction for having trash in your mailbox is to put it in OURS cause you thought we did it, INSTEAD of talking to us about it?!"

THEM: "Oh, well sorry about that."

ME: "Yeah, and next time, don't waste a good beer like that! SHAMEFUL!"

Sorry indeed. I have been informed by our landlord that they are not being given the option to re-new. I haven't seen any moving trucks though...soooooo I am not sure when this is going down. They better be moving and somehow snuck their way back into the lease.

So, after I almost had to kick a skinny 20 year old upstairs neighbor's ass, I went to sleep to prepare for my day at the beach!

OHHH our FIRST BEACH DAY. I was soooooooo beautiful! AND! AND! AND! WAIT FOR IT!! WAIT FOOOOORR IT!!

I got my BEACH WAGON!!!

Look how BEAUTIFUL she is!

Holds 2 coolers, a trillion beach chairs, book bags, totes, beach balls, beach tent...you name it, we had it stacked and ready to go! I have waited two beach seasons for her and she is finally here.

Two more things to go:

A First-UP 10' x 10' Gazebo made by North Pole (very important all the preceding criteria be met...including who it is made by)

and some kind of heavy duty (hehe, I said duty) radio, preferably with an iPod adaptor hooker-upper-ma-bob

*by 30 I mean I am two years away from it and Bobby will be 31 in November. And Krystal doesn't count. She is only 24.

OK, FINE.

Even though my own brother didn't tell me that he went to prom this past week, there is nothing the Facebook can hide. I totally went to his girlfriend's fiance's Facebook page and jacked these photos.

I SUPPOSE they are pretty cute. Her name is still Jessica and they are still teenagers and I still see the Coast Guard in Jacob's near future.

I am working on finishing my coffee so I can head down the SCAD Sidewalk Art's Festival.

Bobby and Krystal have a square. Krystal is Alumni so she gets to still participate. My friend Christine is a current student and she too is participating. It is absolutely amazing what people can draw with chalk on sidewalks! Works of art!

Friday! Holla!

I didn't have much to post about today, but I did want to tell you some more about the people I work with.

Magan is a hookercheese. She is just awesome like that.

So, we are all some pretty awesome animal lovers around here and Magan was sending us pictures of her Mexican dog, Bobo.

You cannot tell me those didn't make you laugh!

So I get these in my e-mail and then the next e-mail that follows has the subject line: "This is so adorable!"

I open it and the file name is 1234.jpg - which I didn't notice.

SO, I open it and it is fucking Britney Spears' vagina picture - you know, the one from when she was getting out of the car with no underwear? Yeah, big, loud and proud all up in my eyeball was B Spears' vajayjay.

I laughed so hard tears came to my eyes. The new office mate was a bit mortified I believe.

P.S. This is not the first time she has gotten me with that picture. She is very good about waiting a couple months to let me forget...damn gutterslut.

Why Our Work Manual Is Funny

I am not sure if you guys have noticed, but I work for the most awesome law firm in the world. Not only are they all professional drinkers, we throw the BEST parties ever. They also let me order my kegs in the name of the firm so I do not get charged the $100 deposit. The liquor store I get my kegs from might also, maybe might possibly, be a client of ours as well.

So we have had some changes in the firm recently, and one of the NEW people is considered an office manager of sorts. Today we were e-mailed an employee manual, which she has decided to implement. It is HILARIOUS. I typed this manual up about six months ago thinking that it was just one of those things that they should have around in case someone steps out of bounds. Around here, the bounds goes very far, so I never saw this thing being implemented. And just so you know, it still won't be.

Here are some of the more hilarious points of the manual:

10. Smoking. The law firm buildings are non-smoking buildings. Smoking is allowed in the back parking lot between the carriage house and main building. No smoking is allowed at or near entrance/exit doors to the firm buildings.

This is funny because they bought us smokers a table and two chairs that are located AT THE FRONT OF THE BUILDING, NEAR THE ENTRANCE and were specifically asked (by the NEW office manager) that we smoke there.

16. Equal Employment Opportunity Policy. It is the policy of [firm] to recruit, employ, train, promote, and make all employment related decisions without regard to race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, handicap, marital status, or status as a disabled veteran or veteran of the Vietnam era.

In accordance with this long standing policy, we do not tolerate any harassment or intimidation of an individual because of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, handicap, marital status, or status as a veteran. Violation of this policy will subject an employee to discipline up to and including discharge.

Any harassment, intimidation or other violation of this policy should be brought to the immediate attention of the senior partner of the Firm.

Considering my boss is Iranian and I am gay and the TOP senior partner of the firm is a retired three start general I am thinking this particular section is a major DER. High five for mentioning it though.

It is Firm policy that all employees are responsible for assuring that the workplace is free from sexual harassment. Because of the Firm’s strong disapproval of offensive or inappropriate sexual behavior at work, all employees must avoid any action or conduct which could be viewed as sexual harassment, including:

(1) unwelcome sexual advances;

(2) requests for sexual favors;

(3) other verbal or physical conduct of a sexually harassing nature.

I sure am glad that we put unwelcome sexual advances because I cannot even count the amount of times I have grabbed Larkin's boob or butt. And Magan's. And I cannot even count how many time I have been requested for sexual favors. Like EVERY. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE! All welcome, of course.

Verbal or physical conduct of sexually harassing nature. LMAO! HAHAHA. OH. MY. SIDE. HURTS. I work with the biggest crew of gutter whores you have ever seen. I consider it part of my job to be physically inappropriate.

When my boss tells me I am his bitch, I know what the fuck he means. Hells to the yeah I am his bitch and guess the fuck what bitches?!? I LOVE IT! I love knowing that if he needs a flight at this time, with Delta, with an aisle seat, with a Camry as a rental car and needs to be back in time to see his kids play soccer AND get his air miles, that I can do it! That would indeed make me his bitch. And this bitch just got a $50.00 gift card to Ruth Chris Steakhouse today. Why? No reason. Other than being the best bitch EVA!

Employees are prohibited from using drugs, or taking prescription medication without a prescription, on or off the employer’s premises. Employees are prohibited from drinking alcohol on the employer’s premises except at an employer approved function. Employees are also prohibited from possessing or transporting illegal drugs on the premises. Possession of paraphernalia used in connection with the use of any drug is evidence of violation of this rule.

Drugs means alcohol, including distilled spirits, wine, malt beverages and intoxicating liquors, amphetamines, cannabinoids, cocaine, phencyclidine (PCP), hallucinogens, methaqualone, opiates, barbiturates, benzodiazepines, synthetic narcotics, designer drugs or a metabolite of any of these substances. Non-prescribed use of prescription medication is also prohibited.

Well, humm, strange you mention that cause we have alcohol, distilled spirits, wine, malt beverages and intoxicating liquors in the firm refrigerator RIGHT NOW. Actually, in three! As for the rest, well, what you do, is what you do I say. Make it to work, work well, go home. Good enough for me.

At the end of the manual there is a form to sign consenting to a "urine, blood or breath sample". There was no mention in the e-mail that we sign these documents and I do not plan to. Ridiculous. First of all, I have a hard time peeing in front of people. Secondly. lunch beer:30 is very common around here.

I can only assume this manual was for show and that our new office manager will get a lovely pat on the back for "implementing" it.

I have had my good giggle for the day. Now excuse me, I need to go do a line off the back of the toilet.

Treasure Hunt!

I have a story of TREASURE! ARRRRAHH!

So last weekend, Krystal and I were getting a little intoxicated talking to Justin, who lives about an hour away in Statesboro, and while taking part in gigantic $2.00 beers at his local Mexican restaurant, we started talking about some pretty interesting stuff and somehow got into a story that Justin's father had recently told him.

Justin's father was a "victim" of the Holocaust. I say "victim" because he WAS able to escape, however much of his family died and they lost much of what they had. Interestingly, I would not know Justin if his father's family had not decided on the proper train. There were two trains leaving, part of his family went on one train, the other part went on the other. Only one train actually made it to freedom.

SO, we got to talking about where his father is from and it turns out he is from a part of Germany that is actually NOT a part of Germany anymore, Slovenia maybe? Justin?

As it turns out that Justin is part of this “tribe” of people, German Swamp folks of some sort, who even have their own crest. They had to leave their homeland due to some guy...what was his name? Ah, yes, Hitler. So while this Hitler character was trying to go all Stewie on the world, Justin’s people had to leave their homes behind. The interesting part is that they believed they would be back, so it was common place that they take the belongings they couldn’t bring with them and bury them in the backyard.

Justin’s family apparently, in true Justin family tradition, went a different route. They decided to bury their things under the house via the bathroom floor. Justin’s father and his aunt remember that they completely tore apart the bathroom; dug a gigantic hole, a hole big enough to put a bathtub in, gathered their belongings and put them all in the tub. The tub was then topped with 2x4 pieces of wood and covered over. They completely re-did the bathroom, laid new floor and such, before they left. Unfortunately, because of how things played out in the war, they were never able to make it back to their homes.

NOW, because we live in an awesome world with magical things like Google Earth, Justin’s father was able to locate the house and confirmed that it is still standing.

I am totally ready to get some Discovery Channel Treasure Hunters over to the used to be German swamp lands and dig under these people’s house! Whatever country it is now, I figure they aren’t exactly a rich country, so I figure if we take Ty Pennington over there (bull horn and all) and about $5,000.00 and we totally convince these people that we need to demolish their bathroom.

I say that all photographs and personal property go to Justin and his family and anything worth anything should be donated to the Smithsonian!

So who is WITH ME?!?

Mundane Monday

I soooo had something to blog about from this weekend, but now I have forgotten.

In the work world some changes have occured. Larkin has now been moved out of my office (sad) and is now working across the parking lot in what we have come to know as "The Princess Suite". There is nothing but women over there. So, now Larkin works for Bev and Angela (two stellar drinkers AND excellent attorneys).

I now have a new person in my office. Her name is Martha. She is on probation with me; I haven't quite figured her out. I think as long as she allows me to keep the lights off (we have three large windows and florescent office lighting is evil and of the devil) and doesn't play country music on her radio, we will probably get along just fine.

I miss my Larkin.

Everybody Does It!

We are going to talk about poop, because frankly, we just don’t talk enough about it here.

I have at least two poops a year that are noteworthy. Yesterday was one of them. I had such a monumental poop that I actually FELT my body cavity shrink.

I am a once a day pooper, if I am lucky, twice.

In my discussions with friends I have found that the pooping range is anywhere from once a day to a horrifying once every three days!

I also have a friend that has pooping issues when on vacation and once held it for FIVE DAYS. Not only would I be in pain, my bitch level would go off the charts. Having a good poop actually alters my mood. And makes my back feel better.

So considering I poop at least once a day, I am not sure when yesterday’s poop had time to percolate. Since it is only kosher to send pictures of your poop to your very best of friends (or friends that are unsuspecting) I will demonstrate with this photo:

Our large intestine is like 4 feet long and from what I witnessed, this bad boy occupied 1/4th that space.

Sticking with tradition, after a few brews of various sorts, we inevitably revert back to talking about poop. At our next meeting I am going to ask “Who wipes sitting down and who wipes standing up?” I will be sure to inform you of the results.

Lastly, and mostly because this post contained the word (or a variation thereof) no less than 11 times: “Where did the word “poop” originate?” Well, I must, of course, refer to my most trusted pooping source, Smelly Poop.com from which we get this answer:

According to Eric Partridge in his excellent book of word origins (Origins: A Short Etymological Dictionary of Modern English), "poop" comes from the Middle English word poupen or popen, and it originally meant "fart." The word was based on the sound of a fart. According to Robert Chapman, author of American Slang, "poop" came into use with its current meaning around 1900.

So next time you are making bum brownies in the toilet, you will have that lil tid bit to mull over in your cranium.

Diabolical Plan: Mother/Daughter Team

I recently discovered that I do have some sort of muscle structure in my abdominal area. I was given the grand opportunity to try/ride a zip line on Wednesday. Turns out that requires more muscle strength than previously thought. I did not feel a THING on Thursday, but THIS morning sneezing, coughing and breathing seems to be a bit more difficult than normal.

I have a bit of a family story to share:

I wrote a couple of months ago about my youngest brother, Jacob aka Jake deciding that he had filled his head with enough education and decided to drop out of high school. He was quickly put back in place by my Father and Mother who explained to him that they would be HAPPY to pack his things in a brand new, never before used, trash bag and he could start his riveting journey through life by walking to a friend's house because he certainly was NOT staying at their house anymore.

Jake, wisely, decided to go back to school. He is set to graduate next month. On his Senior page in the year book, Mom, being...well, MOM, put:

"JACOB, YOU BETTER GRADUATE! WE JUST PAID $100 FOR THIS PAGE!"

Cracked. Me. UP!

So in the latest in the world of Jacob...being that he is 19 and has absolutely everything figured out, he has decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him. They have been together throughout high school. I have met this girl twice. And by the way, her name is Jessica. Yes, I am THRILLED about that.

First of all, any girl that decides to be with my brothers already has it stacked against them. I am the ONLY girl and I am also significantly older than both of my brothers. I do not tolerate additional women coming into my family very well, ESPECIALLY ones that share my name!

OK, so anyway, I call Mom up and am like, "Mom, I was on Facebook and Jacob's girlfriend friended me and I noticed on her page she says "Engaged to the love of my life, Jacob", what do you know and think about this?"

Mom: "I think it is funny!"

Me: "Well, did you know about it?"

Mom: "No, I didn't...(still giggling, might I add)...call your brother and find out what is going on."

Me: "Ok, call you in a few days when I know something."

So I don't get around to calling him, but in the meantime I called Mom about something else and Jacob saw from the caller ID that I rang the house and called me back.

Jacob: "You rang?"

Me: "Yeah, but I was calling Mom...HEY, Jake, tell me about this engagement I saw on Facebook..."

Jacob: "Oh, you mean the engagement we are trying to keep from Mom and Dad?"

Me: "Yes, that is the one I am referring to...unless of course there are more."

Jacob: "Yeah, we are engaged."

Me: "With WHAT? You don't even have a car! Where are you going to live? In our parent's basement?"

Jacob: (in his most manly, I have it all figured out machismo voice) "Well, I figured it this way sis, I am going to save my money for two years and then I will have enough to get my own place and my car will be fixed."

Me: "And I am assuming you do not get health insurance at your part time job at the mechanic shop you work at, correct?

Jacob: "Well, they have workers compensation."

Me: "Yeah, that is in place in case a car FALLS on you, not if you get pneumonia. ::heavy sigh from me:: SO, what kind of ring did you get her?"

Jacob: (goes on and on about white gold, yellow gold and getting it fitted properly blah blah)

Me: "So how many karats is it?"

Jacob: "How many what?"

Me: "Karats...the unit of measurement to weigh a diamond, i.e. how big is the thing?"

Jacob: "Uhhh, 10 karats...?"

Me: "Uh, yeah, no Jacob, that is like a $30,000.00 ring...how much did you pay for it?"

Jacob: "$400.00"

Me: "Yeah, that is more like 1/4 of a karat...humm, OK, well I gotta run, but you guys make sure you wait a REALLY long time and actually, I think you would do fantastic in the Coast Guard like your brother, so why don't you go ahead and sign up for that...Love ya bro, talk to you later..."

So then I hang up and immediately text our Mother that I have the 411. Keep in mind they are at opposite ends of the house. Mom calls me.

Mom: "Soooooo, what color are the dresses?!?"

I seriously almost die laughing. So fucking funny!

I let Mom know that he did indeed buy her a ring, she told me to e-mail him and tell him to send it back. I reminded her that we all have to make our own mistakes and chances are he is out of a shitty $400.00 engagement ring. I told her that it probably took him 6 months to save up $400.00 and that if he is that determined, let him do it and then when we trick him he goes into the Coast Guard he will be introduced to a whole new world and will forget about Jessica #2.

That is our diabolical plan. I think we got this on lock down. For now I am torturing his girlfriend on Facebook. She is unaware that I am actually teasing her. Make me laugh a very evil laugh.

Here is the newly engaged, soon to be not, couple:

Well Look What We Have Here!

LOOKY LOOKY!! NEW BLOG ALERT! NEW BLOG ALERT!

This is another GS (gutterslut) I hang out with: Michelle

Go check her out and send her some mad blog love! I find her to be pretty awesome.

As a matter of fact, here is myself (left), Larkin (back) and Michelle (right) in all of our whoremonger glory!



I choose to do the rest of today’s blogging in short sentences and small, camera phone photos.

Who’s hungover today??



ME!!!

What do you look like at work when you are hungover?



Walk quietly and speak softly…



YA HEARD?

(also, remind me to wear sunblock. I am apprently sunburned from riding topless in the Jeep. And by topless, I mean the Jeep.)

Here I Go, Here I Go, Heeeerrreee I Go Again...

First of all, I gotta send some mad love to Bella who gave me this awesome opossum award:

The rules to follow are:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

As you can see from the rules above, I have to list 15 blogs! FIFTEEN!!!! Who made up this award? Someone needs to slap them in the throat.

FINE. I am going to do it, but I totally understand if you decide to just accept and not follow the rules. What do we say here at J e double s blogland? That’s right! RULES ARE FOR FOOLS!

::HIGHFIVE::

1. Tina
2. Dawg
3. Pamela
4. Pseudonymous High School Teacher
5. LilliGirl
6. Tattooed Mini Van Mom
7. Kat
8. Mama Dawg
9. Butch Boo
10. Squirty
11. AW FUCK IT. I am totally out of people.
12. Everyone else I think I have already awarded a few times.
13. Others I just don’t think this award would look good with your page layout.
14. However, I do want to point out that my gay reader/readee numbers have really taken off.
15. I look forward to the gays running the world one day. We are pretty sneaky though. We start off in inconspicuous blog-land…

SOOOOOOOO, I FINALLY started my very own Twitter. As I told Mama Dawg, I was forced to by Ellen. I was watching her show and she was talking about Twitter and how she twitted that there were free show tickets at a bus stop and they set up cameras and well, it was just hilarious watching these people. PLUS, Collective Soul Twitters.

So I am following Demi Moore and she twitted about this video which is BEYOND hilarious!

Lastly, we were informed last night that our upstairs, drum playing, electric guitar wailing, techno at 3:00 in the morning neighbors are not going to be allowed to renew their lease. OH GLORIOUS DAY! I am keeping my fingers crossed for a married couple, in their mid to late 20’s/ early 30’s with a normal job that requires them to be asleep during the hours of 11:00pm-8:00am and enjoys the occasional cookout/kegger. Here is to hoping!

A Moment of Cuteness:

I know it is kinda dark. Stupid cell phone cameras. But that is Syber Kitty. He is our youngest kitten (belongs to Bobby) and he discovered the dryer last night. SO CUTE!