I am not sure if you guys have noticed, but I work for the most awesome law firm in the world. Not only are they all professional drinkers, we throw the BEST parties ever. They also let me order my kegs in the name of the firm so I do not get charged the $100 deposit. The liquor store I get my kegs from might also, maybe might possibly, be a client of ours as well.
So we have had some changes in the firm recently, and one of the NEW people is considered an office manager of sorts. Today we were e-mailed an employee manual, which she has decided to implement. It is HILARIOUS. I typed this manual up about six months ago thinking that it was just one of those things that they should have around in case someone steps out of bounds. Around here, the bounds goes very far, so I never saw this thing being implemented. And just so you know, it still won't be.
Here are some of the more hilarious points of the manual:
10. Smoking. The law firm buildings are non-smoking buildings. Smoking is allowed in the back parking lot between the carriage house and main building. No smoking is allowed at or near entrance/exit doors to the firm buildings.
This is funny because they bought us smokers a table and two chairs that are located AT THE FRONT OF THE BUILDING, NEAR THE ENTRANCE and were specifically asked (by the NEW office manager) that we smoke there.
16. Equal Employment Opportunity Policy. It is the policy of [firm] to recruit, employ, train, promote, and make all employment related decisions without regard to race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, handicap, marital status, or status as a disabled veteran or veteran of the Vietnam era.
In accordance with this long standing policy, we do not tolerate any harassment or intimidation of an individual because of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, handicap, marital status, or status as a veteran. Violation of this policy will subject an employee to discipline up to and including discharge.
Any harassment, intimidation or other violation of this policy should be brought to the immediate attention of the senior partner of the Firm.
Considering my boss is Iranian and I am gay and the TOP senior partner of the firm is a retired three start general I am thinking this particular section is a major DER. High five for mentioning it though.
It is Firm policy that all employees are responsible for assuring that the workplace is free from sexual harassment. Because of the Firm’s strong disapproval of offensive or inappropriate sexual behavior at work, all employees must avoid any action or conduct which could be viewed as sexual harassment, including:
(1) unwelcome sexual advances;
(2) requests for sexual favors;
(3) other verbal or physical conduct of a sexually harassing nature.
I sure am glad that we put unwelcome sexual advances because I cannot even count the amount of times I have grabbed Larkin's boob or butt. And Magan's. And I cannot even count how many time I have been requested for sexual favors. Like EVERY. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE! All welcome, of course.
Verbal or physical conduct of sexually harassing nature. LMAO! HAHAHA. OH. MY. SIDE. HURTS. I work with the biggest crew of gutter whores you have ever seen. I consider it part of my job to be physically inappropriate.
When my boss tells me I am his bitch, I know what the fuck he means. Hells to the yeah I am his bitch and guess the fuck what bitches?!? I LOVE IT! I love knowing that if he needs a flight at this time, with Delta, with an aisle seat, with a Camry as a rental car and needs to be back in time to see his kids play soccer AND get his air miles, that I can do it! That would indeed make me his bitch. And this bitch just got a $50.00 gift card to Ruth Chris Steakhouse today. Why? No reason. Other than being the best bitch EVA!
Employees are prohibited from using drugs, or taking prescription medication without a prescription, on or off the employer’s premises. Employees are prohibited from drinking alcohol on the employer’s premises except at an employer approved function. Employees are also prohibited from possessing or transporting illegal drugs on the premises. Possession of paraphernalia used in connection with the use of any drug is evidence of violation of this rule.
Drugs means alcohol, including distilled spirits, wine, malt beverages and intoxicating liquors, amphetamines, cannabinoids, cocaine, phencyclidine (PCP), hallucinogens, methaqualone, opiates, barbiturates, benzodiazepines, synthetic narcotics, designer drugs or a metabolite of any of these substances. Non-prescribed use of prescription medication is also prohibited.
Well, humm, strange you mention that cause we have alcohol, distilled spirits, wine, malt beverages and intoxicating liquors in the firm refrigerator RIGHT NOW. Actually, in three! As for the rest, well, what you do, is what you do I say. Make it to work, work well, go home. Good enough for me.
At the end of the manual there is a form to sign consenting to a "urine, blood or breath sample". There was no mention in the e-mail that we sign these documents and I do not plan to. Ridiculous. First of all, I have a hard time peeing in front of people. Secondly. lunch beer:30 is very common around here.
I can only assume this manual was for show and that our new office manager will get a lovely pat on the back for "implementing" it.
I have had my good giggle for the day. Now excuse me, I need to go do a line off the back of the toilet.
So we have had some changes in the firm recently, and one of the NEW people is considered an office manager of sorts. Today we were e-mailed an employee manual, which she has decided to implement. It is HILARIOUS. I typed this manual up about six months ago thinking that it was just one of those things that they should have around in case someone steps out of bounds. Around here, the bounds goes very far, so I never saw this thing being implemented. And just so you know, it still won't be.
Here are some of the more hilarious points of the manual:
10. Smoking. The law firm buildings are non-smoking buildings. Smoking is allowed in the back parking lot between the carriage house and main building. No smoking is allowed at or near entrance/exit doors to the firm buildings.
This is funny because they bought us smokers a table and two chairs that are located AT THE FRONT OF THE BUILDING, NEAR THE ENTRANCE and were specifically asked (by the NEW office manager) that we smoke there.
16. Equal Employment Opportunity Policy. It is the policy of [firm] to recruit, employ, train, promote, and make all employment related decisions without regard to race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, handicap, marital status, or status as a disabled veteran or veteran of the Vietnam era.
In accordance with this long standing policy, we do not tolerate any harassment or intimidation of an individual because of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, handicap, marital status, or status as a veteran. Violation of this policy will subject an employee to discipline up to and including discharge.
Any harassment, intimidation or other violation of this policy should be brought to the immediate attention of the senior partner of the Firm.
Considering my boss is Iranian and I am gay and the TOP senior partner of the firm is a retired three start general I am thinking this particular section is a major DER. High five for mentioning it though.
It is Firm policy that all employees are responsible for assuring that the workplace is free from sexual harassment. Because of the Firm’s strong disapproval of offensive or inappropriate sexual behavior at work, all employees must avoid any action or conduct which could be viewed as sexual harassment, including:
(1) unwelcome sexual advances;
(2) requests for sexual favors;
(3) other verbal or physical conduct of a sexually harassing nature.
I sure am glad that we put unwelcome sexual advances because I cannot even count the amount of times I have grabbed Larkin's boob or butt. And Magan's. And I cannot even count how many time I have been requested for sexual favors. Like EVERY. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE! All welcome, of course.
Verbal or physical conduct of sexually harassing nature. LMAO! HAHAHA. OH. MY. SIDE. HURTS. I work with the biggest crew of gutter whores you have ever seen. I consider it part of my job to be physically inappropriate.
When my boss tells me I am his bitch, I know what the fuck he means. Hells to the yeah I am his bitch and guess the fuck what bitches?!? I LOVE IT! I love knowing that if he needs a flight at this time, with Delta, with an aisle seat, with a Camry as a rental car and needs to be back in time to see his kids play soccer AND get his air miles, that I can do it! That would indeed make me his bitch. And this bitch just got a $50.00 gift card to Ruth Chris Steakhouse today. Why? No reason. Other than being the best bitch EVA!
Employees are prohibited from using drugs, or taking prescription medication without a prescription, on or off the employer’s premises. Employees are prohibited from drinking alcohol on the employer’s premises except at an employer approved function. Employees are also prohibited from possessing or transporting illegal drugs on the premises. Possession of paraphernalia used in connection with the use of any drug is evidence of violation of this rule.
Drugs means alcohol, including distilled spirits, wine, malt beverages and intoxicating liquors, amphetamines, cannabinoids, cocaine, phencyclidine (PCP), hallucinogens, methaqualone, opiates, barbiturates, benzodiazepines, synthetic narcotics, designer drugs or a metabolite of any of these substances. Non-prescribed use of prescription medication is also prohibited.
Well, humm, strange you mention that cause we have alcohol, distilled spirits, wine, malt beverages and intoxicating liquors in the firm refrigerator RIGHT NOW. Actually, in three! As for the rest, well, what you do, is what you do I say. Make it to work, work well, go home. Good enough for me.
At the end of the manual there is a form to sign consenting to a "urine, blood or breath sample". There was no mention in the e-mail that we sign these documents and I do not plan to. Ridiculous. First of all, I have a hard time peeing in front of people. Secondly. lunch beer:30 is very common around here.
I can only assume this manual was for show and that our new office manager will get a lovely pat on the back for "implementing" it.
I have had my good giggle for the day. Now excuse me, I need to go do a line off the back of the toilet.
