I am going to take a moment to talk about something that you may or may not "get" or understand in the way I mean for it to be taken. So, let me preface this by saying - just giggle. It is funny, dammit.
Race. Gotta talk about it! Krystal, my beautifully lovely fiancé, who doesn't read this blog, so I get no extra points for that, grew up in the north. She moved around alot, but mostly New Hampshire and Massachusetts. Racial stuff is different up there.
And again, this is MY blog, so I can talk about this shit. There will be no more apologizing or trying to pad your sensitivities past this point. OK?!? OK.
The way people feel about race is no mystery to most. In the West it is the Mexican population, in the South it is the black population, incidentally where Krystal was from it was the Asian population.
So Krystal moves down South and starts up her fairly long career in waiting tables, namely at Carrabba's. (YUM!)
There are stereotypes in the serving world. This is also no mystery. It isn't to say that ALL teenagers are messy, rude and tip horribly. It isn't to say that ALL old people are needy, overly demanding and STILL leave 3% tips like they did in 1950. And it most CERTAINLY isn't to say that black people don't tip...but being we have such a LARGE demographic of the black population here, when you are a server, it feels that way. I know black servers that will back me up on this. Not to mention, I have witnessed this numerous of times. Numerous. of. times.
Krystal didn't understand the racial tension in the South...that was, of course, until she had her first dozen tables that insisted on another server because they "didn't want no white bitch to serve them". It happens more than you think. Or until she was shorted, MORE THAN ONCE, on the tip. Just in case you are unaware, MOST servers do not make an hourly wage, tips are it. So when you get a 10 top table sitting in your section for four hours, ordering $15 meals per person, plus drinks and running your server ragged, a $5 tip is unacceptable. The going rate these days, assuming the service is acceptable, is 20%, or in Jessica math, $2.00 for every $10.00 spent.
Damn it...I got off topic. Race...I am talking about race. So it isn't uncommon for anyone in the South to break out in some ghetto speak every now and then. (Numerous of times) To be honest, it is just down right funny. I love it when I am standing out side and I can hear a telephone conversation CLEAR DOWN THE BLOCK and when said person arrives, 99.9% of the time it is a black female. 96% of the time, they are talking about how "peoples just be needen to back up out my bidness", which of course is hilarious because YOU, ma'am, were just screaming your "bidness" ALL the way down the block.
The mispronunciations are downright hysterical at times. Some of the most memorable for me are (and REALLY DID HAPPEN):
Modem = "I don't know what wrong wit my imodium box"
Mannequin = "How much dem clothes on that dummican be cost?"
Grocery Cart = "Who dat buggy be?" (translation: "Excuse me? Is this your cart?)
Shrimp = "Ah, shit, I be lovin dees skrimp"
Straight = Naw, don't want no more skimp, I'm skrate"
This all brings me to this:
The Epiphany Hair Studio...or as we imagine the the pronunciation to go: The E-pip-pany Hair Studio. i.e. "Hey, I goin to da E-pip-pany to get my hairs did!"
I came across the reviews for the place. HILARIOUS.
Spelling, punctuation...everything is original:
First comment:
worst hair salon ever had a 1: 30 appointment the lafy did not show up until 4 o clock. her name is monica, she has black and red hair. and she works at the epiphany on skida way. please do not go to her she was rude and unprofessional. when i asked for a discount she said that she was not the ruler of how long it took my hair to dry, sense it did take a long time for my hair to dry. so she did not give me a discount and I felt as she was doing my hair that she was making inappropriate gstures behind my back. they are ghetto an unprofessional. i would save my money. glued weaves are 75 dollars sewed in is 135. it is definitely not worth
I can read that ENTIRE post in the correct dialect/accent/ghetto. I can HEAR it in my head. I was laughing so hard by the end of it!!
Next post:
This is Monica I'm not sure at all about who the client is that wrote the extremely.negative review about me. However I have no problem sincerely saying sorry for your bad experience. I'm sure that anyone that gets a quick weave often knows that dryer time is unpredictable and can some times take longer then you would like, therefore I am unable to give discounts for how long it takes for your hair to dry. I would also like to say had this client voiced that she did not feel her hair was worth the price she paid she could have had any one of my many co-workers style her hair with no charge from me. please do not let this one review turn you away from our salon if you would like to see me and some of my co-workers work you can find us on Myspace (Monica Devaughn). thank you.
I just wish this was happening in person. Have you ever seen an angry ghetto black person. DUDE. Entertainment at its finest.
Monica went on to get a surprisingly fantastic review by the next person, but it isn't entertaining, so no need to post that.
On an end note, I was asking my dear Larkin for re-caps of some funny ghetto moments we have witnessed and she reminded me that the moments are good, but what about some of the names...allow me to list a few:
Tracheka
Daquasha
Mikessa
Shavaris
Curitilia
Twanesia
My spell check just had a fit. Yes. Those are real names we come across day to day.
See ya on the flip side my homies! HOLLLAAA!
