To the people that just had an accident outside our office this morning: I am sorry about your cars. Total bummer. But Miss SCAD Student Lady, you should have totally been paying more attention to the speed of the vehicles coming down Drayton. They are faster than they seem. Looking twice saves lives and money on your car insurance! Oh, and to you Mr. Water Man, that was part of that accident, I hope you weren’t just at my house turning off my water, because I PROMISE I am going to pay that shit today.
To my roommate Bobby: I was going to go to sleep last night at 9:30…I was in bed with my PJ’s on and everything…and then you walked in from work with a beer and a smile and the next thing I knew it was 1:00 in the morning! I love our talks! I can’t remember what we talked about or what problems we solved, but boy, were we productive! Thanks for being such an awesome roomie! (too bad you don’t read my blog, you could totally be seeing all these sweet things I am saying about you!)
Once more to the Mr. Water Man: Thanks for not shutting off my water…I checked a little while ago and it was still on. I have now paid that extremely past due bill. Thanks for not cutting it off on the 23rd like your letter said, and would you PLEASE be so kind as to get online payments so I won’t forget to pay you next time. Kthxbye.
Lastly I would like to give a shout out to the considerate thief that broke into the Jeep last night. Thank you for not slashing the windows out, but taking the time to unzip the back window and crawl through the back of the Jeep to unlock the door. Thank you for not taking the radio, subwoofer and amps and I apologize for spilling my coke all over the change you did take. I know that had to be a nasty sticky mess for you. Next time, if you are so kind as to ask, I will be happy to give you my clean, not so sticky, spare change, or maybe even wash the change for you, so you don’t feel the need to put your nasty feet on my back seat and sling the paperwork in the door panels and glove compartment all over the place. Oh, and I hope the pens you took allow you to write a really awesome sign about how you are homeless. Also, please enjoy your bottle of Pinot Noir, which I can only assume that you have, because there really would be no other reason for you to steal a wine key unless you had a nice, relaxing glass of wine waiting on you when you got back to your home under the bridge.
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