Award To You and You and YOUUUU!

Awards are just fun...so I made one to give out.

Homeslice don't play, mmmk?

This is my dope homie blog award. I shall give it to five of my peeps. I am sure that you have noticed from my pictures that I am quite gangsta.

That isn't my kid. As a matter of fact I don't even know who's kid that is. But if I was to have a kid, he would look just like that. With a mohawk.

This prestigious award goes to:

1. Larkin at Still Just Me. Why? Um, cause she is a cootermonger AND she sits right behind me at work and if she finds out that I gave other people this award and didn't give HER an award she would probably tell everyone I am a pig headed jankum mouth gutter slut of a whore. And that would just be terrible. Also, she totally rocks.

2. Mama Dawg at Two Dogs Running cause she says words like "cooter" and "beaver" and that makes me giggle. And even though she throws a football like a girl (ahhhh, BURN!) I still lurve her and award her this...err...award.

3. Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow cause she hates doing laundry just like me. And let's face it. When she comes back to the States to visit her 'rents and then we kidnap her and me, her, Mama Dawg and Larkin get together for some karaoke...it is going to be a pimpin good time and chances are over half the pictures taken will not be internet viewable. Oh yeah.

4. Captain Dumbass at Us and Them because when I saw the picture I used for this award it reminded me of something he would do to his kids. And I still think he should.

and

5. Pearl at Pearl, Why You Little... because she makes me laugh and her stories remind me much of my own life! Particularly the boozin, smokin and laughing till you fall out of your chair stories!

Much love! xoxo!

Cute Baby Alert!

Weeohhh weeeohhhh weeeohhhhh!

That was my submarine alarm.

Peep Lil Baby Jeremy aka JJ aka Lil Man aka Baby J. Sooooooooo cute!

Mama Nicole and Baby J

So we had some pretty bad weather here this past Saturday. Even some tornadoes! What do we do?!? We go outside to listen to the sirens and have a cookout!! The tornadoes were all within a 10-15 mile radius, but I never saw anything.

OK, well, I am off to get my throat scanned this morning. I hope they find something. That may sound weird, but if they don't find anything then I have to go through more tests, so getting it on the first try would be lovely!! :)

xoxo!

What the Hell?!

**UPDATE FOR YOU NOSEY ASS PEEPS...hehe, just kidding, just an update**

So I went in to the doc today...the shortness of breath, heart beating fast and all that jazz was from some wicked awful stealth like allergies sneaking into my lungs. I have no watery eyes, no sneezing...you know, the stuff that says ALLERGIES. So anyway, got a fancy inhaler for that.

The lump in my throat seems to be something to do with my thyroid, so they took some blood from me today and they are doing a scan tomorrow. We shall see. In any case, if they can just take away this feeling of gigantic Mexican food chip stuck in my throat - things would be all right in the world of Jess.

So for like a week now I have felt like something is stuck in my throat. Like when peanut butter or a piece of bread gets stuck. It is UBER irritating. This morning I woke up and it doesn't seem to be as bad, however, I don't feel like I am getting enough oxygen in my lungs and my chest is kinda tight.

I am thinking the Ear, Nose, Throat doctor would be the one to go to for all of these needs, as the not enough air thing seems to be a direct result of my throat feeling like it is smaller than usual. This is all just weird and I don't know what the hell is going on.

I am afraid I am going to spend a bunch of money going to the ENT for him/her to tell me that I have a gigantic snot ball lodged in the back of my throat and if I just wait it out, it will be fine. OR they are going to tell me my esophagus has detached and my throat is going to falling off.

HOWEVER, I have noticed that I get indigestion after I eat EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I NEVER have indigestion. Except when I drink alot of sour mix in a martini...then that is hell, but I got indigestion last night after eating a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Who the hell gets indigestion after eating THAT? Maybe salsa...but peanut butter and honey?!

Retardiculous.

In between me writing the above and now I spoke with bossman Joe, who's Mom and Dad are Doctors and I am going to see his Mom at 1:30 today.

Let's go through the symptoms:

Lump in throat feelings
Throat tightness
Chest tightness
Indegestion
Feeling of not getting enough oxygen

The only change I have had is getting that Implanon put in. That thing better not be trying to kill me.

Five Question Thingy

I am stealing shit again...it's just how I roll. Get used to it.

Took this one from Pseudonymous High School Teacher

1) What gets you out of bed in the morning?

I hope nothing, but inevitably work requires I be there in body and not just in spirit, otherwise my paycheck will only be with me in spirit. If I MUST get out of bed, coffee or some kind of caffeine is a MUST. If I am at work, the first cup goes down between 9:15 to 10:00. If it is the weekend and I am at home, I may not require coffee, but if I do, it usually happens around 12:00, which is morning for me.

2) What scares you and how often do you think about it?

Lately my heart has been racing and shit and I am not sure what that is all about. I kinda feel like my throat is closing up sometime and I can't catch my breath. I goes away, but still I am not sure what is going on. It could all be in my head. Lately, my biggest fear is dying when no one is around and them having to find me. I think that would be tragically horrific to find a dead body and I especially don't want to be that dead body!

3) How important is making a home to you? For example do you like a home to meditate in, cook good food or have people over?

I like a home that is clean. I just love the way a clean house smells. It just makes me feel good to wake up to a clean house or come home to a clean house. So I guess I use my house as a relaxation, meditation kinda place...you know, until we rock it out with a party and decide to wash the floors with cheap beer.

4) Where in the world would you like to travel to next?

I think Europe. I need to get my passport up to date. Oh, and also get some money together for that. We did talk about going to Mexico next year with our tax money. We shall see!

5) (Just for fun...) *What's your favorite Anti Aging Skin Product?

Oil of Old Lady. I actually am out at the moment, but I totally have to use it on my face or I get all dried up. I think it is because I run my heater all year round. It is 12 degrees in my office. My skin does not adapt to such temperatures well.

PUBLISHED!

Finally! I got published. Perhaps I didn't write a book, but it took creativity...mmmk?

Urbandictionary.com has published three of my words.



Friendsult

Definition: An insult shared between good friends.
Example: I love you Gutterslut! Perfect example of a Friendsult.

Beavertwat

Definition: Closely related to Twat Waffle. Commonly used as an friendsult.
Example: Hey Beavertwat! We missed seeing you at the bar last night!

Cootermonger

Definition: A dealer in or trader of cooter.
Example: My friend, the pimp, is an excellent cootermonger.

I highly encourage each and every one of you to use one or all of these words today. Guaranteed to make someone laugh!

Quick Post - In Memory

Just a quick note in memory of Luke and Bucky who both passed away this week. Bucky passed away early Wednesday morning and Luke passed away early this morning.

Luke was diagnosed with T-Cell Lymphoma in July 2007 and treated. He went into remission until October 15th 2008; he relapsed, once again it was T-Cell Leukemia.

Luke received a bone marrow transplant in January of 2009.

Early last week, the day before Luke was to be released from the hospital, in the middle of the night Luke had a seizure. The doctors quickly gave him a CT scan and lesions were present on his brain. A brain biopsy would be extremely risky for Luke because of how weak he was. The lesions appeared worse on the second CT scan and were also present in his lungs.

The doctors decided the safest way to go was to have a biopsy on one of the lesions in his lung. The results came back this past Thursday, Aspergillus. This is a fungus that is very common it is found everywhere even in the dust in the air. The only problem was that because Luke's immune system was so low he has no way to fight the fungus. This fungus spread faster than the meds were able to work. The last CT scan showed a fluid build up on his brain. This fungus was what resulted in his passing. Luke was 17 years old.

Here are some pictures of I have of Luke:

This is Luke and his Mother, Sandra



Luke participating in a cancer survivor walk in November, 2008



This is Luke's sister-in-law, niece and brother, Andy. Andy and I grew up together. The kind of growing up together where our parents have embarrassing photos of us taking baths together and a close up picture of me laying a big ol kiss on him.



I hope heaven has lots of great fishing and hunting spots for ya! Much love!






___________________

Bucky and I spoke a few weeks ago on the phone and he said he hadn't been feeling well for the last few weeks. While I was on vacation, Bucky called Joe (boss man) to let him know he was going to have some heart surgery. Bucky went in to have a heart valve replaced last week, but after they went in they discovered that he had heart cancer. I have personally never heard of cancer of the heart, however, they closed him up and informed him and his family that he had only about a week to live. I can't even wrap my mind around how devastating this has got to be for his family.

Rest in Peace, Bucky

Tuesday Night Rumble!

There is a slight very good chance that Larkin and I were inebriated on Tuesday night.

See, what had happen was…

We met up with our ex-co-workers, Frances and Bobbie, at the Longbranch bar and had a couple of beers. That would have been fine in and of itself, except we ended up going to Blaine’s after that. Rumor had it there was karaoke. Karaoke indeed!!

Being it was a Tuesday night and no one was really there, we got to sing the shit out of all of our songs! It was delightful!

What is more interesting than another karaoke story was what happened AFTER we left the bar.

Larkin and I walk across the street to our favorite convenient store/gas station called Parkers. This is like no gas station you have ever seen. I love it!

I honestly eat at this gas station at least five times a month. Peep these pics!

I guess it is more like a market that sells gas. Whatever.

Anyway, so Larkin and I are standing in line with our food and shit and some drunk asswipe walks in, grabs a 40oz, cuts in front of a customer while the clerk is ringing them up, and throws a $20.00 bill in the clerk's face.

Oh, HELL NAW.

He is promptly rejected and sent to the back of the line. He waits there and then when it is his turn he is a complete bitch about things. He pays then storms off with the bottle in his hand.

No bag. No cup.

AGAINST THE LAW. And it is almost 2:00am. You are a walking target for the cops, dude.

About 30 seconds later he come BACK in the store, and by this time we are all getting a little peeved as this punk. He asks for a cup and the clerk tells him that he will have to pay for one, which would require that he get back in line. He didn’t care for that so much, so he goes and grabs a big ass cup, pours his beer into it, leaves the beer bottle RIGHT NEXT TO THE TRASHCAN and as he is walking out tells the clerk that, “This guy will pay for it…” pointing at some dude that I HOPE was his friend.

Considering I am feeling quite spry at this point, I yelled at him, “Hey! Don’t worry; I will throw away your beer bottle for you!” as I make an exaggerated gestured walk over to throw it in the trash.

Then Larkin yells at him, “You know what? You are kind of an asshole, dude!”

All of a sudden everyone in line chips in and totally reams the guy, putting in their two cents about his actions. Most of the words included ass and hole.

The dude seems confused by why on earth anyone would think he was remotely doing anything wrong. He then proceeds to say something about being from New York and he was going to get his lawyer.

That pretty much did him in right there. New York you say? Is this how you act in New York? Because here in Savannah we are proud of our stores and the clerks that work long hours all day, everyday, and we don’t put up with poo-putt-pussy-ass-punk-bitches giving our hardworking people a difficult time. And you want to call your LAWYER? BITCH PLEASE! We WORK for attorneys, I don’t give a shit if you call your lawyer or the Easter Bunny…what are you going to tell them? I was being an asshole and people called me out on it?

After getting a stern talking to, his friend (whom apparently WAS a lawyer) threw down $40.00 on the counter and hurried him out of the store.

I looked at the clerk and she said, “Um, I think that guy just bought all you guys groceries and stuff.”

So I look behind me and here are three, young drunk boys with 40’s in their hand. All I had was some Combos and Larkin had a hot sandwich. Well, shit, that isn’t $40.00 worth…so we get the boys to go get us a 40oz, they grab a couple more for themselves too, I get some candy bars, Larkin gets some cigs and the guys behind us get cigs. We had $2.00 in change by the time everyone in the store finished shopping. Larkin and I took the change.

The only bummer is that I had paid for my shit before the $40.00 was put on the counter. BLAST!

At least Larkin and those just-turned-21-tonight boys had a good time. And really, one of the guys really did just turn 21 that night. How sweet.

Which reminds me…the clerk asked for everyone’s I.D. and as she was checking she was reading out loud and in my drunken stupor, after hearing her say “1988”, I was like, “WHAT?!? People born in 1988 can drink now?!?” And totally embarrassed to poor newly 21 year old who was like, “YES! YES, I promise you can! I am OLD ENOUGH. LOOK!” And then I felt bad because he had worked so hard to turn 21 and then some drunk ass like me is challenging him in front of the clerk that he is trying to buy his beer from. Dammit drunk Jess…

What is Today? Oh, yeah! Wednesday!

The blogger community is a mystery to those who do not understand it i.e. are not bloggers themselves.

I am constantly amused when Larkin and I get together for beer:30 and discuss what was on everyone's blogs and what is going on. Krystal and Bobby just stare at us.

They are getting a little better with the names...god forbid we call anyone by their Christian name and not by their blog name and/or blog title. That causes an uproar.

I actually talk about ALL of you people on a regular basis. I even think about you sometimes when I am out and about. As a matter of fact, this is for Captain Dumbass



Apparently there is someone else in this world that feels the name Chad is equally as awesome. Awesome enough to etch into the bar at Mellow Mushroom.

It took me three times to get the picture right. Stupid flash and shiny surface.

This is me and my cousin Kristi. We are the cutest people we know.





Kristi came down to visit the weekend before St. Patrick's Day with her boyfriend, Joel.



I have no idea what Larkin is doing in this picture, but it makes me giggle. Funny thing is, I took the picture and I STILL don't remember what she is doing. Singing? It was karaoke that night...hummm...



In sad news, I have found out in the last two days that 2 people I know will be dead by the end of the week.

The first is a long-time friend of the family's son. He is only 18 and has been struggling with cancer for about a year now. They thought they beat it twice...on this last attempt they did a bone marrow transplant which took, but he unfortunately got an infection in his brain. A fungus to be exact. The survival rate is 0%. He will never wake up again and will have moved on by the end of the week.

The second is one of our experts for a case we are working on. (Debbie, if you read this, it is Bucky) I just spoke to him two weeks ago. He wasn't feeling well and said he was going in to have a heart valve replaced, but would be ready to help us with our case in 4-6 weeks and would call in 2 weeks to give an update. Joe got a call from his secretary and she said when they went in they found that he had heart cancer and had only days to live. He is already in renal failure and probably won't make it another 48 hours.

I am sad for the family and friends they people are leaving behind. I am assuming the way that these people are making an exit was not the way they would have preferred.

I am still unsure if I would want to have time to say goodbye or if I would want it to just happen.

What are your thoughts?

Take THAT Computer!

I do not admit it often, but I shall come clean with you guys, I am a bit of a computer geek. If it was anyone else but me, the cool points would be going way down, but it is me and you cannot rival my coolness factor.

Now that I have defended myself against geekdom (FAIL) I would like to present you with a few things that have helped me along in my computer years. (All free of course!)

First we will start out with: Fun, Cool Shit

Audiograbber

If you don't want to use programs like iTunes, then this software is perfect for you. Hell, even if you do like to use iTunes, you should try this too. I use this program to convert other sound files into MP3's. It has no restrictions and alot more freedom than other programs...such as iTunes.

Audacity

This program is amazing. You can use it for SO MANY THINGS. I used to use it to take records...yes, wax records, and I hooked my record player up to the computer and converted the wax to MP3. You can do it with tapes too. Just as long as you have your receiver hooked up to your computer, whatever sound is coming out of your receiver and into the computer is gonna be on Audacity. The greatest part is that you can play a whole record and then go back and split it up into tracks AND set the amount of delay you want between the songs. PLUS, I just recently noticed that Paranormal State uses this program to listen for sounds of ghosts. Who knew?!? Anyway, the program is VERY easy. My grandparents use it for chrissake.

Limewire

Um, yeah, no. I don't pay for my music. SO?! You got somethin' to say about it, PUNK?!

GIMP

I am poor and cannot afford fancy things like Photoshop...so GIMP is my answer. I LOVE this program! Plus the little mascot guy is cute as a weeee little button! I use this program for all of my photo needs, including wiping out blemishes and getting rid of wrinkles on people's faces.

Visual Earth

You cannot even begin the fathom the amount of time I have wasted in my life on this program. I sometimes find myself not having such a swell day and I think to myself, "Self, we should visit London." And off I go....

I suggest downloading the program to your desktop here.

HULU

I watch alot of TV at work because of this site.
________________________

Now for: Helpful Computer Stuff

Spybot

I cannot explain to you how many times this program has saved a "broken" computer. I tell you all now, spyware and malware are Satan.

Use these to help clean up your computers too:

CCleaner

Malwarebytes

The malwarebyes program is free for basic use even though it has a purchase option. For easy downloading, go here.

Belarc Advisor

I use this program before I re-format computers. Most of the time when someone brings me a computer they do not have the discs, containing the operating system and drivers, that came with it. Sometimes the computer builder opts not to include the discs. Belarc Advisor is AWESOME for this. As long as the computer can still boot up, you can run this program and get all the information you need. Along with driver information, it also includes the keys for the operating system and things like Microsoft Office. I LOVE this program!

Taskbar Shuffle

This program is for those suffering with OCD. My OCD isn't with everything, but it is most certainly so with my taskbar. The order my taskbar is very important. Outlook is always first, followed by TimeMatters and then my network directory. Sometimes any one of these programs like to ka-put on me, but NOW, since I have Taskbar Shuffle, even if they shutdown, when I restart that program I can put them back in order the way I want them to be! Some of you may not be as excited about this as I am...

Gethuman.com

Seriously. We have all been there. You are sitting there yelling "CUSTOMER SERVICE" into the phone at some automated chick and she keeps saying, "I am sorry, I did not recognize your response." And then you start banging the phone against your head and she says, "Did you say, BILLING?" and then you say, "NO, I SAID CUSTOMER SERVICE, BEYOTCH" and then she says, "I am sorry, I did not recognise your response." and you are all like, "Ohhhhh, I got something you can recognize RIGHT HERE..."

And then she hangs up on you?

Well, this site can help you avoid that very scenario. Go visit it and you can thank me later.

I Can See Clearly Now...(Well, Not Yet)

I was watching "How It's Made" on TV the other day and they were showing how windshields are made. Interesting since I need to replace the windshield on the Mazdarati!



I called around for some quotes today and they range from $155.15 - $266.42. Kinda baffles me since these are all local shops. You would think they would keep the prices in the general area of each other.

Since I am poor, I will be going with the cheapest and hope for the best. I can only assume that they have a guarantee of some sort.

This will be the second time the windshield has been replaced in that poor car. Both windshields were victims of very tiny pebbles that hit at juuuussssttt the right spot; right on the edge where the windshield meets the rubber seal. Not such a strong point for windshields I have noticed.

Now I just have to find $155.15 somewhere...I think I will start with the couch.

Tid Bits

I am pretty much out of things to blog about.

However, tonight I am going to see my favorite stripper friend who is going to be DJ'ing at club in Hilton Head, South Carolina. That might prompt some fun stories!

So, my little brother has had a helluva week. Honestly.

He got hit by a car. He was fine, the lady's windshield, not so much. He was walking, she ran a red light.

He was attacked by a small octopus. He killed it. It is hard to see, but it is hanging from a stick.



He was shipped off to Charleston, SC for training and was sat next to Payton Manning on the plane.



He was sprayed with MASE.



I would like to thank the inventor of camera phones as I would not have had the joy of these pictures...he failed on the car hitting thing, but I can only assume he was in a bit of shock so he is forgiven!

St. Patrick's Day Celebrations!

As you should know by now, St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah is a HUGE ordeal! I personally look forward to it every year! There is no other day during the year that it is totally acceptable to pop your first beer when you get up and drink until you fall over! Except that one time I was out of coffee and found beer in the fridge and decided to drink that instead, BUT that doesn’t happen very often.

So on St. Patty’s Eve we had our annual firm party. It started at 4:00pm, which means I was done with work and drinking by about 2:00pm, but whatever, I just like to be timely. Larkin and I were on the decorating committee.



As you can see, we were quite proud.

We had a band, fronted by one of our awesome attorneys here, Dave.



That is ol Dave there in the gray shirt. Never fear, the front of it was green with either Harp or Guinness on it.

Friends and family visited. This is Larkin and her Aunt:



Larkin and Andy



We sang, danced, ate, drank ALL THREE KEGS of Harp and ALSO had karaoke!

It is kinda dark, but that is me and Bobby throwing one down



And this is my boss leading us in song…the tune: YMCA. It was a hit!



I believe we had over 100 attendees and by the end of the night it was Me, my boss Joe, Bobby, Krystal, Larkin, Beverly and Dave singing karaoke with ourselves. I think we called it quits about 12:00am. We are cool like that.

Oh, and Larkin peed her pants:



Just kidding. She fell singing karaoke. It is a full contact sport here. Naw, just joshin again, she was just drunk as shit, however, she didn't miss a beat and continued singing from the ground.

The next morning I arise at 8:00am ready for my day of drinking. Unfortunately, the night before was not kind to Bobby, so I assisted with some Excedrin and a glass of water. Not too long after that Justin showed up and we all popped our first St. Patrick’s Day beers at 9:08am.

This shirt says it all!



After gathering the crew we walked two or so miles down to where the parade was going on. We have friends that set up a tent every year. The rule: bring food and beer.

This is my friend Amy…owner of said wonderfully placed tent:



Some highlights of the parade are green goats (not pictured) and the men and women serving in our military that receive big, huge, red kisses.





I don’t know how long this has been a tradition, but it has AT LEAST been going on for 10 years. It is fun to watch all the ladies (and sometimes a drunk man or two) run out and smack a good one on one of our fine service men and women.

I even got attacked…so I guess anyone is game.



We ran into friends from all around:













Krystal finally got off work and decided to come and join us:





We met up with Beverly (Bev is also an attorney at my firm):



And because of her were privy to a very special, privately rented porta potty. (she knew a guy that knew a guy)



Check out those counter tops, bitches! And a wooden toilet seat, but Bobby failed to capture that. It was an amazing bathroom experience!

After you stepped out of that amazing porta potty, you were greeted by this:



That's funny. I don't care who you are.

We took my car down the night before and parked it in the general area we would be walking, packed it full of beer.



We are planners like that.

This picture commemorates a majority of what we did during St. Patrick’s (other than drink): Pee (the blue sign has a "P" on it)



We did a shit-ton of walking folks. I think we covered around 5-7 miles that day.





We were also invited to Beverly’s friend’s house which had an amazing view and wonderful food and drink.













We did notice that one of the buildings close to us decided the penis would make fantastic art. (might have to click to get the full effect)



After the party we headed to one of our favorite bars where Bobby got a picture with ol GW.



Then we headed home. This is the last picture of the night. Arrrr!



It was another sucessful St. Patrick's Day in the land of Savannah!