Upon complaining that I didn’t want to be at work today, I was instructed by the new office mate, Larkin, to “fucking shut up and write a blog or something”.
I told her I didn’t have anything to write about…so let it be known, I don’t. I shall just go with some stuff off the top of my head.
Why does Billy Mayes always yell? Every time he comes on the TV he is about to bust a gut. I was told once, by my Dad I think, that Mr. Mayes was known to be quite the ladies man. I looked it up on Wikipedia, which as we all know, is the Bible of the internet, but found nothing about his personal life. Give me time, give me time. BUT, I do now know that he lives in Florida in a $1.5 million home that was built in 2005.
Speaking of amazing products…let me tell you about some products that I believe are must haves:
Downy Wrinkle ReleaserMy kids will probably never learn how to iron because of this God/Buddha/Jehovah/Muhammad/Whoeverthefuck sent blessing. It is the most amazing thing I have ever had in my laundry product line up.
BTW, I concurred with the crew (Larkin, Paul, Krystal and Bobby) that our new dryer sheets smell like our favorite stripper. I had secretly been sniffing them on my own, but decided to share the delight with others. I was very thankful when they agreed.
Nature's MiracleWe have pets. A plethora of them. This is BY FAR the most amazing product on the planet when it comes to cleaning up any kind of pet odor/mess/anything.
Crazy (soon to be dead) cat pees on your rug? No prob, Bob…toss some of this in with the laundry…cat pee smell gone! Go buy some. Amazon has the best deal.
You know what I forgot to write about? The Vaginal Trashcan.
Perhaps you should quit reading if you don’t like words like, vaginal, trashcan, period, hooker cheese, shit, fuck, cum dumpster, your momma…you know, any thing like that…still here? Ok, continue:
So, a certain work associate of mine (LARKIN) brought in a new product which claims to be an alternative to tampons. Instead is the name of it. You can peep it
here.
I HIGHLY suggest you watch the video. Reading the directions didn’t do much for me, and I have a fucking vagina for ovaries sake! After I watched the video I proclaimed to Larkin that they should just say, “Shove this here gigantic, short, condom looking thing right up behind your pelvic bone…you know, where your G spot is, do a little wiggle and a stretch and that sucker is in like flynn.”
I can tell you this: I didn’t feel a damn thing! I loved it! AND that little fucker can stay in there for 12 hours! Do you know how much cheaper that is than buying tampons?!? (I about shit a brick every time I have to go and buy those lil bound up cotton crammers. $8!! EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS!) But these lil doodles are pretty jam up! Con: pulling it out. It does not absorb. It catches. Other con: non-flushable.
So I guess it all comes down to what you are comfortable with. I am personally pretty fucking comfortable with my body. I have been living with it for some time. Me and my cho cha are tight. Men may not understand…some women still have a problem with it…but let’s face it…it is a natural part of a woman’s life. It isn’t bile. It isn’t shit. It is that substance (not beer) that makes up 10-12 pints of liquid in your body. So, basically what I am trying to say is that I have no problem taking my vaginal trashcan out and I highly suggest it for those of you that might be looking for a something a little different.
Thank you for tuning into Jessica’s ramblings today!
