New Cult

I have joined a new cult called Skype. Kat made me do it. We spent about 4 hours talking on that damn thing and it was just like she was here (or us there) the whole time!

Bobz and KK had to work late, so they didn't get home until around 8:00 (12:00a.m. Kat time) Then Larkin called and found out we were having webcam beer:30 and she decided to drop by. In the end I had about 5 Stella Artois, two Miller Lites and a whole pack of cigarettes.

It was a great party. You should have been there. We discussed ALL sorts of things...from church to weather and pretty much solved the worlds problems.

I am going to invite you to join our cult. To show my support I am going ASAP to purchase a new webcam. In case you are wondering I am getting the Logitech - WebCam Pro9000. You know it has to be good when it has the word "pro" and a large number in it.

My Skype name is Squeetthang.

Send me yours, or just ring in or whatever and we will commence the party.

Christmas Rundown!

This is the season where we do dog sitting. For the past three years we have had someones dog who needed to go out of town for the holidays. This year we got TWO! Dogsitting reminds us that though we love us some dogs, they require approximately 110% more responsiblity than the cats. I never realized how much the cats clean themselves...we were knee deep in dog fur by day two.

We had Marley for ten days, he is a Catahoula Leopard and such a sweet boy!!! He is known to be a skittish dog as in his early years he was subjected to a not so nice person. It took him three days to warm up and after that he was super excited every time we came home and loved to cuddle!

The number two dog is a German Shepherd named Salvador. Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí to be exact. Sal is a German rescue around 3 years old and is in need of about 15 more pounds. He is a SUPER smart dog, yet hard headed, and a complete snuggle bug! He is soooooooooooo sweet!

He and Marley hit it off immediately! It was confirmed that they were gay lovers when 1) Marley had to go to his home and they both searched for each other for a few days and 2) When we took Sal up to meet Marley at the pet store they were in such joy they immediately tried to hump each other.

I got KK a Playstation 3 for Christmas...it was hysterical watching her open it. The squeals could be heard for miles. It is actually a good gift for the whole family as it is a Blu-Ray player and also has a nice partnership with Netflix for streaming movies right to our TV. Needless to say she got up quite early the day after Christmas ready to go shopping for some new games and was stuck to the couch for the remainder of the weekend.

I hoooked up the Playstation 2 to my TV and also...wait for it...wait for it...the ORIGINAL Nintendo NES.

Step back, that's right, my ORIGINAL Nintendo STILL works and I happen to have quite a few games for it too! After helping Larkin clean out her room the other day (you are welcome) we found about 20 NES games in her room, so we had those to play too.

Larkin and I saved the world in about 45 minutes playing some gorilla warfare game. We are just good like that. I shot a couple hostages, but in the end we got those bad Chinese looking guys. We also played Super Mario Brothers 3. Best. Game. EVA! Best quote of the game by Larkin: "Go gooo tiny baby Jesus Mario!!!"

I played Gun Smoke, Wizards and Warriors, Iron Sword and California Games for the remainder of the weekend. My thumb is sore. OH! And I attempted to play The Adventures of Link, but they only give you like three lives and then you have to start over. I need more than three. More like 70. Plus there was alot of reading. Psshaah.

As for Christmas day we went to see Avatar. AWESOME! Stop reading this now and go see it. SO GREAT! As for Christmas dinner we had IHOP. Equally as awesome! Nothing says Christmas like double blueberry pancakes with hashbrowns and scrambled eggs!

Hope your Christmas was fun!!!

Christmas Box from Mom

My mother mailed me a box for Christmas...here are the contents:

Yes. That is a half used roll of toilet paper. There have been multiple conversations between me and Mom about my need to have to "borrow" TP from the office every now and then. I just HATE buying toilet paper. We always run out at the most inconvenient times and TP is NOT cheap. Thanks, Mom.

Also included, goat's milk soap, a lovely house coat, some funky Christmas socks, a Wal-Mart gift card (for TP presumably) and a chocolate bar. Does my Mom know me OR WHAT!

Wordless Wednesday - Bar Poses

Merry Chrima!

Christmas Day...

Looks like it will be another delightful Christmas Day in the ol Savannah!

Other than that who scattered showers thing, that temperature is RIGHT ON! My kind of winter. If it never got below 65 all would be well in Jessica's world!

The See Me Rollin...

I have been newly radiatored. It totally feels like the car is driving better (which, naturally, it is, being it was doing more sitting on the side of the road than actual driving two days ago)...driving better like how you SWEAR your car is driving better after an oil change. You know what it is? Relief. The car senses the weight being lifted and the car drives better because it isn't as heavy. Yep, sticking to that.

My body has been like a freakin CHAMP this week! At least two nights this week I was a bit excessive in the drink AND went to bed a tad bit later than I should have,(bedtime SHOULD be 11:00, NOT 1:00) but each morning I have awakened to find that I feel pretty bombtastic! Even last night...I knew for SURE I would hate myself this morning. I had ENTIRELY too many shots. I even went into the bathroom and made myself a bed on the floor because I was CERTAIN I was going to need to use it. Next thing I know I am popping out of bed this morning, fresh as a spring chicken.

What the fuck is a spring chicken? Don't chickens have baby chickens all year round? What is so special about a spring chicken?

Man, I have to poop. Gonna need to commandeer a secluded bathroom very soon. Stupid liquor shits.

I am slowly but surely jump starting my body to let it know that it has to loose 15-20lbs after the holidays. This happens every year. It takes me about three months to loose the weight and then I will slowly gain it back throughout the rest of the year. What can I say? I like to eat!

So I typically start with eating Lean Cuisines for lunch and eating a reasonable dinner. Doesn't mean that I don't eat bad, but I will only have like three fried chicken fingers instead of all six.

This was yesterday's lunch:

Except this is what it ACTUALLY looked like (FAIL):

I tasted it and it most certainly needed some of this:

A Story About How Great Xanax Is...

I have never been one of those people that have experienced the phenomenon of when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong, when it rains it pours, when the shit starts rolling...you know what I am saying...right? Anyway, I have been lucky in that aspect!

I have had my car for 11 years. It is a 2000 Mazda Protege (or Protogay as the Bobz calls it). It is the first car I have ever bought and has been a joy to have. However, the Mazdarati is old. I have had plans to sell it in February and then purchase a new-to-me vehicle with the tax return. Bobz is also without a car. His bit the dust 8 months ago. He had Toby for 12 years. Because I work just blocks from the house, I walk to work and let the Bobz drive my car.

Four weeks ago I had to have some kind of gaskets replaced. ($150.00) Since the gaskets were leaking that caused some kind of issue with the catalytic converter, which I did not have the money to fix, so the end result is that the car doesn't have very good get up and go. It will go, but it really has to think about it.

Two weeks after the gaskets were replaced, my right front break locked up. I have never heard of a break locking up, but mine did! Because it was locked up, and I had to drive it to the mechanic, the break burned up. So I had to get a break job. ($190.00).

Sunday it was discovered that my back drivers side tire was flat thanks to an abnormally large nail. I was sick on Sunday, so KK and Bobz changed the tire and put on the spare. Bobz took pictures to commemorate. He was the supervisor of this project.

I have never had to use the spare or the jack or any of the tools required to change a tire on that car. Upon locating the jack for the vehicle, it was discovered that it was under water. Water in my trunk. WTF? Apparently that water had been there for some time because it rusted the fuck out of the jack. They eventually got that working and got the spare on. The spare was flat.

After a brief discussion in my cough medicine medicated state we decided I would just get someone to come pick me up for work and take the original flat tire down to the tire place and have it plugged.

Unfortuneately, the tire place does not plug tires, they patch them. Naturally, where this mammoth of a nail was located was a place that would not hold a patch. I had to buy a new tire. ($72.00)

So the Bobz calls me Tuesday night (I was out at triva) and tells me that the car is smoking. Awesome! After finding out from which end it was smoking, it was determined that the radiator was leaking. He was already at the house, so it was decided to just let the car cool down and when I got home we would add some water to it.

All was well with the car the next morning and afternoon. Bobz came to pick me up from work and I needed to get across town to pick up my Xanax for these pesky panic attacks that show up at random.

We get to the CVS and Black Beauty is just billowing smoke. Temperature gage is all good, and hell, we all need to let off steam every now and then, so we just go in to CVS and get the goods.

Upon cranking her back up AND having a discussion with her about how I knew she was thirsty and all, but please just hold on for three more miles and we would be home. Being it was rush hour traffic there was alot of stopping involved. She was NOT pleased about this. Half a mile from CVS she overheats.

I pull that bitch over like a freakin pro and park next to a lovely house with large hedges. Bobz and I contemplate what it is that we need to do. Here is what we DO know:

We don't need to get back on the main road.

KK is on her way home in the Jeep.

Larkin lives about a mile from where we are.

The Mazdarati is thirsty and we need to get her water.

The car is too hot to put water in.

We don't know exactly how to get to Larkin's house from the random side road we pulled over on.

Bobz has GPS on his phone.

The GPS is blocked by the large hedges.

We let the car sit for 15 minutes, which was a perfect time to smoke a cigarette and talk about how great our day has been.

We finally fire her up and get about 100 yards down the road and have to pull over again to let her cool down. Repeat this process four times. It took us 30 minutes to go six blocks. I would just crank that bitch up, punch the gas and go as fast as I could until the temperature went souring to the H. I was running stop signs like a mother fucker, Bobby was screaming, both arms glued to the oh shit bar, I am screaming at the people in front of me to move (strangely, they ignored me. It was like they couldn't even hear me or something) and then I would slam on my (newly bought set of) breaks (they work quite well), screatch to a halt and turn her off to steam for another 10 minutes.

In the process I took a moment to call my mechanic.

"Hey Michael"

"Oh! Hey Jessica! How are you"

(Jesuseffinchrist my mechanic knows the sound of my VOICE!)

"Well, I am trying this new thing where I only go 100 yards at a time, breaking as many traffic laws as possible and also get a lovely steam facial at the same time."

"Sounds delightful! However, the basic concept of a car is to get you from point A to point B in a reasonable amount of time and your vehicle did not come with a facial steaming option. It is about $400.00 to have this option removed."

"Great! At this rate it will take me until the next new moon to get to your shop, but I will get her there as soon as possible!"

We finally make it to Larkin's! There was beer. And TV. And good company. We chilled there for about two hours, KK came over with more beer and we had a delicious dinner of Wendy's hamburgers.

When it was time to make a break for it, we filled up a bucket, put water in the radiator, left the cap off so if it ran out of water again, one of us could just jump out and pour some more water in...quickly jumped in the car before all the water leaked out and slammed it! I have never made it from one side of town to the other so fast! The green light gods were with us and we got her safe and sound to the mechanic. It looked like Ol Faithful when we parked.

It was kinda pretty, but not $400 pretty.

I guess this story didn't have that much to do with Xanax after all. But it really is a great drug!

Wordless Wednesday

Express to Jess: First Edition

Mepsipax asks:

"What is your favorite curse word. I see you use twat waffle. That is a good old standby. Have you invented any good ones?"

I think I stand with millions and have to say that my favorite cuss word is fuck. It is just so damn versatile! You can say it when you are happy, (Fuck!) sad, (fuuuck...) indifferent, (Eh, fuck) angry (FUCK!!) or actually fucking. (fuckity fuck fuck!!)

Twat Waffle is like the theme song to The Golden Girls...it is just classic!

Have I invented any new good ones?! I suppose it depends on your version of good, but let me look around, where did I put that...ah, yes, here it is...Jess's Words That Have Been Published for All To See In The Dictionary That Should Replace All Other Dictionaries. (Ha, I said dic...twice!)

Bevertwat. It is actually redundant, but it rolls off the tongue nicely. And I do mean that in the dirtiest way possible.

Cootermonger. The literal definition is fun and all, but calling someone a Cootermonger is just plain hilarious!

My favorite thing to do it group words together, like "lard ass lying pig headed gutter slut of a whore". And she was.

MarkD60 asks:

"What begins with T, ends with T and is full of Tea?"

Teabagging of course! Oh, wait, no, that was the answer to something else. Teapot! TEAPOT! Whew, thankgoodness you weren't Alex and I wasn't a contestant on Jeopardy and we weren't on live TV. (not that Jeopardy is ever live) That was a close call! Do I get money for that answer or just a free trip to visit you and Sunshine in the Cayman Islands?

Pearl asks:

"Jess, where should I go on vacation? I want warm, pretty, maybe some culture. Bear in mind that I live in Minneapolis and have no passport. Please don't say "Detroit" because it's unbelievably expensive, for some reason, to fly from Mpls to DTW. Don't ask how I know that -- it's incredibly boring."

Warm and pretty is not how I envisioned Detroit, so you were pretty safe on me NOT suggesting that for your vacation location, however, I have a strange feeling that your story is anything but boring. You tell stories about riding the bus to work that have me glued to my computer monitor. But in answer to your question, I say Savannah, Georgia!!

Please do not be frightened by all the Paula Deen fanatics. They come from all around and apparently where they come from it is absolutely OK to walk out in front of cars and walk across intersections when the big red blinking hand is OBVIOUSLY giving them the big "NOOooooo, don't do it! YOU CANNOT CROSS NOW, please, please!!! For the love of your legs and hips, don't cross now!!!" but to no avail. I am on a streak this year. I almost wiped out an entire tourist family last week.

I found you a round trip ticket for about $350.00.

As for culture, well, we have some VERY talented homeless people. Their musical talents are above and beyond some of the other homeless people in other cities that I have seen.

OH!! I KNOW! It is completely legal to walk around with an open container!

We also have a variety of pubs. Savannah used to be a city where folks from across the pond would come and work off their debts...apparently alot of English, Irish and Scottish folks owed a shit ton of money because we are full up on English, Irish and Scottish pubs. They serve traditional foods (fish n chips n shit) as well as play traditional tunes!

I am sure you are on your way to pack your bags right now. We will be waiting for ya! Check in is between 5:00p.m. and 3:00a.m....or until the beer runs out.

Heeeyyy, What's That Button Do...

I am collecting and answer questions from Friday's post. You best be asking some questions if you wanna get in on this shiznit. Until then, gaze your eyes upon this:

I totally thought it was some kind of fancy baby changing station.

Last Thursday we were finishing up our beer rounds when I had the need eat...and pee. So I picked out some food at Parker's and then went and asked for the bathroom key...which is attached to a hubcap.

I get in the bathroom and see the above. I have discovered that my drunken state is not only prone to drunk text like a mo fo, it is also very curious! I totally put my hand in that shit and OMG.

You know how they have those turbo jet engine hand dryers? Well, this is kind like that except the wind comes in at an angle literally squeegeeing your hands dry, but without any physical contact with anything! Takes all of three seconds. Dry. Not a drop left.

And I see now that this device was made by Dyson. Isn't that guy just full of wonderment. Show off.

Gonna Try This New Thing...

I was thinking about that whole interview thing I did a couple posts ago and then that got me to thinking about how many questions we are asked (or ask) a day. And it really equals alot. That is part of my job is to answer questions as well as ask them.

Then you have the questions you ask yourself...and the answers you answer to yourself.

The questions of friends.

The questions of your girlfriend and roommate, which actually only consists of "What are we eating tonight?" Which is easily answered by me, "Mexican!" To which I get low rumbles of murmuring disagreement. Apparently THEY don't like eating Mexican food everyday for three meals a day like me.

SO, I have decided to start "Express to Jess"!

This is going to be a lovely segment where you ask me a question and I answer it for you! (May just be one segment long. Depending on the surroundings (beer) and the amount of questions (more than one, less than two) I might be able to solve the world's problems in one go around!)

This is amazing! I am putting myself out there as the new Dear Abby/Ann Landers! Could you imagine if THOSE bitches were still alive how much blogging they would be doing?!? Oh, they would!

Basically, this is just to do something new. Winter time is slow for me! So, what better thing to do than answer people's questions!

You can ask anything...make it serious, make it funny, make it yours. OWN THAT SHIT!

If you don't want to own it, you can be anonymous. I am cool with that.

OK, go.

Utterly Awesome!

We do this Secret Santa thing around the office. For the better part of December you can arrive at your desk and find that a small gift has been left. My Secret Santa is pretty much the shit because my first gift was coffee. Which was all know is the ONLY way I survive in the morning. It was a beautiful holiday blend of some sort from Starbucks. It might not have even been holiday, but the cup looked holiday, so it tasted that way. As all Starbucks are...it was heaven in a cup.

The second gift I got was this:

I freakin LOVE IT! I am soooooo all about funny things and this made me giggle hard core!! Makes drinking coffee THAT much more enjoyable! Teats up!

P.S. In sad news, my cell phone bit the dust, so no more funky pictures. I knew it would happen one day...there goes my fortune! OH!! And I totally forgot to tell you that when I took my broke ass phone to the repair place, they told me it would be Wednesday until the replacement phone was in. I said OK. They asked what number they could call me at to let me know when it arrived. I gave them my work number since, like many of us, our cell phones are the ONLY phone we use. Most of Wednesday goes by so I decide to call the store. The chick that answers says that she has already called everyone for the day, but she will go check. Sure enough, my phone is there.

"Ummm, ma'am? What number did you call?"

"The number that is on your account. 478-335-xxxx."

"So you called the number that was on my CELL phone account, which is my CELL phone number to tell me that my replacement CELL phone was in. You do understand that when people come to you it is because their cell phones are no longer in working order, right? And that there is a VERY strong chance that they will not be able to check their voicemails...seeing as how their cell phones are BROKEN."

WOW.

Have You Found Jesus Yet?

First, I need you to look at this weather report for the week:

76 today, 50's tomorrow. WHACK!

I was checking the weather for the rest of the month and I saw this ad next to my weather map:

I am not sure what Naked Furry Chested Jesus has to do with weather OR homeowners failing to take advantage of the governments refinance plan, but he scares me way more than Golden Baby Halo Jesus...

...Black Jesus...

...and even gun totin' John Wayne Jesus...

Yes, Naked Furry Chested Refinance Jesus scared me more than any of those. I may never look at the weather again.

Let Us Interview, Shall We?

Soooooo, after much though a careful (not really) consideration, I decided to take part in The Great Interview Experiment.

What a GREAT IDEA! It reminded me of being in a bar...cause when you are in a bar and you sit down next to someone you don't know, you have that whole, "Hey, what's up, what's your name, what do you do..." thing and this is like that except with someone that, in all likelihood, I will never meet in a bar. Not that I wouldn't and all. Me + bar + new person = helllls to the yeah!

OH, yes, let me introduce you to Jen over at Pieces of Me. Everyone say, "HI JEN!" [[echos of "Hi Jen!"]]

Here is what Jen had to say in response to my preguntas...

Growing up (and sometimes even now) people call me Jennifer. I think that is rather strange since Jessica isn’t even CLOSE to Jennifer. What is the weirdest name anyone has ever called you? (It can be a made up name (like one of my favorites: Gutter Slut) or an honestly mistaken name)

I have been called, Jen mostly, but mistakenly called Jessica, and Stephanie. I actually hated my name for so many years because so many people had it; I wanted to have name that was more exotic. My middle name is also common, and plain, Ann. Oh well, I was also teased with the name Italian Bread and Smurfette because I am Italian- American and always was short.

I noticed you talked about Whitney Houston in two of your posts and it made me think about me and my roommate, Bobby, whom I commonly refer to as “Bobbbbayyyy!!!” like how Whitney used to summon her Bobby. Have you ever had roommates? How was that experience for you?

I have had roomies but for very short periods of time, and only twice in my adult life, besides my husband, and I can’t say they were the best experiences, sadly. My advice about that is, never share a place with a very close friend, or if you are single and they have a boyfriend it will always cause tension and strife. I loved living alone, after I got used to it, but then I got married. Another feat in itself!

I see you are from New York. Were you born there? If so, how was it growing up in New York? If not, where did you grow up? We Southern folk think that New York is a strange, foreign land and it scares us a little. Probably how Yankees think us Georgia peeps are shoulder to shoulder full of rednecks playing horseshoes with toilet lids, which isn’t true. Mostly.

I was born in Red Bank, New Jersey but when my parents got divorced we moved to Bensonhurst, Brooklyn where my mom and dad were from, and when I was 5 years old, we moved to Manhattan, in an area called Washington Heights, most know it from the Broadway play called In The Heights. I love NYC, no other city like it. Think I will live here forever, although I have considered a warm climate, like Arizona, or South America, Argentina :)

Reading about your marathon training makes me fucking hungry. What food could you never live without?

Well, I ran a 5k, not quite a marathon, but I love food, cooking and eating! I could never live without pasta, cheese, bread and something sweet J preferably, cake!

I once did that whole skydiving thing and found it to be quite amazing! I had them videotape it in case 1) I died and 2) I didn’t want to do it again. I figured I would always have the tape! (And yes, I said tape twice…I do mean VHS.) What is the bravest/craziest thing you have ever done?

I traveled alone to France and also California; I taught myself how to ride a bike on a hill when I was 13 - I spent many years struggling on my own before I got married, and being away from family, with no support was very hard, but it did make me stronger. Those are just a few times in my life I have been very proud of myself. I thought getting my tattoos were nutz too; my first Tattoo actually says Brave Woman in Chinese.

I really enjoy “meeting” people through their blogs. It is a whole new world of pen-pal meets the 21st century! What is your favorite thing about blogging, blogs or blog people?

My favorite thing about blogging is being able to feel and be creative, being able to express that, and share that with the world, and then finding others who feel the same way and the bond it creates.

Disturbing Celebrity

It is time for another post on disturbing celebrities.

Carrot Top. (aka Scott Thompson)

When did Carrot Top become a female body builder?

Upon further inspection of the above photo, I noticed that you get a peep of the top of the bush. Yes, you just got an eyeful of Carrot Top pubes. I know. I wish I had never seen it either. However, I am a big believer that if I suffer, all must suffer with me.

Ever wish you could see the future...it has been seen for Carrot Top...

So Many Questions

As with most things in life, when I have a question, I turn to the internet.

The other morning I was stepping out of the shower and noticed that Miss. Pretty needed some lawn maintenance. (WHAT! We are friends! And besides, it is winter time...you ladies know how it goes in the winter!) Then my mind started wondering. Why, oh WHY are pubes ALWAYS curly, no matter what kind of hair you have on top of your head? I have always told people that my head hair is "1970's Cher straight"

But back to pubic hair. So, I tried to look it up. I didn't get very good answers. What I did get was some STRANGE, VERY STRANGE search results from Google.

Go ahead, click on it.

PHP. Sounds like a drug. Or a cult. Either way, I am totally in.

Pubic Hair Styles Pictures. I don't even know where to go with this one. I was too frightened to click the link.

Why does Pubic Hair Get Everywhere. Mine mainly stays where it is supposed to. I mean, sure, you have your typical hair shedding in the shower, but that goes for your head hair too. I wonder what kind of problems this person was having!?

More Fancy Photos

I am really trying to get a cool picture of this mirror...not quite what I am going for yet.

Sunglasses are a staple in my life

That is my reflection on the left.

Get Your Boards Out!

It is time to Wakeboard, beyotches!!

It is that seasonal time of year when the roads to and from Tybee Island flood. (Actual Tybee Island flooded picture taken this week)

These people are all going to work and shit and not a ONE OF THEM...NOT A ONE...has a wakeboard attached to the back of their vehicle. Don't they know about the FUN they are missing?!? SURE you could DIE by being run over. SURE you have to change clothes when you get to work. SURE it is against the law. BUT, BUT LOOOOOK at how GREAT that water is for a wakeboarding competition!! Amazing it what.