December Post!

I realize it has been quite a while since I posted; for that, I apologize.

It has been completely hectic for two months. Hell, in just the last week it has been nuts!

A co-worker of mine went in a couple months ago to have a tumor removed from her brain. Was to be a fairly simple operation, but it has turned into two strokes and around 3 months in the hospital. They weren't even able to completely remove the entire tumor. It is going to be a long road of recovery for her, but I know she will pull through.

Last week, Krystal's mom was having sharp headache pains and after suffering with them for about three days, finally was convinced that she should have an MRI. They found that she had a stroke (albeit, an old one) and has some kind of enlarged artery thing in her head. She had surgery on Saturday and should be getting out of the hospital today. On top of all that news, she was also diagnosed with emphysema and lung disease. I guess they saw that when they were doing a head/chest MRI. Anyway, they are just wanting to fix the headaches for now.

In the meantime, we have been having some fun! We are still bowling on Thursdays and we also had an Ugly Christmas Sweater/Outfit Party and Larkin's birthday was this past weekend.

First, Ugly Christmas Sweater/Outfit Party:

Your eyes do not deceive you. We are wearing our Forever Lazy's. (P.S. Have I mentioned, NEVER order from that website...)

And then this weekend, we went over to Larkin and Paul's to celebrate with beer and fire...and Krystal was still wearing her Forever Lazy.

Want Something Yummy?

This is my Mammy's famous clam dip. As read in previous posts, Mammy passed away in October, but thankfully she e-mailed me the recipe to her clam dip a year or two ago.

1 clove of garlic

2 tsp lemon juice

18 oz pkg cream cheese

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/2 tsp Worcestershire

A dash of pepper

1 6.5 oz can minced claims; drained or chopped claims drained

1/4 cup clam broth

Rub small mixing bowl well with garlic that has been cut in half

In bowl blend well remaining ingredients

If thinnner dip is desired, add more clam broth

Makes about 2 cups

Eat with a sturdy potato chip...we like the Lays Wavey chips.

Seriously, this dip is to die for. Mammy used to make two double batches and hide the second double batch so we would go slow on the first. It still didn't last more than 15 minutes.

I prefer the chopped clams cause finding that giant clam in the dip is equivalent to finding treasure! So if you want a chunkier dip, holla at those chopped clams instead of minced.

OhHiOhio!!

SOOOOOOOO! I got my Forever Lazy(s).

I do NOT recant my previously stated opinion about the company that gives us the Forever Lazy. They are still a total scam.

What I will say is that they accidentally sent me FOUR (4) Forever Lazy's and FOUR (4) pairs of matching Forever Lazy socks. SCORE!

So they kinda make you look like a Teletubby, but MAN are they comfortable! We both slept in ours last night. I would recommend getting one or two of these whenever they get to Wal-Mart or CVS or where ever As Seen on TV things go when they are no longer seen on TV.

I also went to give blood yesterday, or as the Red Cross calls it, I went to be a hero. They will just butter you up any way they can to get you to come in there and bleed out for them. I saw yesterday that they have new computers and blood equipment and all kinds of new fancy things...including flesh eating bandaids:

OK, perhaps it isn't their fault. It appears that in the last five years or so I have contracted an allergy to adhesives. I loved Band-Aids as a kid. Is this like when your mom eats too much peanut butter when you were in her baby oven and now you have a nut allergy? Thank goodness I don't have a nut allergy...I love peanut butter too much; so I guess I should just be thankful it is just my flesh that is falling off.

21st Century!

We finally did it! We made it to the 21st century...well, at least as far as alcohol goes. We can FINALLY purchase alcohol on Sundays in package stores.

The State of Georgia had originally brought up a bill that would just allow the entire State to sell on Sundays, but then those good ol Southern Baptists got their holy underwear in a wad and bitched and moaned until the State finally just said that each County would vote on it then.

Know what happened? Like 98.9% of the State of Georgia can now sell alcohol in stores on Sunday now. Know what that means? There are A LOT of Baptist drinkers in the closet.

Here is Chatham County's results for Package Alcohol Sales on Sunday:

Yes 12,532 60%

No 8,464 40%

Now, let us (not to be confused with lettuce) look at Tybee Island's results for Package Alcohol Sales on Sunday:

Yes 1,044 83%

No 211 17%

Bwahahhaha! OK, that might only be funny if you have ever BEEN to Tybee Island. That is the most drinkinest (real word) island I have EVER been on. I have never met a sober person that lived or visited Tybee. (Pronounced Tie-Bee, by the way) And as you can see by the votes, Tybee is a very small island. I am not sure who those 211 people are that were trying to be Debbie Downers, but I am sure they will be hunted down and flogged by the other Tybee locals.

Anyway, back to voting. So, as most of you were doing yesterday, there was a calling for new mayors and city counsel people all across our fair Country. As may be evident by the beginning of this post, the only thing I cared about in this local election was that there was alcohol being sold on Sundays in my grocery store, convenient store and package stores. The people up for election are so uninteresting, even if I was drunk, which is when I find even the most mundane things interesting, I would still be falling out from boredom.

So I just don't take part in it.

Best part of yesterday:

My voting location. A Baptist Church.

If I had time to go home and change into my Miller Lite swag I SO WOULD HAVE.

So I voted for Sunday liquor sales at a Baptist Church. OMG. The irony.

Full Weekend

This weekend was non-stop! Saturday morning Krystal and I got up and headed downtown to see our friends Whitney and Michelle run in The Rock N Roll Marathon. Also running was my boss, his wife and some other people from the firm. This of course was followed by drinking in the firm parking lot immediately following the race. That was at 10:00am.

At about 3:00pm I sat down at one of our local bar spots, as two of our favorite radio personalities were coming into town - Lex and Terry They didn't actually get there until 9:00pm, and I consumed a lot of beer during that time. Apparently, so did Krystal...let's check out how many times it took Drunky McDrunk to get my picture with them...

Try 1.

Try 2.

Try 3.

Try 4.

Try 5.

Fifth time is a charm...and by that point I was giggling so much that my face is all squished and wonky.

I sure wasn't going to ask to re-take this one of Krystal...so she will just have to live with the blurry.

And THEN...on Sunday Krystal decided to rearrange the side of a Dodge Caravan with the front end of my car, stemming from her apparent hatred of green vans driven by pregnant women.

1998 Dodge Caravan...meet...

Front end of 2010 Kia Soul...

It was a classic case of trusting a blinker. The woman driving the van had her right blinker on, Krystal pulls out a bit and lady keeps going straight. Van lady now has a very long dent with various scratches highlighting the entire passenger side of her van. And they will not be using the passenger side sliding door anytime soon, as it has been temporarily bent shut.

Surely this lady was having pregnancy brain and forgot her blinker was on and surely there is some sort of fault on her there?!? What? No!!?? GAH! What is wrong with laws these days?!

Anyway, I anticipate my damages will be about $300.00, which I will just pay for out of pocket and I am thinking about $3,000.00 in damage to their van. We will see how close I get. Adjuster comes out today.

Don't EVER Order from https://www.orderforeverlazy.com/

Seriously, I had to put that in the title so HOPEFULLY that gets picked up by all the search engines. I repeat...NEVER ORDER a Forever Lazy from https://www.orderforeverlazy.com/.

And here is why:

First off, I want to say, fair friends, that I am a HUGE fan of the onesie. I don't care who you are, you can seriously lick my ass. Even as 30 year old woman, I LOVE my onesies. I currently own three onesies, cause I know you were wondering. NONE OF THEM ARE FROM FOREVER LAZY.

Anywho, I saw a story for Forever Lazy on a reputable website (CNN of all places) and decided to check into it. The first site I checked did not have a secure website, so I passed. The second one, which is https://www.orderforeverlazy.com/ appeared to be what I needed.

After picking my two colors (as the site CLEARLY says buy one, get one free, pay $7.95 shipping) and filling in the information and card information, it takes you through a series of pages with things they want you to add on.

I am not an idiot and I know most of their money is made in shipping and handling by charging said shipping and handling on each added on item, even though they all ship together. This scam has been going on a long time.

What I DID have a problem with was once I got done with a dizzying amount of "add this to your order pages" it just jumped immediately to "Thanks! Your Order is Complete". FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF $91.00!

WHAT THE FUCK?!? NO confirm your order page. NO page that shows what the total is going to be before you hit submit. NOTHING.

On top of that, they didn't give me a buy one get one free, they charged me $29.99 for BOTH onsies and also $15.95 for shipping for BOTH onsies. LIVID.

Total scam. I got taken. That is why I am sharing my shame with you so you won't get taken either.

I called them immediately (Forever Lazy® P.O. Box 3179 Wallingford, CT 06494 Phone: 1-866-684-0473) and OF COURSE they have no record of my order and therefore cannot cancel or edit it. "It hasn't hit their system yet". The answer is to call back BEFORE 24 hours has passed because it will just automatically ship after that. You know when your order posts? About 3:00am. Sometime when you will NOT be near a phone or computer to catch it before it does.

They gave me a website: https://www.customerstatus.com/Default.aspx which they told me would allow me to cancel said order. I checked that motherfucker at LEAST 20 times before 12:00am; nothing. I called FOUR times to see if there was something on their end; nothing.

Actually, I got a hold of one lady that told me my order had been cancelled. I let her know that was fairly impossible as I had not asked for it to be cancelled yet, so I wasn't sure what she was looking at. She was quite insistent that it had and after further pressing, she finally read the name on the order that was cancelled (in February no less) and of course it wasn't mine. She was just looking up orders from my zip code. FUCKTARDS.

So IMMEDIATELY upon waking the next morning (7:30am) I checked the website again. It had posted, but there is NO WHERE on the site that you can edit it.

I immediately called and "Brian" told me there was just nothing he could do because OF COURSE it had "shipped".

Brian: "BUT!! There are two options Miss Jessica! When you receive it you can return it."

Me: "BUT, I don't want to pay that $30.00 in shipping. That is a majority of my complaint"

Brian: "OR I have a second option, I can waive $28.00 of that order and your total will be $60.00"

Me: "FINE"

LET ME TELL YOU, it was NOT fine. I am not FINE with being charged for both. I am not FINE with there not being a total and submit page. I am not FINE with them charging me EXTRA shipping and handling for the two free footies they throw in the order (without my consent). I am not FINE with their OBVIOUS scams.

And the kicker...

Brian: "Miss Jessica, this will be shipping out to you by the end of the week"

Me: "WAIT A SECOND!! I thought you said..." *click*

That's right people, duped again. Fucking thing hadn't shipped yet!!!!!!!!!!! That mother fucker lied his balls off. Actually, they all did. There is no reason in the world that there should be a delay from the time you order. There is no reason in the world they shouldn't be up front about things.

Greed.

SURE you can go through the process of disputing charges with your bank. SURE you can do a lot of things. But like me, you are probably pretty busy and unfortunately, by the end of the day, it just isn't worth my time to dispute the remaining $60.00. Yes, that is two cases of beer and a 12 pack, but damn. Having already had the run around with the asswipes at Forever Lazy answering service, how many people do you know who want to call their bank and go through it with them? Truth be told, I did call my bank, and they were nice, but can't do anything until AFTER the charge has been charged. THEN I can call back again and make a claim. SO not worth the $60.00.

OK, so kids, lesson here is just to buy all that "As Seen On TV" shit at CVS, Walgreens or Wal-Mart.

P.S. I still love my Snuggie. But Krystal's Mom gave us those.

P.P.S. I will do a review on my Forever Lazy onsies when they come. They better be awesome. $60.00 awesome.

Random Pictures

Here is array of photos I came across that should be shared.

Party pictures:

What our house looks like after a party...

Beer tower for college football at The Wild Wing

What we drank at the firm on my birthday...

And this cute kid of my brother's that likes to yawn a lot...

Yep. Quite certain he is my brother's child.

Inappropriate for People of All Ages

It is difficult to explain a picture like this:

(It is also difficult to explain that pajama choice of mine)

But I will try anyway.

So, Friday night, Krystal and I were watching the first season of The Walking Dead, when at a particularly tense moment we heard a small rustling outside. We were fairly sure it wasn't zombies, but decided to check. My car was being thoroughly molested by balloon penises, giant blow up boobs and a blow up sheep.

The sheep of course had an entrance...

It also bleated upon entry. Totally weird. But it is OK, me and the sheep just hugged after that:

See, we even had a beer together.

So I would like to thank, once again, Michelle, Whitney and Kyle a/k/a Frankie a/k/a Matt Damon a/k/a Watson for dropping by to sexually abuse my vehicle. We now have really awesome living room decorations!!

Why yes, this is a completely normal Friday night for us. Why do you ask?

And I Am Back!

So, my Mammy is gone, it is still sad, but in tradition with our family values, we drank for two days straight and celebrated the life that she lived and the family that she produced. This was of course immediately followed by knock down blow out fights all around and with me sleeping on my aunt and uncle's couch due to over consumption of all of our lovely libations. Good times!!

There was some confusion on when Mammy was to be cremated, myself and everyone, except apparently my mother, thought that she was to be cremated right after the wake on Monday. Flash forward to me walking into the church on Tuesday for the funeral and they have her ass parked right at the door. I mean RIGHT AT THE DOOR. Who the hell just sticks a body at the doorway? It would be a perfect area for the pamphlets, but a body, not so much.

At the wake I successfully avoided having to go up and look at her. I am way OK with dead bodies, just not dead bodies of my family members.

Your family members? Totally...I would even linger a while to see if it looked like they were still breathing and also try and think back to all the Six Feet Under episodes I watched and remember all the really weird things they have to do to get a body ready...but MY family members, just can't.

I am glad no one was looking when I walked into the church though, cause I jumped back a couple feet.

Thankfully all I saw was her hair poof and the tip of her nose. I am sure Mammy got a good laugh out of that one!

So now it's back to reality where we all go without speaking to each other for a few months until we all meet around Thanksgiving or Christmas where we can pick up our drunken debauchery again. Looking forward to it!

In other news, my brother, his wife and my fresh nephew Icky should be moving to the Savannah area in May. I cannot tell you how excited I am about this possibility! Getting to see my first nephew (first anything!) grow up is amazing!

I haven't been out and about for a while. I can feel my body's wear from the month of going back and forth to Macon for births, family reunions and deaths. In a three week period I spent about $180.00 on gas and drove about 1,000 miles.

So lately the most exciting thing I have done is clean the garage and go to bed at 9:30. Don't worry though...I feel certain the need for a righteous party will be right around the corner.

1935 - 2011

This past Friday, somewhat expectantly, my grandmother, Mammy, passed away. I don't really have the words or emotions to explain what a loss this is, so I pass on her obituary, in which I edited last names for a bit of privacy, though, I guess if you REALLY wanted to know, it isn't like obituaries are private or anything...

I love you, Mammy.

Born in Somerville, Massachusetts on Feb. 18, 1935

Departed on Oct. 7, 2011 and resided in Warner Robins, GA.

Mary Ann, 76, entered into rest on Friday, October 7, 2011.

Mary was born on February 18, 1935 in Somerville, Massachusetts. She proudly served her country in the United States Air Force during the Korean War. She was a retired Civil Service employee. Mary was a member of Sacred Heart Catholic Church and proudly reverently served as a Eucharistic Minister. She was a devoted mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and sister. Her daughter, Donna; and parents, Joseph M. and Margaret Delaney, preceded her in death.

Her memory will forever be treasured by her husband of fifty-seven years, William "Bill"; children, Michael (Denise), David (Lisa), and Theresa (Derwin),; grandchildren, Mary, Natalie, Chad, Jessica, Joseph, Jacob, Jason, Jonathan, Dylan, and Brandi; great-grandchildren, Brittni and William; and brother, Donald, Virginia.

A Rosary will be held Monday, October 10, 2011 at 6:00 p.m. with visitation following until 8:00 p.m. at McCullough Funeral Home Chapel. The Funeral Mass will be celebrated at 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday, October 11, 2011, at Sacred Heart Catholic Church. Burial will be private. In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully suggests memorial donations be given to Sacred Heart Catholic Church Building Fund, 250 S. Davis Drive, Warner Robins, GA 31088.

Mammy with William "Icky" just two weeks ago

Hello New Decade!!!

I am quite late on this post, but last Saturday was my 30th year of celebrating the extraction of my not so tiny 8lb 7oz body from my mother's birth canal.

I have been celebrating all month, and celebrated particularly hard on Friday the 23rd. I am sure I have mentioned it before, but my firm is incredibly good to me when it comes to supplying great beer and a good time! We killed about four cases of beer, AT THE FIRM, before deciding we should go and sing some karaoke. Needless to say, the ACTUAL day of my birth was greeted with a medium to hellabig hangover.

My plan for the day was to go watch one of our attorney's, who is in a band, play with his band down at one of the squares. It was not to take place until 4:00pm, which gave me plenty of time to ATTEMPT to work through the night before's transgressions.

In an effort to assist me in this endeavor, I consulted my friend Miller Lite, three of the 16oz variety. He assisted me in the best way he could, but I was still feeling as though I was in serious need of a couch. The band was WONDERFUL though!

Unbeknownst to me, a slurry of friends had gathered, across the street, at my favorite Mexican restaurant, where they surprised me with a magnificent 30th birthday party!! I must say, I do heart my friends so!

I made it till about 12:00am and then my body gave out. Of course, I powered through two gigantic beers at the restaurant, a couple more smaller Dos Equis and who knows how many shots and various other beers when we went to The Bar Bar afterwards.

I have no remembrance of getting home and THAT is how you bring in your 30th year!

Thanks guys! XOXO!!

(please keep in mind that I had no idea we were going out, so I am in NO way dressed appropriately and in addition to that...it started to rain, so we are soaked when we first arrived)

The most magnificent rice krispie mustache and rice krispie cake you have ever seen...the middle layer of the rice krispie cake was Nutella. RIGHT?! GET THE FUCK OUT! How tasty is THAT! Thanks so much Michelle, Whitney and KK!

Krystal was quite pleased with the amount of bling I was required to put on.

Our friend Terri and Kristin

Michelle

Dave, Nelli and Michelle

Larkin and Whitney

LOL! I love that girl...

Mexican birthday requirement...the hat...

...and the tequila shot...

...which I do not care for tequila...

My boss Joe and Larkin

Can one really carry on a serious conversation in a hat like that?

It appears I attempted to...