Say Hey Mamma Hey Mamma!

I have this weird nerve thing with my knee. Ever since my third knee surgery one of my nerves has been out of whack; apparently crossed with another nerve or fused or something.

See the finger on the right?

That is the area I have to scratch to make an itch go away in the location where my finger is at on the left. It really is the strangest sensation. What is even MORE strange is that I actually have no feeling in the area where the finger on the left is, but it still gets that itch feeling.

I know it isn't Random Tuesday, but I didn't have a proper Wordless Wednesday.

Never Thought This Day Would Come

I need a break from beer.

GASP!!!!

I know! Jessica? Is that you?

Yes, it really is me, and I have been diligently working on that keg ALL WEEKEND.

OH! But first, let me tell ya about my birthday! (Pictures will follow at some point this week!)

Thursday, birthday day, Joe (boss man) took me out to eat where I partook in one beer. Apparently that was my limit since we had to work or whatever. Got back to work and new office mate, Linda, had bought me two six packs of beer, so we celebrated with that about 4:00.

The Girl, Krystal, sends over one of our friends, Whitney, who works in an AWESOME chocolate shop/cafe to deliver a box of various goodies, including a red velvet cupcake. OMG. LOVE!

After work, pick up Bobby and Andy at my house, roll out to Wild Wings downtown. Eat, drink, laugh, play! This is where the party started growing.

Players: Bobby (Roommate), Andy (Bobby's cousin), Krystal (The Girl), Chaz (Friend we met through Bobby), Amy (Friend of Debbie), Debbie (Used to work at the law firm), Angela (Attorney at the firm), Dave (Senior Partner at the firm), Wick (MOST senior partner at the firm), Joe (My boss and senior partner at the firm), Steve (Husband of Beverly, also an attorney at ANOTHER firm), Beverly (Senior partner at the firm), Larkin (My whore) and Paul (My whores' whore). As the night went on there was also the addition of at least four more of our friends.

SO, then we headed to The Bar Bar where my friend, Christine, is a bartender. Not only is she the bartender, her boyfriend is the DJ, so he opens up the back room for us, JUST US, for three or so songs. The dance floor was allllll ours. It was SO GREAT!!!

THEN we headed to a bar called The Rail...where they have HELIUM KARAOKE! (Sunshine and Mitzy are ecstatic that we FINALLY went, I can hear thier screams of joy from here!)

So, helium karaoke. Genius. If it hadn't been so damn loud in there it would have been even more hilarious, but I heard myself and myself thought it was terribly funny and have decided that if anyone EVER gets the chance to do karaoke while sucking helium, DO IT. NOW!

After we drank about 15 pitchers of beer we decided to go BACK to The Bar Bar and dance some more. And dance we did. WOW.

I had already put in that I was taking off on Friday, so the entire day was spent recovering. It was pretty rough. There was ALOT of cheap beer and I think it is safe to say that cheap beer gives you the WORST hangover. Well, maybe except for Rumplemintz. That hangover is unspeakable. Friday night was spent watching a little TV and relaxing!

Saturday. Whew...ok, Saturday we had a wedding to go to at 4:00. I had actually forgotten that we were supposed to go to this wedding and on Thursday night had invited a shit ton of people over for the kegger and cookout. SO, we had to un-do all those plans, but I still had to get the keg since the State of Georgia is still in ancient times and does not sell alcohol on Sunday.

We get the keg, go to the wedding (not with the keg though) which was themed University of Georgia, complete with the groom wearing a vest with the mascot Uga all over it. The mullets were sweet, teeth were optional AND there were people tailgating at THE WEDDING. We forgot to bring a camera. BIG mistake.

After the wedding we hurried home and started on the keg. Realizing that it is going to be VERY difficult for 3 people to finish 200 beers by Tuesday, we decided to get recruits. We invited Larkin and Paul over for a unfriendly game of Cranium. We attacked the keg with great force and got through about 70 beers Saturday night.

Sunday produced quite a painful awakening, however, we all pulled through and were able to start that party up again about 6:00pm with hamburgers, hotdogs, potato salad and some rounds of Spades. We had about 10 people over to help with the keg.

This morning, not only was the keg floating, so was my head. I drank from 6:00pm till 12:00am, and at 8:00am I was still feeling it. Waking up slightly intoxicated just isn't fun.

So tonight, I declare it to be non-beer or any kind of alcohol night for Jessica.

OH! You know how I make Christmas lists like here and here and I have been wanting my First-Up Tent w/ air ventilation at the top?!?!

I got my tent for my birthday!!

WHOOP WHOOP! Thanks to Bobby, Christine and Krystal! They always know EXACTLY what I want!

200 12 oz Beers On The Wall...and Floor...

Trying to finish 200 beers in two days...this is taking alot out of me.

We are inviting over everyone we know...

What is with this new rule of kegs having to be back at a certain date? Two days really isn't enough. I think we did about 72 last night.

Only a few more to go...wish us luck!!

Just Letting You Know...

Never fear, I am alive!

It. Was. AWESOME.

Will share soon...right now, I must finish my coffee and go to a wedding. And then tomorrow is a birthday cook out. Then next week I will show you pictures of the Thursday birthday crawl bash!

FUN!!!!!

Wha Wha!! 28 Years!!!

HERE IT IS!!!! It is finally here!!!

Another year down...today I officially start on day one of turning 29. Turning 28 all 365 days of last year was AWESOME!! I shall celebrate in full glory, as always!!

If you need me after work I will be down at Wild Wings and then over to The Bar Bar and then to Pour Larry's. I have taken Friday off work so I will be able to fully concentrate on the pain of the hangover I will most certainly have.

Cheers!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

It Just Never Gets Old

So you might have heard it is flooding in Atlanta...it flooded once in Byron, where I grew up and our house got flooded. It was a crazy experience...my heart goes out to Atlanta folks!

However, I don't think this is ever going to get old: (click for larger image)

Credit goes to Mitzy...she e-mailed me with that gem this morning. (Her parents live in Atlanta...keep them in your thoughts)

HEAR YE, HEAR YE!!

Tee-day is talk like a pirate day, maytees! Thanks to me wench, Debbie, for reminding me head of such a bloody swash-buckle-tastic day!!! XOXO!!

I think I will hang this flag in honor

For Captain Dumbass

For my Homo-Swashbucklers

For my Gangsta Pirates

To read more about this grand day, check out this CNN article.

I Spy With My Big Ass Eye...

Seriously. Another fierce stye has attacked my eye...

I had to go back and look when my last one was...June 30, 2008 is when I wrote about it. Though that stye was much harsher than this one, I still feel like I look like this:

But really, I just look like this:

And for an extra special look up close:

It feels so much bigger than that...weird.

And I swear I don't have a mullet...it kinda looks like one, but I am growing it out. Just two more months and I think I will have enough hair to get a body wave perm thing and get back to looking like this:

Krystal is insisting that I grow it out. When we met it was pretty darn long!

The part I am looking forward to the most is when I get tired of it being long, I am just going to go in and get it cut...shaved off! Back to this look:

It is so fun to let people get used to something and then BAM!! Shock the hell out of em! Good times!

And lastly!! I would like to thank Mel from Mel's Way or No Way who became my 50th follower!! Thanks Mel!!! I am a new reader of Mel, but I think I should also mention that she fosters dogs. As we know, this grants you instant Sainthood in heaven.

Time To Get A New Phone!!

It has been time to get a new phone for a hot minute now.

I am going to be getting the Palm Pre...

...however, I must come up with the $250.00 to do so. In the end it will cost me $150.00 for the phone, as there is a $100.00 mail in rebate.

In addition to my phone being old as dirt, it has now started taking pictures like this:

Since when did my ear morph into an elf ear?

The new way my phone is taking pictures has resulted in highly hilarious pictures like this:

In other news, it is my friend Brian's birthday! I know he comes by on occasion and reads the blog, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRI!!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday!

WHEW! Made It!

Phones are on!

Cable is on!!

Beer is in the fridge!!!

Thank you Pay Day Gods!!!!

A Wench and A Gutterslut: They Shared An Office Once

I need to give a shout out to my former office twat mate, Deb, who left us many moons ago to become a whore housewife. I still am pretty bitter about her leaving miss her very much!

So the other day I was reading this post she put up about her desktop. Go ahead, go read, it is short, sweet and involves Calvin and Hobbes.

Did you go? Back already?

Well, anyway, if you went (and you better have or I am gonna put a foot in your eye) you may have noticed that on the third screen shot down, there is a picture of me on Debbie's desktop.

This is funny for a multitude of reasons.

1. I read the post AND commented on it without even noticing that my face was there.

2. I look damn good on Debbie's desktop.

3. Debbie looks damn good topless on a desk.

4. The above had nothing to do with the first two items.

It just made me laugh that I was too busy reading the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip to notice my own face.

Thanks Debbie for making me laugh!!! I miss you ya WENCH!

P.S. You all have ten more days to purchase something for me for my birthday!

FRIDAY!!! WAHOO!

It is finally Friday...the day Bobby gets paid. The day our cable gets turned back on. The day we eat. The day we drink. A day of bliss.

Tomorrow Krystal and I are going to pick up a new bed. One of her co-workers is getting married and has decided to change out the bedroom suit. He didn't want to split up the bedroom set, but when they had a yard sale the other weekend, the person that bought the set didn't want the bed or box springs. HELLO NEW BED! It's a king too!! We are getting it for a super low price and are able to make payments to him. I cannot wait to go to sleep tomorrow night!

One of the attorneys here commented on my shoes today.

I told her, "Yeah, my grandmother gave them to me...one of her friends died and after the funeral my grandmother raided her closet"

"OH MY GAH! I am wearing dead people shoes!"

Dead people shoes are pretty comfortable, I must say. And they are totally funky. I don't know what kind of chick Grandma's dead friend was, but she had good taste in shoes!

Clarification...

I feel that I should clarify the REASON all our shit is cut off...

It wasn't a surprise, we actually planned it! It was in order to save ample amount of monies for New Orleans...we just weren't aware that in today's economic times that electricity, cable, water and phones companies were so strict about being one month behind!

Back in the day you could be like three months behind and they would send you a little letter saying, "YO! Remember me?!? Yeah, gotta pay me eventually, ok sweetie?!"

And that was that.

These days, it is all like, "WTF! You guys are 28 days late! That is IT! NO MORE PHONE/WATER/POWER/CABLE FOR YOU!"

It was decided that water and power was MUCH more important than phone and cable, so we DID pay those.

Anywho, Bobby get's paid tomorrow! We are thinking, that for the moment, we are going to get the cable turned back on instead of the phones! I can't believe I am saying that! I didn't think I would be able to live without my phone...but let's see...I have been phone free for approximately three weeks now! I honestly have only really NEEDED it twice! Isn't that strange? But I will confess, I totally miss texting!

As for cable - I am disappointed at how much I miss cable. I grew up without a TV my entire life. I didn't even get cable when I first moved out on my own. As a matter of fact, I didn't even get cable until the second year I owned my house and that was only because my friend Brian was moving in, and with his help, I could afford it! I love cable TV! I spent the entire Labor Day weekend watching the "How It's Made" marathon.

I get paid Tuesday...phones will be on, cable will be on, internet will be on, beer will be plentiful...life will be back to "normal".

B.A.B. (Broke Ass Bitch)

Phone is off.

Cable is off.

Internet is off.

No beer.

If you need me, I will be whoring on the corner of Jefferson and Anderson.

Come on payday!!!!!!!!!

(Bobby said we are slowly becoming Amish)

New Orleans - Part III

I FINALLY got together with that whoreface, Larkin, and was able to obtain the pictures she took from New Orleans!

When we first arrived in New Orleans, Larkin wanted to take a picture of the occasion...except she was apparently more concerned about her and Bobby being in the picture than anyone else...

REEEEEE-DOOOOOO

I know I mentioned in my other blog about this band, but again, I must say how AWESOME they were. It inspired Krystal to "learn" the washboard. I am really looking forward to hearing her practice. Not.

Apparently there is a bra's optional clause in New Orleans, because we saw more people that REALLY needed to be wearing a bra than normal. We expect such here when we go to the Waffle House or Wal-Mart, but these people were actually out and about, drinking and partying it up! So, this is a picture of me trying to act like I am posing for a picture so we could get a picture of this lady and her need for a bra...

DAMN! Missed!

Missed AGAIN!

Ah, sorta kinda got it!

I paid this man a dollar to take pictures with his big ass sign

We couldn't help but to be just a little juvenile about the advertisements for "Live Sex Shows"

And yes, we went in. And no, they didn't have any live sex going on...however, they DID want you to sit down immediately and order a drink. Classic bait and switch. Though I am sure later on in the night they probably do have some type of sexual activity on show...there WAS a bed on stage...but whatever.

The misspelled signs in this town were endless...and endlessly hilarious. The gentleman sitting under the sign did not want to be responsible for the misspelling of the sign.

Another hilarious "Smell MY deodorant" picture.

Speaking of live sex shows...

What is Larkin doing to that tiny horse?!?

Those horses were freakin adorable! I really would love to have one!

We saw mother effin BANANA TREES! I was flipping a script...and they were too high up to pick. I guess that is another reason we should get a monkey.

We got to the cemetery too late, so this is the way we got to view it...putting the camera over the wall and snapping photos.

Mama Dawg is the one that set us up on this trip with awesome hook ups on the accomodations and lots and lots of ideas on places to go...so in thanks:

Some downtown New Orleans pictures

Larkin has an incessant need to look all cute in her shoes and shit...and what does that cause?!? Other than cuteness of course...BLISTERS!

Don't worry, I know a thing or six about blisters, I get them horribly everytime I have to break in a new pair of motorcycle boots. The key is Band-aid Advanced Healing Blister Cushions. Except I bought the CVS brand. Let me tell you...NOT as good. Just go with name brand on these things. Anyway, the CVS brand sufficed.

This is about the part that it starts getting a little hairy...

This is a complete stranger who walked up while Bobby was talking to this not very attractive drag queen and trying to push Bobby's head into her crotch. NOT. COOL.

But I still laughed! And we got some good pictures out of it too!

Bobby had glitter on his forehead for a week!

I believe that this is the display window of a hair shop. All of the Ken dolls are gay AND/OR are drag queens. All of them have their hairs did. HILARIOUS.

So we continued walking and we walked by this guy with a very oddly shaped hat on. I felt it was my civic or civil or whatever duty to tell him what I had just witnessed, so I very calmly said, "Excuse me sir, I just wanted to let you know that you have a VERY large Iguana on your head." And of course he thought that was funny, so he let us take pictures.

Then the pole dancing starts.

Do you notice anything weird about this picture?

Yeah, we didn't either, until we looked through these pictures yesterday and realized we got a picture of a fucking VAMPIRE on a BIKE!

A few more awesome acrobatics:

I think it needs to be noted that Bobby is doing this about 6-8 beers in. Pretty amazing!

So we get back to the hotel to change or something. I really don't know what the heck we were doing...wait, it just came to me...Bobby had to poop. The bathrooms in New Orleans are not conducive to public pooping. AND get the tickets for the strip club.

So I decide to lay it on down for a second.

That must be a sign for "hump Jess" because I was immediately humped by a Larkin.

Then Bobby decided that some wind was in order.

I decided that I need new pants...not only are the knees torn out, but I have giant holes in my crotch too. They are comfortable, OK?! I am getting new ones soon, promise!

And the Larkin got completely distracted from humping me by a fan.

Think this is getting to the end of the night...OH, think again! We still have like five more hours of drinking to do!!!!!!!

We take some "creative" shots on the way back

This is our bartender Shawn...he couldn't remember all of our names, so he just called us Savannah. We passed by his bar ALOT, going back and forth from here to there, and everytime we would pass by he would yell, "HEEEEEYYY SAVANNAHHHH!!!" out the door. It was a riot!

So a few hours pass...we go to Larry Flint's Hustler Club. They charged me $8.00 for ONE BEER, so we stayed for once dance and hit the road. We apparently forgot to take pictures for a while because the pictures suddenly go from the above to this:

Yes, I did. I just put a picture of myself peeing on my blog.

Strangely (HA!) I don't remember taking that picture...however, I DO remember doing this:

Yep, that was for Mama Dawg!

We also found keg heaven!

And that was pretty much the end of it...want to know what one looks like after drinking for 11 hours?

The next morning I took some picture of our room and our view from the balcony...beautiful!!!