We have a friend, recently divorced from her husband, who shall remain nameless, who has recently fallen into a new relationship, with a female. We all absolutely LOVE the both of them and wish them well in their new venture. The other half of the equation is a seasoned lesbian.
Being the kind soul I am, I conjured up a Welcome to Lesbianism pamphlet. I thought you should all get a copy. As you can see, it says Jessica's Lesbian Handbook...which means it is MY handbook with MY opinion, so you crazy lesbians don't get your boy shorts all twisted...it is meant to be entertaining. (and sometimes true!)
WELCOME!
This is Jessica’s Lesbian Handbook for the Newly Introduced.
Whether you decide to stay for a while, or venture on, there are a few rules you must know before proceeding into this world of beaver eaters, cherry pickers, dildo divers, finger artists, and vagitarians.
Please take a moment to become familiar with your welcome pamphlet and at the end, please feel free to ask any questions.
I. Media
TV and Movies
Your first order of business is to watch the ENTIRE “The L Word” series. For ease of reference, there are six (6) season of said series. Rules: you must never even consider liking Jenny Schecter. (End of rules)
Second order of business is to catch up on “The REAL L Word”. (Directed by the same chick that did “The L Word”) So far there is just one season, but GOOD LORD Whitney Mixter is FINE. AS. SHIT. The new season is due out at some point in 2011.
You are more than welcome to watch “The Vagina Monologues”, but to be honest, most of us have seen it and can agree that it is pretty weird and doesn’t really have much to do with vaginas and was probably made for those uppity New York people. You know the kind…those ones that sit around after a movie and discuss, in depth, about what the butterfly on the wall in Scene 2, Part ½ symbolized and the rest of us NORMAL lesbian people are like, “I’m hungry and where the fuck is the beer, bitches?”
You will start to notice that you like really not-so-good movies, ones like “Blue Crush”, because they have hot chicks in boy shorts who can straddle the fuck out of a surf board. You will start to say things like, “Damn, I don’t even LIKE surfing, but I think next time I am at the beach I am going to try that shit!” and you don’t even know WHY! (NOTE: same thing will happen during the Winter Olympics during events like Women’s Snowboarding) Also, “straddle the fuck out of a surf board” should be worked into a joke…like, “I sure wish you would straddle my face like you do that surfboard”…eh, needs some work.
Music
Ani DiFranco, The Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, K. D. Lang…
Pish, posh I say!! It is like saying if you are a skater that you just HAVE to listen to Ska (anyone actually remember that musical blip in history…R.I.P. Ska music)
You just stick to what you love. HOWEVER, if it happens to be that you found yourself, before this day, listening to an INORDINATE amount of the above artists, perhaps we should have spoken sooner. This is a dead give away that you were well on your way to the Muff Diving Academy.
II. Types of Lesbians
You must become familiar with all sub-categories of lesbians. To name a few:
Lipstick Lesbian
Femme
Soft Butch
Butch
Dyke
FUCKING HUGE DYKE! (RUN!)
Stud
Boi
The list goes on. I am pretty sure new categories are made up daily. I have even heard sub-categories for the sub-categories. Like Diesel Dyke. I am pretty sure that is the same as FUCKING HUGE DYKE. Just a guess.
SPEAKING of guessing…that brings us to our next category:
III. Picking Out A Lesbian
One would think that this would be easy…but no, really, it can be daunting. Just think about it this way: You are a female, right? (If not, please refer to the TITLE of this brochure, you have picked up the WRONG pamphlet. REPEAT: turn around; you have picked up the WRONG pamphlet) As a female, we expect that we could very swiftly and efficiently pick out another female in the crowd. Surely you have experienced a drag show by now. Of course, some of the performers are very OBVIOUSLY men, but there are a select few in there that make you question whether or not YOU are actually female. It is a confusing world, my child, a confusing world.
So when out in public, use caution. Girls holding hands or even kissing may not ACTUALLY be lesbians. They are often time posers; drunken college girls trying to get free drinks. (Totally works too; ask me about it someday. The story doesn’t belong in this informational pamphlet. I think the title of THAT pamphlet is “How to Survive College: LesbianSlutPirating Techniques”) No, picking out a lesbian in the crowd takes time and practice. Some make it easy with the short and spiky haircuts, or even the new trend of just shaving one side of the head:
I mean, sure, she is cute, like an innocent kitten, even with those crazy, weird ass tattoos on her knee caps and that strange, longing stare with that half bit lip, she appears to be saying, “I want to finger bang you right NOW”, but in my experience, you must approach these lesbians with an abundance of caution. She has shaved one side of her head for chrissake! It reeks of complicated. This might be something you will have to figure out on your own, but I have done what I can do for you at this moment: provide a photo and some commentary so you know what to look out for. Also of note, these lesbians are mostly found in the Seattle area.
What were we talking about? Oh, yes, picking out a lesbian. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is a little less so. Those lipstick lesbians make it TOUGH.
You see this succulent piece of one of God’s finest creatures:
Yeah, never knew. I was totally flabbergasted, which was then followed by sheer jealousy. Of Ellen.
ELLEN! I forgot to mention her! She should also be referred to as Queen. This will give to a nice segue to our next topic:
IV. Lesbian Stereotypes
This category could go on for days. You can look at most lesbians in the celebrity world and pin point the types of lesbians you will come across in your day to day life. You have the Rosie O’Donnells, you have the Ellens, you have the Sara Gilberts, the Phyllis Lyon, and (her partner) Del Martins and the Jackie Warners. I understand that you might have to look some of these people up, but I will give you a brief synopsis of each which portrays a common TYPE of lesbian you may come into contact with:
The Rosie O’ Donnell: Overbearing caused by deep insecurities that are not readily brought to light. Very opinionated about topics that do not merit such over opinionated opinions. This is caused by the need to be heard. Often a symptom of some type of trauma in early life. Usually harmless, easy enough to get along with, but can get exhausting over time.
The Ellen DeGeneres: Friendly, blends in with everyone, always has an interesting story, seems to always land on their feet no matter what the situation, tends to keep from being opinionated about things, except when it comes to thoughts on how people should be treated. These types of lesbians have a strong connection to animals, which can lead the them having crazy eating habits which include, but are not limited to: vegan, vegetarian, various types of organic eating and free range this and that.
The Sara Gilbert: Typical quiet type. Has long term relationships that includes collecting multiple children. Enjoy the simple life, has known about lesbianism for a long time and never had any issues with coming to grips with it. Has very interesting things to say about life, but is mostly a listener. Good friend to have.
The Phyllis Lyon
and
Del Martin: Oldest freakin lesbians alive! They are trendsetters. Amazing individuals that have been through the worst of the worst and have still stayed together. Iconic! Have so much real life advice (that doesn't include eating a gluten free diet) that it just blows your mind of all the truly astounding things they have accomplished. Revered lesbians.
The Jackie Warner: Crazy, insane workout all the time type. The bedroom has a rotating door on it. Has crazy mommy and/or daddy issues which cause sudden outbursts of unwarranted hatred towards anyone in the way. Unstable in every since of the word. Stay away from these types.
V. Politics
You will find that many lesbians are of the liberal point of view. On occasion you will find a true blend of liberal and conservative. These are the most interesting type as they have a truly broad view of the world. They are few and far between. Many in the lesbian world lean left. A vast majority of these left wingers have no idea why they lean that way, they just know that the right lean mingles you with crazy religious freaks, so it is MUCH easier to jump to the left than learn about all the complications of being right wing. Or a blend of the two.
When dealing with politics and lesbianism it is important to have already discovered how you feel about certain topics WITHOUT including your sexuality.
This is a touchy subject, so let’s move on.
This topic could take YEARS to discuss and analyze. You have your main group LGBT and another group called PFLAG. I would say these are the two top groups you would need to know. You can see that the queers really love their acronyms. You will also find that many get tripped up on trying to remember the order of the letters in LGBT. Oh, LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. PFLAG is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I am not sure why the bisexual and transgendered got left out of that one, but I am sure there will be an amendment soon.
You will find, often times, that there is conflict between the letters (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) The lesbians don’t understand the gays, the gays like to touch the lesbian’s boobs, the bisexuals are a mystery species in the lesbian and gay world and the transgendered give a whole new light to “I am so fucking confused right now”. No, the transgendered group isn’t saying that, the LGB letters are saying that. It is common thought that all letters of the group would naturally just understand each other. It isn’t the case. What IS awesome is that any letter of the group is USUALLY very understanding and doesn’t make you feel like a complete ass when you ask very detailed questions. Most get that “Knowledge is Power”. The ones that don’t, punch them in the throat just like you would any other ignorant bastard. (Just kidding. Sort of.)
VII. Sports
You are not required to like sports such as rugby, lacrosse and soccer, but you will find some of the most eloquently designed bodies in the creation of all lesbian bodies at those sporting events. As a lesbian, you are not necessarily REQUIRED to like sports, but it WILL be expected that you do, so you might as well give in to picking a sport.
Playing pool. You just HAVE to do it. It is in some ancient lesbian pamphlet somewhere. No one knows why, but playing pool is a necessary lesbian activity.
CONCLUSION
I appreciate that you have taken time to get to know the basics of lesbianism. Notice we didn’t even get into the sex thing, cause let’s face it, no matter what your sexual preference is, no amount of words in a pamphlet are going to get you “there”. This is something you have naturally, learn along the way, or just stay bad at. Let’s hope you are naturally spectacular or at least have the willingness to learn along the way. Don’t be shy; ask your female friends, if they are good friends they won’t mind hashing out the specifics. Oh, and ask a lesbian friend about U-Hauling, it is hilariously and scarily true.
