Itinerary

So there is a lot going on this Summer!

Tomorrow we leave for Miami. At 4:00am. As you know, I usually COME HOME at 4:00am. I will be taking a Benadryl as soon as I get home from work. Gotta get some sleep. Why Miami you ask?

Well, it initially started out as three of us going to the U2 concert. This is their 360 tour. After a few friends found out we were going to Miami, the list of people has grown to seven. We are about to rock Miami! I am very much looking forward to the concert and my only goals are not to die and/or get alcohol poisoning.

Because of the addition of some peeps, we got a free place to stay out of the deal. Our friend Whitney's parents live about 15 minutes from the location of the concert and all things fun!

We shall return on Friday in order to get some rest and celebrate the independence of the United States.

Next weekend we shall be having our housewarming party, which has been aptly named Nuevo de Julio 80's Mexican Beerlympics Party. For those of you not caught up on your Espanol...that is July 9th 80's Mexican party with Beer Olympics. Take that in. A Mexican 80's themed party! BEERLYMPICS! COULD THIS GET ANY BETTER?!? OH, it can...we will have a pool, a keg, corn hole...this is corn hole in case you didn't know:

The corn hole boards were hand made by my very own Krystal! They are looking beautiful!

Rumor is that there will be opening and closing ceremonies and a plethora of other drinking games including beer pong (which we own a table for, of course) Beersby (beer Frisbee game) and so much more!

If you are in the neighborhood, holla! It is going to be amazing!!!

XOXO!

Housewarming Gifts

We pretty much have everything we need to maintain in the house...but one thing we don't have is a welcome mat. These have been brought to my attention:

Now for tough decision making.

And to end this post, a picture of my friend Whitney at the beach this past weekend. She swears she only had 3 beers. Seeing as how I see TWO right there, I am pretty sure this was beer number 6.

PICTURES!

FINE FINE FINE! You have forced me to take pictures with my camera phone. I still can't find the actual camera. I am going to take video soon so you can get the full effect of the colors and how they DO NOT BLEND AT ALL.

This is part of the back yard...there are lots of bald spots in the yard due to the fact that the previous owners were burning things in the yard. Not sure what that was about. Getting grass to grow is a project long in the future.

This is Kitter acting like she wants to come outside. She isn't an outside kitty. As a matter of fact, when I opened the sliding glass door, she stuck her head out and quickly decided it was too hot.

This is our kitchen. It is orange during the day, red during the night. Most people that come over say they like it. We do not feel the same, sorry. It HAS to go. The counter tops also need to be replaced and the cabinets need to be repainted. Other than that it has a new stove, new dishwasher (GO ME!) and a pretty decent fridge. All the shit piled up is stuff we haven't found a home for yet. It is a process.

Here is one view of the living room. My couches fit wonderfully in this room! This view is looking into the kitchen. Note that the kitchen was red, with a blue accent wall and the living room is yellowish, with a DIFFERENT blue accent wall.

Another view of the living room.

View from the couch

Ferret room/litter box room/play area for ferrets

Bright ass blue guest bathroom. The linoleum flooring in both of the bathrooms are like this. Horrible. Both bathrooms will be tiled and have new vanities soon. OH and new paint jobs.

View down the hall from the ferret room...the glowing green room. I know, the colors are killing you, aren't they?!?

The green room aka guest bedroom

Living room from the hallway

View from living room into the kitchen/back yard

Laundry room

Master bedroom

My ultimate goal here is to show you how the house looks in complete disarray, so that when you see the final result it will be even MORE dramatic! I didn't even bother to put away my laundry or make the bed.

I also didn't take a picture of the master bath, walk in closet and garage. I will remedy that soon!

Parenting 101

I was having a conversation with one of the attorneys at work about his mother in law finding pot and bongs in her 19 year old's (his brother in law) room and she called said attorney's wife (which would be the sister of the 19 year old) to see if she (the mom) should be worried. Among other things she was worried that he was a drug dealer and possibly smoking black tar heroine. This is only funny because the "black tar ball" she found, was the cashed weed that would have previously been in the bowl, but had fallen out somehow. The story made me giggle and then reminded me of my own story.

When I was about 17 my mom found some papers, the rolling kind, on our front porch. She accused me of having dropped them. I couldn't make the proper argument...which was, "Mom, I KNOW those aren't mine because I don't smoke weed in rolling papers, I use cigar wraps. I am gangsta! I only smoke blunts, yo." But of course, that wouldn't have really helped the situation.

Many years later I asked one of my brothers about it, who were 8 and 6 at the time, and they confirmed that our next door neighbor, who was also around 6 at the time, had found them in his MUCH older brother's room and had showed it to them. None of them knew what it was for, just knew it was adult stuff, and therefore threw it down and went on about their business of being 8 and 6 year olds.

Since I was reminded of this event, which happened 13 years ago, I decided to e-mail my mother to exonerate myself. She said she was sorry. And also sorry for accusing me of having those birth control pills that one time (which, I HONESTLY do not remember). She said that the birth control pills were actually hers, but she had forgotten that she got them and then a few days later, AFTER getting on to me, she remembered that they were hers, but didn't want to eat crow, so she never said she was sorry. LOL! That is SO my mother.

She also shared this story, which had me CRACKING UP!

"Did I tell you about the pill I found in the truck when the boys were in high school? I was so upset, I didn't know what to do...so I carried it around trying to figure out what it was . I went to CVS to see if the pharmacist could identify it so when I presented my case to the boys I wasn't entirely ignorant. The pharmacist studied it and said she had no clue, gave it back to me. I put it in my pocket. Later when I got home, I took it out and for whatever reason I smelled it. As I raised the pill to my nose it hit my lip. It was a mint. LMBO. Dumb pharmacist."

Good luck to all you parents out there...I know it has to be tough!!

Grand (Cayman) Friday!!

Remember when I told you should should sign up for this?

And you didn't!

And you know what!

I won, bitches! That's right.

Peep my prizes!

Anywho...hope you guys have a wonderful weekend! I am going to the beach and working some more on the house!

(and finding a camera so I can take pictures for you needy people...you know who you are!

You Should Sign Up!

Sunshine is doing a giveaway! It is called: Picture Perfect Giveaway!

Of course I want to win this fabulous prize(s), but won't hate on ya if you do! Head on over to her spot to sign up! Free stuff is always awesome...but even MORE awesome when it comes from the beautiful Cayman Islands!

AH-CHOO!

I woke up Saturday morning to razor blades in my throat...then I proceeded to cough all day long...followed by my ears getting clogged up, sneezing, chest congestion and general blah.

WTF I said to myself!

My allergy season is in the Fall and a little bit of one in the Spring. Fall is the worst because of the Ragweed down here. But, Summer allergies?

Then, I figured it out.

Since moving to Savannah, I have lived downtown, where the yards are small, nary a patch of grass to be seen, mostly concrete. We now live in a neighborhood where everyone has their half acre of lawn, which they mow every weekend. I sit outside every weekend. The grass is pollinating this month. CHA-CHING.

Mystery solved...but really, all I want is for my face to drain and my chest to unclog.

I miss my beer. I can't taste it, so I haven't been drinking it. Sad.

Karaoke Song Meme

I was tagged by Kat to do this here Karaoke Song MeMe.

If you know me at all you know I absolutely hate karaoke. HA! NOT! I don't know how I could live without the stuff! I even had our firm HIRE a karaoke person to come to our St. Patrick's Day party! I was VERY insistent, even though I really didn't have to be, cause our firm loves them some karaoke!

Kat also informed me that I was NOT allowed to pick Shoop by Salt N Pepa. Well, blasphemy I say! That is MY JAM!

Other than Shoop, I also sing a bit of Creep by Radiohead with Bobby at times...and also we party on with a bit of Pussy Cat Dolls too.

But if I HAD to pick one, and it wasn't Shoop (GAH!), then I would go for this:

Mostly because it is fast and catchy. And fun to sing! Plus, anytime I get a chance to show my country roots, I do. Even though I don't even particularly care for country music. Weird.

Promise There Will Be More!

Since I have received threats of death (MAW and Deb) and various other requests not relating to violence, I must post some pictures of the house.

As soon as I find my camera, I promise to post more pictures. The cell phone camera just isn't cutting it on the inside shots.

This is the house:

And this is the neighborhood if you look right after walking out the front door:

I know that isn't much, but I still haven't found the box that contains cameras and other recording devices.

We should be able to tackle some stuff this weekend!

My New Occupations

I am now a plumber, electrician and professional toilet paper holder hanger, which I am going to file under carpenter.

My plumbing career started when we noticed that the toilet in the guest bathroom had a slow drip under the tank part. Upon taking off the lid of the tank I noticed there are two bolts at the bottom that go through the bottom of the tank and attach to the back of the toilet.

Please see screws here:

So I say to myself, "Plumber Jess, I bet those little fucking screws that have a seal around them are leaking". Plumber Jess, being new to the game, figured what the hell...if they aren't the culprit, at least you can say you took apart a toilet once!

Except I couldn't get the fucktard of a toilet apart. Oh yeah, the screws came out JUST FINE...but I could NOT get the water supply connection undone. Also, upon removing the screws, the remaining cup of water that was left in the toilet spilled out everywhere.

Now you say, "Plumber Jess, why didn't you have a bucket or something?" And I will tell you, I DID! But the damn thing wouldn't fit back there and because we haven't washed dishes since we moved in (that story is later) I didn't have any small bowls to stick under there. The way I see it, the toilet water gave me a head start on cleaning the guest bathroom floor.

So I head to the Home Depot (where I may be known by name now) and picked up these:

I didn't need that black circle thing, but I did need those screws. I had Mr. Home Depot Man help me out. He was most awesome and took me right to the proper section, which was not in plumbing where I would have personally put these items.

I was confirming the order of things that go on the screw which goes: hold up screw, place shiny thing on, put black rubber thing on, place in hole down in tank, thread next rubber thing, shiny thing and then bolt. He laughed. Apparently it is called a WASHER and not a shiny thing. Technicality.

As I mentioned before, I couldn't get the toilet tank off. So threading these things with about an inch of space was REALLY difficult. See where this man, with really bad hair, hand is...

That was all the room I had to work with while threading on a WASHER, a GASKET and a BOLT. See, I learn. But I still think shiny thing, black thing and turning thing makes much more sense.

I wasn't able to lean down next to the toilet though. I was straddling that toilet so hard, reverse cowgirl, that even I had an inkling to set up a video camera to make my very own sex tape. But what would Reese Witherspoon say?

Needless to say, I got that fucker working. And please, never, ever put that blue shit in your toilet. When it leaks out it stains. When your fingers are trying to thread shiny, black and turning things it stains THEM blue. I am half Smurf today.

I also got all the toilet paper holders up (for whatever reason those were taken when the house was vacated). Never done that before, but with the help of my new drill

(yes, I bought it in green and with it's own purse to carry it in. And extra drill bits for wood and aluminum things)

I got those put up in no time.

Then I had to tackle the dishwasher.

Of note, when one purchases a Whirlpool DU1055XTVQ, please note that unless you order it FROM the warehouse, then it will NOT come with in installation kit. This kit is pretty much pointless, except that ONE, TINY little part that they tell you about on page 15 of the instructions. Yes, it is the adapter from the dishwasher for the drain hose. Important part. ONLY made by Whirlpool. No generic part for it anywhere. It only costs $6.00, but you have to have a dishwasher sitting in your kitchen for three days until the part arrives. Hence why I did not have a bowl to use for toilet tank water.

It is also of note that pages 1-14 are explaining, in great detail, how to remove old dishwasher to prepare for new dishwasher, so by the time you get to page 15, and are unable to move forward in installation, old dishwasher is torn the hell up from unscrewing 50.2 screws, un-wiring the sonofabitch and draining in the backyard. That just leaves you (or me) vacuuming in the blank hole where the old dishwasher used to be. I would eat off of that concrete. Now, THANKFULLY, I have a new dishwasher sitting in that pristinely cleaned spot.

I am just thrilled that I didn't flood the house and/or electrocute myself. Or blow up the dishwasher. So far, all I can tell is that the fill line is leaking a bit at the under sink connection. All I need is some Teflon tape (which I have!!!) and that should "seal the deal". Oh look at me...making plumber jokes.

Good lord.

Ninja, For Sure!

If ever you wonder what you might should get me for Random Gift for Jess Day...look no further:

What Happened Bandages

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend!

And CUT!

We did it! Finally! We own a house! A house of our very own! Good thing too, cause I have already spilled beer on the carpet.

Getting this house aged me a decade and also produced one anxiety attack...but hey, it was totally worth it!

We got up bright and early on Friday morning to pick up the U-Haul. Said U-Haul was about the size of a semi truck. I can't say that judging size of moving trucks verses how much crap we actually own is my strong point! However, I WILL say that it took one and a half trips...so all in all, renting too big was actually an OK thing. OH and the half trip is cause we only filled half the truck with random shit that we had planned to take in a car loads.

Of note, we were asked by no less than five homeless people if they could help load the truck in exchange for money or if we could leave the stuff we weren't taking on the sidewalk so they could go through it to see if they wanted something and my absolute favorite was when me and Larkin had our hands full of shit...and I mean loaded down...the kind of loaded down where you are using your chin to pin down the stuff in your arms, fingers are burning and hoping it doesn't all crash to the ground before you scuffle over the the truck...a lady who was walking by stopped us and said, "Scu meh, does you gots fidy cent?"

I gave her the death stare of all death stares. The one that clearly says WHAT THE FUCK?! REALLY?!?. She walked away. Larkin later commented, "Sure lady! Let me just drop this and go inside and get my purse for you!" I will NOT miss that part of living downtown.

We packed until about 2:00pm when we finally got the call from my office that the paperwork was ready to be signed. What a wonderful call! Especially since we had a truck load of stuff that we needed to put somewhere!

We got to the new abode and it was approximately 1,026,987 degrees in the house. Turns out that whole air conditioning thing they were supposed to fix...didn't get fixed. OH and I should mention 87 degrees on Friday, 90 degrees on Saturday, 89 degrees on Sunday and 89 degrees on Monday. YES, OF COURSE the air conditioning wasn't working on the hottest days thus far in the month! AND OF COURSE it was Memorial Day weekend, so the air conditioning didn't get fixed until Tuesday. I must say here that I LOVE YOU JOHN THE AIR CONDITIONING GUY! I would have TOTALLY given you my first born that day...if I had a first born.

Also, the refrigerator wasn't working properly. The fridge part was barely cool and the freezer was acting like the fridge part. Not only was it the temperature of hell inside the house, I had no cool spot to stick my head! The fridge got fixed yesterday. Complete with a therapy session for the man that fixed our fridge. Apparently his cat just died and his wife left him. Yes, I too thought he was going to break out into a country song, but no, he just wanted to let off some of his woes. This happens to me often. I carefully pick out my t-shirts I wear and I promise NONE of them says, "Hi, complete stranger! Come share your problems with ME!" Eh, it is all good...if he needed someone and I was there, then I suppose it was just meant to be. Plus, he fixed the fridge!! COLD BEER! Oh, and food.

After unpacking and cleaning up the rental house all day on Saturday a crew of us, Larkin, Paul, Bobby, Michelle, Me and Krystal went to see KATHY GRIFFIN! She came to Savannah!! SO EXCITING! I understand that Kathy is an acquired taste for some, but she tastes JUST RIGHT for me! I have been a fan of hers for a long time. It was a nice break from all the hustle! Also of note, we saw Paula Deen (hisssss) and Ruby there as well. Paula came up on stage at the beginning of the show and Ruby was just at the show and was leaving when we spotted her not-so-gigantic-anymore self! I was THIIIISSSS close to Ruby, about to pose for a picture, when her manager whisked her away. Damn it. So basically, all of our Savannah celebrities were in one place. Oh, if only the tourists could have seen!

Sunday and Monday were spent TRYING to unpack, but it was so damn hot in the house you could only get one thing done before having to GO OUTSIDE to cool off.

Things are starting to get done now that the air is working! We have the washer and dryer in, I installed the front door lock (with my new drill), fixed the disposal and bought a new dishwasher. I am LESBIAN!! RAWR! I plan on installing that bad boy too. Yeah, never installed a dishwasher before. Never even seen anyone do it. It is called and ADVENTURE IN LESBIAN LAND! If I fail I can always take HH Gregg up on that installation offer they tried to get me to buy for $120.00.

I will get pictures up soon! No one wants to see a house all in disarray, so you are going to have to wait until we get it to some sort of normal. Also, the Mexican themed paint colors will be staying up until we have our Mexican themed house warming party! Bring your sombrero and amigos!