Pamphlet for the Recently Discarded Penis

Trooper Thorn, in his infinite wisdom, has suggested a pamphlet along the lines of “So Your Girlfriend Left You for Another Girl?” Even though I have personal experience with this (Sorry Chris!) I can’t really speak for the guy’s point of view. I get an occasional e-mail from the ex, but it is mostly just general chit-chat about what is going on. So this pamphlet is mostly written to my ex.

Jessica’s Pamphlet for the Recently Discarded Penis, Dumped for the VaJayJay

Well, Buddy, I am sorry, but there were a few dead giveaways that things were heading down this path:

1) When asked to pick out porn for the two of you to watch, there sure were a lot of women, and the were quite hot, plentiful and had plenty of girl on girl action.

2) You were “forced” to watch “The L Word”,

3)“Gia”,

and

4) She REALLY took interest in that part on “Wild Things” when Neve Campbell and Denise Richards started doing the damn thing in the pool.

Oh. My. Goodness. Can I get an AMEN!

But back to you. You are probably saying to yourself the following:

“Well, how can I compete with that?”

“I guess I just couldn't satisfy her with my amazing piece of equipment”

“I always thought this attraction she had for women would benefit us on day in the bedroom”

Let me clarify a few things for you:

This isn't a competition; it never has been. In YOUR mind you think this is a battle of the sexual organs, but alas, it is a MUCH bigger organ that is causing this conflict. The brain. It might be difficult for you to accept that it really, truly, honestly has nothing to do with rejecting your dick, or any dick for that matter. And while we are talking about it, your dick is very nice and stuff and that helicopter thing you do with it is totally hilarious. Not really. Well, it was the first 25 times. Using it to hang your shower towel on was pretty amazing.

I guess that brings us to your amazing piece of equipment. You are very proud of it, and you SHOULD be. You only get one. Hell, even we get two boobs. Anyboob, errr, anywho, you were quite satisfactory in all of your sexual endeavors. It isn't that she CAN’T be satisfied by the penis, it can totally happen, but the COMPLETE satisfaction isn't there. How can I clarify this for you…OH, got it: How about watching the football game, beer in one hand, a remote in the other and a fine young lady giving you a blow job. COMPLETE SATISFACTION, right?!?!

So you always thought it would be a beneficial thing in the bedroom? Yes, many men are confused about this. I am not sure if is the definition of lesbian that is confusing or if it is the part where I LIKE WOMEN that throws men off, but SHIT, how hard is it to understand?

Ah, you men and your silliness. Wanna know what it is like? Wanna know what you would be seeing?

YES, it REALLY is that steaming HOT! It is amazing! That shit you were “forced” to watch in “The L Word?” Yep, pretty much just like that. Awesome, right!?

Hang in there, buddy. You are no less of a man because of this. You, sir, are BETTER because of this. BUT HEY! You two now have something in common…I can almost guarantee, at this VERY moment, she is thinking about how freakin HOT Julie Stiles was in last season of Dexter.

Your Complimentary Lesbian Pamphlet

We have a friend, recently divorced from her husband, who shall remain nameless, who has recently fallen into a new relationship, with a female. We all absolutely LOVE the both of them and wish them well in their new venture. The other half of the equation is a seasoned lesbian.

Being the kind soul I am, I conjured up a Welcome to Lesbianism pamphlet. I thought you should all get a copy. As you can see, it says Jessica's Lesbian Handbook...which means it is MY handbook with MY opinion, so you crazy lesbians don't get your boy shorts all twisted...it is meant to be entertaining. (and sometimes true!)

WELCOME!

This is Jessica’s Lesbian Handbook for the Newly Introduced.

Whether you decide to stay for a while, or venture on, there are a few rules you must know before proceeding into this world of beaver eaters, cherry pickers, dildo divers, finger artists, and vagitarians.

Please take a moment to become familiar with your welcome pamphlet and at the end, please feel free to ask any questions.

I. Media

TV and Movies

Your first order of business is to watch the ENTIRE “The L Word” series. For ease of reference, there are six (6) season of said series. Rules: you must never even consider liking Jenny Schecter. (End of rules)

Second order of business is to catch up on “The REAL L Word”. (Directed by the same chick that did “The L Word”) So far there is just one season, but GOOD LORD Whitney Mixter is FINE. AS. SHIT. The new season is due out at some point in 2011.

You are more than welcome to watch “The Vagina Monologues”, but to be honest, most of us have seen it and can agree that it is pretty weird and doesn’t really have much to do with vaginas and was probably made for those uppity New York people. You know the kind…those ones that sit around after a movie and discuss, in depth, about what the butterfly on the wall in Scene 2, Part ½ symbolized and the rest of us NORMAL lesbian people are like, “I’m hungry and where the fuck is the beer, bitches?”

You will start to notice that you like really not-so-good movies, ones like “Blue Crush”, because they have hot chicks in boy shorts who can straddle the fuck out of a surf board. You will start to say things like, “Damn, I don’t even LIKE surfing, but I think next time I am at the beach I am going to try that shit!” and you don’t even know WHY! (NOTE: same thing will happen during the Winter Olympics during events like Women’s Snowboarding) Also, “straddle the fuck out of a surf board” should be worked into a joke…like, “I sure wish you would straddle my face like you do that surfboard”…eh, needs some work.

Music

Ani DiFranco, The Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, K. D. Lang…

Pish, posh I say!! It is like saying if you are a skater that you just HAVE to listen to Ska (anyone actually remember that musical blip in history…R.I.P. Ska music)

You just stick to what you love. HOWEVER, if it happens to be that you found yourself, before this day, listening to an INORDINATE amount of the above artists, perhaps we should have spoken sooner. This is a dead give away that you were well on your way to the Muff Diving Academy.

II. Types of Lesbians

You must become familiar with all sub-categories of lesbians. To name a few:

Lipstick Lesbian

Femme

Soft Butch

Butch

Dyke

FUCKING HUGE DYKE! (RUN!)

Stud

Boi

The list goes on. I am pretty sure new categories are made up daily. I have even heard sub-categories for the sub-categories. Like Diesel Dyke. I am pretty sure that is the same as FUCKING HUGE DYKE. Just a guess.

SPEAKING of guessing…that brings us to our next category:

III. Picking Out A Lesbian

One would think that this would be easy…but no, really, it can be daunting. Just think about it this way: You are a female, right? (If not, please refer to the TITLE of this brochure, you have picked up the WRONG pamphlet. REPEAT: turn around; you have picked up the WRONG pamphlet) As a female, we expect that we could very swiftly and efficiently pick out another female in the crowd. Surely you have experienced a drag show by now. Of course, some of the performers are very OBVIOUSLY men, but there are a select few in there that make you question whether or not YOU are actually female. It is a confusing world, my child, a confusing world.

So when out in public, use caution. Girls holding hands or even kissing may not ACTUALLY be lesbians. They are often time posers; drunken college girls trying to get free drinks. (Totally works too; ask me about it someday. The story doesn’t belong in this informational pamphlet. I think the title of THAT pamphlet is “How to Survive College: LesbianSlutPirating Techniques”) No, picking out a lesbian in the crowd takes time and practice. Some make it easy with the short and spiky haircuts, or even the new trend of just shaving one side of the head:

(From You Are Nothing Without Her)

I mean, sure, she is cute, like an innocent kitten, even with those crazy, weird ass tattoos on her knee caps and that strange, longing stare with that half bit lip, she appears to be saying, “I want to finger bang you right NOW”, but in my experience, you must approach these lesbians with an abundance of caution. She has shaved one side of her head for chrissake! It reeks of complicated. This might be something you will have to figure out on your own, but I have done what I can do for you at this moment: provide a photo and some commentary so you know what to look out for. Also of note, these lesbians are mostly found in the Seattle area.

What were we talking about? Oh, yes, picking out a lesbian. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is a little less so. Those lipstick lesbians make it TOUGH.

You see this succulent piece of one of God’s finest creatures:

Yeah, never knew. I was totally flabbergasted, which was then followed by sheer jealousy. Of Ellen.

ELLEN! I forgot to mention her! She should also be referred to as Queen. This will give to a nice segue to our next topic:

IV. Lesbian Stereotypes

This category could go on for days. You can look at most lesbians in the celebrity world and pin point the types of lesbians you will come across in your day to day life. You have the Rosie O’Donnells, you have the Ellens, you have the Sara Gilberts, the Phyllis Lyon, and (her partner) Del Martins and the Jackie Warners. I understand that you might have to look some of these people up, but I will give you a brief synopsis of each which portrays a common TYPE of lesbian you may come into contact with:

The Rosie O’ Donnell: Overbearing caused by deep insecurities that are not readily brought to light. Very opinionated about topics that do not merit such over opinionated opinions. This is caused by the need to be heard. Often a symptom of some type of trauma in early life. Usually harmless, easy enough to get along with, but can get exhausting over time.

The Ellen DeGeneres: Friendly, blends in with everyone, always has an interesting story, seems to always land on their feet no matter what the situation, tends to keep from being opinionated about things, except when it comes to thoughts on how people should be treated. These types of lesbians have a strong connection to animals, which can lead the them having crazy eating habits which include, but are not limited to: vegan, vegetarian, various types of organic eating and free range this and that.

The Sara Gilbert: Typical quiet type. Has long term relationships that includes collecting multiple children. Enjoy the simple life, has known about lesbianism for a long time and never had any issues with coming to grips with it. Has very interesting things to say about life, but is mostly a listener. Good friend to have.

The Phyllis Lyon

and

Del Martin: Oldest freakin lesbians alive! They are trendsetters. Amazing individuals that have been through the worst of the worst and have still stayed together. Iconic! Have so much real life advice (that doesn't include eating a gluten free diet) that it just blows your mind of all the truly astounding things they have accomplished. Revered lesbians.

The Jackie Warner: Crazy, insane workout all the time type. The bedroom has a rotating door on it. Has crazy mommy and/or daddy issues which cause sudden outbursts of unwarranted hatred towards anyone in the way. Unstable in every since of the word. Stay away from these types.

V. Politics

You will find that many lesbians are of the liberal point of view. On occasion you will find a true blend of liberal and conservative. These are the most interesting type as they have a truly broad view of the world. They are few and far between. Many in the lesbian world lean left. A vast majority of these left wingers have no idea why they lean that way, they just know that the right lean mingles you with crazy religious freaks, so it is MUCH easier to jump to the left than learn about all the complications of being right wing. Or a blend of the two.

When dealing with politics and lesbianism it is important to have already discovered how you feel about certain topics WITHOUT including your sexuality.

This is a touchy subject, so let’s move on.

VI. The Community

This topic could take YEARS to discuss and analyze. You have your main group LGBT and another group called PFLAG. I would say these are the two top groups you would need to know. You can see that the queers really love their acronyms. You will also find that many get tripped up on trying to remember the order of the letters in LGBT. Oh, LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. PFLAG is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I am not sure why the bisexual and transgendered got left out of that one, but I am sure there will be an amendment soon.

You will find, often times, that there is conflict between the letters (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) The lesbians don’t understand the gays, the gays like to touch the lesbian’s boobs, the bisexuals are a mystery species in the lesbian and gay world and the transgendered give a whole new light to “I am so fucking confused right now”. No, the transgendered group isn’t saying that, the LGB letters are saying that. It is common thought that all letters of the group would naturally just understand each other. It isn’t the case. What IS awesome is that any letter of the group is USUALLY very understanding and doesn’t make you feel like a complete ass when you ask very detailed questions. Most get that “Knowledge is Power”. The ones that don’t, punch them in the throat just like you would any other ignorant bastard. (Just kidding. Sort of.)

VII. Sports

You are not required to like sports such as rugby, lacrosse and soccer, but you will find some of the most eloquently designed bodies in the creation of all lesbian bodies at those sporting events. As a lesbian, you are not necessarily REQUIRED to like sports, but it WILL be expected that you do, so you might as well give in to picking a sport.

Playing pool. You just HAVE to do it. It is in some ancient lesbian pamphlet somewhere. No one knows why, but playing pool is a necessary lesbian activity.

CONCLUSION

I appreciate that you have taken time to get to know the basics of lesbianism. Notice we didn’t even get into the sex thing, cause let’s face it, no matter what your sexual preference is, no amount of words in a pamphlet are going to get you “there”. This is something you have naturally, learn along the way, or just stay bad at. Let’s hope you are naturally spectacular or at least have the willingness to learn along the way. Don’t be shy; ask your female friends, if they are good friends they won’t mind hashing out the specifics. Oh, and ask a lesbian friend about U-Hauling, it is hilariously and scarily true.

42 Days and Counting

We have 42 days to get out of our current residence. Still waiting on figuring out funding. Stressful doesn't really begin to describe it! :)

I am not quite sure if asking for God to PLEASE let this house work out for us is a proper prayer, so mainly it has been going like this:

"God, it's me...you know what I am about to ask, so I am going to not necessarily ask that you help us out here cause that is like asking if you will please give us a million dollars, but then again, why do you ask us to pray if it isn't for things that we need...I mean, your dudes up in the pulpit say that we should ask for patience and the ability to handle things that come in life, but really, I just would like to have a place of our own, to call our own and to start making a life together and if I die of anxiety before then, that kinda ruins everything.

And so I would just like to ask you if you could possibly make me go to sleep for 42 days and when I wake up we will have a house of our own. And, as you can see and have known for some time, I don't deal well with disappointment, so I guess helping me deal with that, if it comes to that, would be awesome, but you know what would be even MORE awesome, God?

A HOUSE!

You know that lady Oprah? You do, she is like one of your most famous creations, but anyway, she has this thing she does where she gives out all kinds of fun stuff like cars and vacations, but you know what she hasn't done?!? Given away a HOUSE! So you could totally trump her on the house thing and be like, "BOO-YA Oprah! I gave a HOUSE to my girls!" You know how Oprah is, she will totally be like, "Ohhhhhhh NOOOOOOOOO YOUUUUU DIDN'TTTTT!" and then SHE will start giving out houses and that is called CHARITY, which I understand you are a BIG fan of. So as I see it, this is a win-win for everyone!

Anyway, as a back up plan, please don't let us be homeless with three cats and three ferrets in tow. And also, we would really like to get that house. Amen"

As of today, I have completely emptied out my savings as we are preparing to have to pay off some debts in order to get the debt to income ratio where it needs to be in order for them to fund our loan. I am trying to remain calm, but these are the things I am thinking about:

1) Spend entire life savings to pay off debts and the deal falls through for some reason. No house, no life savings.

2) Loss of our $1,000 in earnest money because we can't get loan funded in time.

3) Spend ALLLLLL this money trying to get things to closing and not have enough money to actually bring to closing.

4) Not having enough money for deposits to rent another place because we spent all our money trying to get into a house.

Wooooo-saaaaaahhhh. I need some yoga, meditation and a tranquilizer. And also, please do whatever you do when you REALLY want something...and send that my way.

XOXO

Progress!

So far, so good! House stuff is coming along nicely. The inspection was today, only minor stuff to fix:

Compressor works on the AC, however, they couldn't get it to cool...meaning the freon probably leaked out since it has been sitting for a while. No worries.

Drains in the bathtubs drain a little slow.

A hardwiring job needs to happen for the garage door...right now they have it running off an extension cord. Ghetto fabulous!

Dishwasher is loud as SHIT. That will be replaced. (has nothing to do with actual inspection...that was me yelling at the inspection dude over the sound of the dishwasher saying that it WILL be replaced)

Disposal is locked up from non-use. Time to break out the manual disposal turner thing.

Paint was even MORE horrific with the electricity on. WOW. Good news though, no electrical problems!

Found a brand new beach chair in the attic...AND Christmas lights! SCORE! If I had known THAT was there, we would have offered MORE for the house! Hehehe!

No buggies! Termite man came out...we are clear for all bugs that are destructive!

Now to get the appraisal in and get this mo fo closed!

Fingers to remain crossed until the closing is finished!

Officially Official

There are actual signatures on actual black and white paper with actual earnest money. So that makes us OFFICIALLY under contract!

Now:

Inspection
Termite Inspection
Appraisal
Underwriting
Closing Date needs to be moved up to middle of May
Xanax

Looking Forward to May

We are still waiting on paperwork from the bank, but the offer we made has been accepted! I will feel better about things once we make it OFFICIAL, on paper, with earnest money down, but as of this moment, things are feeling pretty good!

We were reminded this weekend of how nice it is going to be to have our own house. The next door neighbors decided to hire a BAND…a FUCKING BAND…to play at 11:00pm-12:00am on Friday night. WOW.

By the end of last week all I wanted to do was go to bed. Friday night seemed like a lovely time to do that since I already had plans to go to a Bachelorette party on Saturday night. I was peacefully watching TV when BLAM, sounds of amplifiers turning on, drums start going, lead guitar, bass guitar and a SCREAMING singer. Krystal and I just looked at each other and said, “HELL NO!!”

Let me give you a visual.

On the left you have our house…our door is on the right; we live in the lower level. The arrow shows the approximate 3 foot gap between houses. On the right you have the geniuses who hired a band to play from 11:00pm-12:00am in a RESIDENTIAL AREA. You can see how close the houses are. It was as if we were standing in their living room.

Krystal headed over, banged on the door for about five minutes and FINALLY someone came to the door and wanted to “know what the problem was”.

Well, ya see, the problem is THIS ISN’T FUCKING FRAT ROW!!

She gave some kind of sob story that she had already paid the band and blah blah blah…Krystal came over to tell me, the music stopped but THEN, she came over to knock on the door…just to see if maybe they could play for like, you know, 30 minutes.

Like, no.

Krystal struck up some bargain that maybe if they moved their shit into another room (my suggestion was move your shit to the next county) then MAYBE, if it wasn’t horribly loud, then they could play for 30 minutes, but to please come back over after they started playing, stand in our house and listen to what we have to listen to.

When Krystal came back to tell me this grand plan, and chastising her for being too nice to these nimrods, I went to sit in the living room to wait for Miss. Fucktard to return.

Upon her return, visualize, me, hair affray, wearing a worn out t-shirt, leopard silk pants and my house coat which is decorated in Christmas trees, she seemed stunned and said, “Well, you aren’t who I was talking to!” I said, “No, I am the one who is trying to sleep.” She then proceeded to tell me that it was just too much to move around tonight, so she had to cancel the whole gig (my eyes were welling up, let me tell ya) and wondered if maybe they could play NEXT weekend between 11:00pm and 12:00am. I kindly (gritted teeth) let her know that despite her schedule, most people prefer not to hear a band playing in through their bedroom window at 11:00pm-12:00am. She continued on with her sob story and I just stopped her and this ensued:

“Look, what time do you go to work in the mornings?”

“Oh, I don’t work, but I have classes at 8:00am”

“OK, well, I work, my Mom and Dad don’t pay my rent, I do, and how I do that is by working 40 – 55 hours in a week and when I want to sleep, that is damn well what I intend on doing. What if I did decided to hire a band on the night you were studying for finals?!?”

“Well, we are pretty loud during finals too”

(REALLY GRITTING MY TEETH)

“You don’t fucking say!!”

I think I may have scared her a little bit. I was pretty darn irritable wondering how the fuckinghell someone thinks it is OK to hire a band for a HOUSE. Then I asked her how old she was. Twenty was the answer. Then my tiny little mind went back a decade ago and I thought about what I was doing…

OH! I WAS BUYING MY OWN HOUSE GAHDAMN IT!

So then I had to realize that not everyone bought a house at 20 nor waited until they had actual common sense when they started partying. I mean, you people know I LOVE TO PARTY! But the difference is that when you start partying late in life, you have that stupid responsibility thing and it prevents you from hiring bands to play in your house. Plus, the acoustics are terrible, which I am assuming you learn later in life as well.

Anyway, we agreed that she and her hired band could probably get away with playing in the middle of the day…say like at 4:00pm. And indeed, when I came home from working on Saturday (I was making some extra doing a job on the side…I am gangsta like that) the music was in full swing.

Since we couldn’t actually hear each other INSIDE our house, Krystal and I decided to go outside and sit on the porch to listen to that thing they called “music”. Not too long after we got out there, the neighbor who lives cattycorner to us came strolling up with his little white dog (yes, he is gay and VERY proud of it) stopped in front of the offending house and with a look of disgust on his face, whipped out his cell phone and called the cops.

It just made me giggle to no end. Thankfully the cop that responded was our dear friend Barry and another equally as awesome cop whose name was…wait for it, Officer Friend. Oh, I had a good time with that one!

The music ceased, we chatted with Barry and Officer Friend for a while, drank a few more beers and then headed downtown where I am pretty sure we caused enough ruckus for one weekend! I am not sure though, we will have to wait for the Facebook photos to be uploaded. :)

Stellar Ju Ju My Friends!

I have to say, all that good ju ju you guys sent was AMAZING! We got a verbal A-OK on our final offer!!!

Now we are just waiting on some OFFICIAL paperwork and we will be under contract! That should commence on Monday. VERY EXCITING!

The only danger is that the paper work won't be official until Monday...so IF someone where to come in this weekend and make an offer higher than ours then POTENTIALLY the bank COULD take theirs...but let's face it, that is just NOT going to happen. Cause I said so. THERE.

Next step is getting the contract signed, putting some earnest money down, get an inspection on the home, an appraisal, a termite letter and THEN get it closed. All before May 31st. Preferably sooner. Like May 1st would be great. I have shit to do in May and I would like it to all be over and done with.

XOXO! Keep those fingers crossed still.

Oh, did I show you the HORRENDOUSLY colorful paint that the people before us did?:

No need to adjust your retinas, those are the REAL colors.

You might want to go ahead and buy some stock in Kilz, because two hot chicks from Savannah are about to load up on that shit.