Whew Lawd!! I had me a rockin weekend in the Mac-town. Oh, yes I did. I came blazing in pimping the Mazda Protege (as always) at about 8:30ish on Friday night...I open the condo door and was greeted by the lovely smell of some of the best tacos I have had in a hot minute! I downed a beer in record time, ate some tacos (Brian made them by the way) and we all (me, Christine, Brian an Justin) went into Brian's room to watch some Oprah. It was about that school she opened in South Africa...if you want to cry you should watch it. In the mean time, read about it online. So we cried and I drank alot of beer and then passed out about 3 am. Tacos, Beer and Oprah...priceless. Saturday at 2:00 I had to be at my boyfriend's birthday party. I may not have told some of you about my boyfriend, Dylan, but he turned 1. He is soooo handsome and I had the best hot dog in my LIFE at his party. Maybe it was because I was hungover, but it was damn good. Wait, no, it wasn't quite as good as strip club hot dog...those are the best!! I visit the 'rents after my boyfriend's party...selfish lil beyotches expect me to visit them when I am in town...sheesh. Like they birthed me or something. Like I owe them my life. Like an hour of my time would kill me. I survived. It was actually a very lovely visit. Ever since I left the Middle Georgia area, anytime I come back I am treated like the Princess I am. It is great. After all the visitation I go with Christine to a Batchelorette party. First I think it is important to mention that we were the only two white people there. This is a friend of Christine's that I know by association. Also, on a side note, I didn't buy food for myself once on Saturday. I think I have found the key to eating well and for a low cost. Find parties to go to! I had a hot dog for lunch and now for dinner some fantastic cheese dip and chips with some fruit and cake and all that stuff. Ok, I didn't say it was a well rounded meal, but I ate free! So after eating was a sex toy party. I already have everything, so I was good to go there. THEN, then (THEN!) a stripper man came. They turned out the lights so we wouldn't be able to see him when he was coming in - before he got "ready". But I looked. And by "ready" I mean he went into the bathroom for about 30 minutes and...well, he came out and I thought that he had something on his do-wa-diddy to make it salute - but no, it turns out (after about 5 minutes of stripping) that there is nothing but a cock ring holding that monster up. So the getting "ready" was really getting IT ready. ::MORTIFIED!:: So the rumors are true about them black mens-es-es. He also did all these great little tricks to the batchelorette...like she was on her back and he flipped her over, using only his legs and was doin it doggie style in about .03 seconds! It was amazing! I need some game like that. As we were leaving we turned and noticed he lit a metal plate on fire in the middle of the room (can we say fire hazard...) and then he roasted his hot dog, spatula and all over the fire...and then served it up, ON A PLATE, to the batchelorette. We left, we had a bar date to get to - but I can only imagine what happened after that.
SO we go to Whiskey River, me, Jenn, Christine, Brian and Justin. As Brian said, if you ever need a self esteem boost, go there! WOW. Redneck, white trash, no teeth, bad hair and all drunk. It was like a family reunion for me! The mullet count was off the fucking chain! I saw one, mini-mullet style (Not to be confuzzelled with this kind of Mini-Mullet) with just the tips in the back part dyed blonde. It was a beaut!! Then there were about 3 or 4, what we now call "hip-breakers". They are the 300lb + women that wear those skimpy lil get ups and think they are some hot shit. The term "hip-breaker" came about after one of them ran me over, taking out my right hip as she came through. It was terrifying! I felt myself being sucked into the fat and then spewed back out...I am just glad I am still here. Then you have the drunk lady with a hair do that reminded me of q-tip meets poodle...it was a site to see. She was dancing when we got there...right by the bar...she had the thumbs out and a great left-right routine. You know the one us white people do - jerk your head left and right really quickly to the beat - like you saw something really interesting to your left - oh and then again to your right about one second later. It was violent. And HILARIOUS! We danced too. Jenn, Christine and I were shakin it like a salt shaker and this drunk 'neck comes up and says, "Ewe gurls ain't dane'cin by yo'self now are yas?" To which we promptly replied, "NOPE, we are dancing with each other..." To which he apparently thought that was an invitation and jumped in the middle of. We ejected him soon after. We also saw some folks from high school - Jon and Ben. Good to see those guys after all these years - at least 8 years right? We left about 2:30am and went and had some Waffle House...it was yummy! We were out till 4:00am, but it was really 5:00am cause of this stupid time change thing. I hate loosing an hour...hate it, hate it!
So in sum up: Oprah, tacos, birthday party, batchlorette party, stripper mens, rednecks, lots and lots of beer, grease on a plate and home I went.
I am pooooooped out!
(P.S. This hair is amazing. That hair can hail cabs FOR you!)
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