It is Friday, right?

DOH! I was tricked into answering the phone! I thought it was someone I knew, but it was actually my BP gas card telling me that I suck and I need to pay them some money. I know I suck, but let me tell you about the past two years of my life: jobless for 4 months, borrowed a bazillion dollars from my parents to keep up with my mortgage payment as well as my other bills, moved to Savannah, paid a mortgage AND rent for almost a year, yes, A YEAR, had to put OVER $5,000.00 into the house because of a retarded home inspector, car broke down – more than once, oh what else…lets see, gosh I think I could go on for a while…and people wonder why I drink so much! Pshhhah!

Oh, speaking of drinking, I woke up this morning to a dum dum da dum dumm in my head and it took me about 30 seconds to realize it actually wasn't my head pounding at all…it was my friendly neighborhood homie wanting me to enjoy his bump in the trunk. Do I love loud things in the morning? Nay. I do not. Do I love loud music, drinking and dancing in the evening? Yay! I do!! So let's review: 8:30AM = BAD, 10:30PM while at the club/bar and not outside my window whilst sleeping = AWESOME! Geez, how many times do I have to go over this! You would think they don't read my blog or something.

Weird.

So I celebrated pre-Friday last night…first stop Carrabbas – my girl Christine was working the bar, so magically two beers showed up in front of me. Let it be known that I did not eat yesterday due to the fact that I had to take an hour earlier in the morning to meet with the air conditioner guy cause our unit in the apartment is leaking EVERYWHERE. So after caffeinated my self half to death yesterday, I wasn't really all the hungry. Coffee is a great meal replacement too! Anywho, then we went to Longhorn to see Leslie and friends…had two beers or so there – Larkin and Paul came to meet us there and then we went to Chili's! Two for one baby!! Two for freakin one!! By the time we got to Chili's it was pretty evident that I needed to eat something, so we got some food and then drank some more. We went out to check the weather and when we got back our table was cleared, though we specifically told our server that we would be right back and she even put up an OCCUPIED/VIP sign so the busboy wouldn't clear it…but apparently reading isn't a requirement for busboys. So, she brought us all another round, which was two more beers a piece. Let's add: 2+2+2+2+2 = 10 beers + empty stomach = (carry the 2, minus 3) DRUNK.

When we finally did get home, our air unit had leaked all over the place…AGAIN. So yeah, not happy. My couch legs are going to be ruined. Oh well, if the couch has to go, I guess we can just sit on the floor. I am sure that is why God made us a bum in the first place. The air dude is supposed to come out again today…we shall see what they find. The carpet guy is going to need to come soon too cause it is starting to get a little musty up in that mofo.

Ok, gonna do something that resembles work now.
Peace suckas! Just kidding, you aren't a sucka. I love you so!

Ramble On My Dear!

I believe I have had too much coffee today! My mind is everywhere!

Being distracted is not my normal forte, but these last few days I have had everything on my mind. Nothing serious (of course) but, well, for instance, I was sitting in the bathroom two days ago and I thought, "Oh I wonder how they make toilet paper" Lo and behold, yesterday on "How It's Made" they showed how they make toilet paper! Oh the excitement! (It is made from our recycled paper…so next time you throw a piece of paper away, it might, just might be taking care of your butt in the future, how sweet.)

Then I was reading Maxim, (which is such a great magazine, by the way) also while on the potty, and they said that the caffeine in about 72 espressos is enough to make your heart explode! Unfortunately, caffeine is a diuretic, so you would pee/poop it out before you could get that much through your system. Pretty much it is impossible to kill yourself by drinking coffee.

Shit, my coffee is cold again. Bleh!

So we have this Secret Santa thing going on at our office. All the secretaries are involved and we have some of the funniest gifts going around at the moment.

My SS gave me some coffee. Hummm, go figure.

Anyway, the first of many hilarious gifts was a pooping reindeer. What is it with me and pooping and peeing?! So juvenile! SO FUNNY!

Here is what the poopy deer looks like – that "shit" is hilarious!



Then there was a poopy penguin! Muhahaha!



Now there are marshmallow burger and fries. Probably the most disgusting of them all. No doubt it tastes like ass…but how funny is THAT!



I still want an Answer Me Jesus.



Let's to go to fun words I have learned in the past few days:

Phenylalanine – found on the side of Magan's (whom I work with) Diet Coke. It is an amino acid and pregnant people shouldn't ingest it.

Defenestrate – throwing someone or something out a window. If I was a movie maker I would HAVE to use this in my movie. "I shall defenestrate you now!"

Do you guys watch Kid Nation? There is a girl on there named Taylor and I want to beat her so bad. Spoiled lil brat. She lives somewhere in Georgia. If I ever see that kid I feel as if I will have no restraint of my foot barging up her ass. I get the same feeling of needing to kill a kid when I watch Nanny 911.

In other news: they came out with a London Ink! What what! Like Miami Ink and L.A. Ink…but London. An hour of British people speaking and doing tattoos! I think I have found heaven my friends! I have been known to actually kiss random people because they have an accent. Purrrrrr!

My pants smell like my cat Boo Boo may have farted on them. Think that means I should stop leaving my "clean" clothes on the floor. There is something about that extra step of putting them into the closet or my armoire. (I had to look that word up in Google; I typed in "French dresser armwa"…it worked! Damn that Google is a smart lil SOB!)

Ok, I am going to do my filing now.
Love ya, mean it!

The 'stach

Often times in my life I have wanted to be a boy. Hang with me...this isn't a story about me wanting to change sex or anything.

For instance...when I was little I was mesmerized by the fact that boys could pee anywhere. Aw, who am I kidding...I am still mesmerized by the fact that boys can pee anywhere.

Side Note: Speaking of peeing anywhere...I have to tell you guys that Krystal had to pee so bad last night she jumped out of the car at a stop light and peed on the sidewalk. I was mortified. And also laughing hysterically and I envisioned us being arrested...me for probably being over the limit, though I wasn't blurry eyed or anything, but that .08 thing just wasn't going to be...and Krystal for peeing in public.

Anyway, back to what I was writing about...boys, peeing and onto facial hair. I have always thought facial hair would be cool to have...if I wasn't a girl of course. I think I would change it often. I like changing the hair on top of my head often, so I can only assume that if I could grow hair on my face, I would change that often as well. My mother and I had a conversation the other day about what a handlebar mustache was.

I said it was this:



She said it was this:



When I search Google...it brings up both. Who knows.

This is bringing me closer to my point. Today, while searching Google for this here handlebar mustache picture, I came across this website.

Oh.my.what.the.fuck.ha.ha.haaaaa!!!

I have decided that this guy is my favorite!



This guy just looks like one of the ZZ Top dudes:



But this guy...this guy is just a ra-tard. A bridge? Who married this guy? Is he married **checking site*** It doesn't say. But I am going to venture by the fact that he has "flare" on his lovely red vest and a sheep in his pocket he is one of two things. Gay or a gay sheep lover.

E-mail's At Work

My e-mail to everyone:

Just giving everyone and update regarding the [case name] settlement. If I have not received your signature pages, I need them as soon as possible.

Thanks!

Signature pages for Settlement, Release and Confidentiality Agreement

[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received


Signature pages for Stipulation of Dismissal

[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - Received
[attorney name] - PENDING
[attorney name] - Received



I get a response back from a legal secretary in Charleston that I am not sure if I have ever spoken to or not...but I am very sure I like now...



Legal Secretary from Afar: I like your style!

Me: The style of the e-mail? If so...I stole the list/pending/received motif from someone...was it you?!

If you are speaking of the clothes I am wearing today...it was two for one at Chili's last night...my vision was still a little on the blurry side this morning! :)

Legal Secretary from Afar: Ha!!! totally like your style! You didn't steal the email motif from me, but I'm "borrowing" it from you. I predict blurry vision for myself beginning at 5:00 p.m.

Me: Awesome! I hope to visit some of my favorite friends tonight too. Sam, (Adams) Bud, (Light) and Amber (bock)
After all...they were so nice to me last night...
Have a good rest of the day!! Only 5 more hours!!!

Legal Secretary from Afar: tell the lads I said hello! I'm going to hang out with Mick (elob) tonight

Mick (elob) MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...that was soooo freakin witty...I love witty people.

Check for Legal Secretary from Afar...I like you!

Nigerian Scammers and Their Dumbassedness

I have a wonderful friend, Trish, whom I love oh so much. We met at a Collective Soul concert when I tried to bow her in the face while taking pictures of my husband and lead singer, Ed. (Ed isn't aware of our arrangement)

Anyway, Trish has been meeting some interesting mens on her internet dating site and on the web in general. The latest one was the most entertaining.

The story:

Name: Daniel
Occupation: Some kind of traveling computer guy or something
Location: at the moment, Nigeria
Family: has a small son that goes with him on his travels.

Trish and Daniel have been talking for about a month and it becomes PAINFULLY obvious by the second time they talk that there is something just not quite right about this.

Trish IM'd me about it and the first thing that popped into my head was Nigerian Scam. I watch WAY too much Chris Hanson.

After we did some research we pretty much confirmed that this was indeed a scammer...so Trish decided to fuck with him. I have some of the IM conversations for your pleasureable reading! The set up for these IM's is that "Daniel" had said he was coming to see Trish...he was flying into Tampa this weekend. Of course at the last minute his son, David, got sick and was in the hospital. At this point is when the scammer asks for some money. $500 was what was asked for from Trish. Trish told him that she had a friend that was a good Christian that would get his church to help out. So she asked for the hospital address, phone number and person of contact at the hospital that his son was staying in. The address came back as a known scamming address. It was linked to an accounting firm, a Nigerian school of some sort...all kinds of crap.

And this is what Trish wrote:

Trish: Daniel, I have really frightening news. You know I told you that I have talked to my friend about you. She went online yesterday to make sure that the hospital you told me about can give David the kind of care he needs. I’m really scared because she found out that the hospital is somehow involved in all that Nigerian scam stuff we talked about before.
Trish: Honey, get David out of there right away and call the American Embassy right away! A friend that is in the security business called me this morning and I asked him what I could do to help you. He has a friend in Interpol that deals with this kind of thing all the time. He called his friend and the Interpol guy said that American citizens that need emergency help in Nigeria can call one of the following numbers to speak to the duty officer at the American Embassy there. They will be able to get David any treatment he needs. The numbers Greg gave me for you to call are 0803-408-6000 or (234) 1-261-0195 or (234) 1-261-1414.Trish Todd (11/1/2007 11:20:47 AM): Please call them, Daniel. I’m so worried about both of you. Please tell me that David is doing better today.
Trish: Please call them, Daniel. I’m so worried about both of you. Please promise that you will call them.

Daniel Tyler: wow
Daniel Tyler: i dont have to do that

Trish: Why not? It is the quickest way to get him the help he needs.

Daniel Tyler: david is under medications
Daniel Tyler: on debt

Trish: But I thought you said yesterday that they wouldn't continue his medications without being paid. Remember, this hospital is linked to those scams.
Trish: The address you gave me is set up to collect funds for several different types of Nigerian scams.

Daniel Tyler: yes was about losing him, i pleaded with them
Daniel Tyler: that i will pay them soon
Daniel Tyler: frst they didnrt accept
Daniel Tyler: they pitied me anyway saw the condition of david
Daniel Tyler: was getting wors
Daniel Tyler: i dont understand why u went to the american embassy

Trish: Well, that is a relief. I was trying to get you help for David.

Daniel Tyler: i never said there wasnt any here

Trish: I know. I just didn't know what else to do.

Daniel Tyler: Honey, that wasnt the kind of help i asked from you

Trish: That's why they are there - to help American citizens.
Trish: You said David was dying. If they can help you, why wouldn't you take him there. Those people that you are dealing with are stealing. You do understand that they are criminals that pray upon innocent people in need, don't you?

Daniel Tyler: You mean the scammers?

Trish: Yes, that is what they are doing with your money.

Daniel Tyler: No one is scamming here

Trish: Go online and look up the billing information that they gave you.
Trish: You will see what they are involved in. My friend does this kind of thing all the time.

Daniel Tyler: Hun idont knowe
Daniel Tyler: if u are not gonna help me with the money just tell me

Trish: I have no reason to mislead you. I told you that I don't have the money but if David's life is in danger, the embassy can help him right now and they have much better medical care. Go to the U.S. State department website.
Trish: It tells all about this kind of thing.

Daniel Tyler: honey you just have to try hard to raise me some cash

Trish: If David's life is in jeopardy, you need to take him now. Not wait until I can find money.

Daniel Tyler: i am looking for money to pay for the bills nd medication

Trish: I thought you said you would get paid next week. You can pay it then.

Daniel Tyler: yes
Daniel Tyler: i kow
Daniel Tyler: know*
Daniel Tyler: got to pay them in edays timer

Trish: Then you can pay them then. It would take me much longer than that to come up with $500.

Daniel Tyler: They are taking care of him now
Daniel Tyler: embassy aren't the help i need right now sweetie
Daniel Tyler: 2days

Trish: Then take him to the embassy. I don't understand why you won't take him there if he is so ill.

Daniel Tyler: Honey, i just dont want to get in touch with the Embassy here
Daniel Tyler: How much do u think you can come up with ????????????????????????????????

Trish: Why not? David is dying!
Trish: Okay
Trish: Here's the deal. I haven't believed a word you have said to me since the second time that we talked. You are a liar and a criminal. You will have to find someone far dumber than I am to prey upon because you are not getting a damned dime from me. In fact I have four IM screens open right now sharing our conversation with friends of mine and we are all amazed at how stupid you are. We have all been laughing at your stupidity for weeks. I suggest you do much more research before contacting anyone else with this bullshit scam because you suck at it. I also suggest that you not contact me again because I DO have a friend in the security business that DOES have a contact in Interpol.
Trish: You are going to have to step up your game a hell of a lot if you want to make a living at stealing from other people. Goodbye.

Daniel Tyler: Happy Hooooowloween!

Trish: You are a fucking idiot.

Daniel Tyler: Happy Halloween! (cackle)
Daniel Tyler: Come Kiss my black ASS
Daniel Tyler: Dumb Blonde Woman

Trish: Your black ass is not worthy of shit.
Trish: You're so stupid that you don't know the difference between a blonde and a brunette you ignorant fucker.

Needless to say, they haven't spoken since.

Ohhh the entertainment we have had though!!

And this is what I have to say about THAT!

This past weekend we celebrated Halloween in downtown Savannah...good times as always.















Krystal and I were Betty and Wilma.

















And then we had the rest of the crew:

Brian (Priest with a woody and a mohawk)
Christine (Dorothy)
Nicole (Hawaiian girl)
Candice (dark angel)

Anyway, good times were had.

When you meet people in life, most are very pleasant, fun and even overly excited to meet you. This happened alot that night actually...drinking + costumes = lots of loud, random stranger encounters.

i.e. : We don't actually know who these people are...but we all took a picture together!

So we happened upon a celebrity on our night out and about. I have met a couple of celebrities...not many, so I will list them:

Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves: dork, asshole, can't dance (we met at a club) but I got his autograph on a bar napkin.

Bob Saget: he was rather drunk when I met him and likes techno and house music (again, at a club). Filthy mouth...not that I don't have one too..but anyway....for the most part was a nice guy.

Ed Roland of Collective Soul: love this man. Favorite band in the world. He is my husband and doesn't know it. SO SO SO NICE!

Kevn Kinney lead singer of Drivin N Cryin: super guy...very nice...love his music, love his attitude!

All the members of Mothers Finest: super people all around! Love them all!

And then this weekend: Miss J. Alexander from America's Next Top Model: RUDE, ARROGANT and generally a HUGE dissapointment as far as personality goes. But really tall.

Here is my thing...you are in Savannah, land of not a whole lot going on - if you were to compare it to somewhere like L.A. When I approached Miss J, by the way, we were in a bar that can hold MAYBE 30 people, and I asked him if we could get a picture, he said, "No, I don't want to start a chain reaction, just get me when I am leaving."

Do you know how many other people wanted a picture with him...two. YES, two. Me (and my friends) and ONE other girl. Chain reaction my ass. Anyway, the first picture my friend, Christine, got cut out.

So I asked if we could take another one with just her...he rolled his eyes and SLOWLY abbliged.

Notice the sheer joy in his face. Seriously...come on.

Note to self: when you are famous, no matter how bad of a time you are having, make sure you put on a good smile for your fans.