This morning, at approximately 8:40AM I noticed that one of my homies was displaying the phenomenal power of his bump in his trunk. At 8:40 in the morning. This bump was SO LOUD that it was vibrating the sink in my bathroom. Since some of you may not know the layout of the house, I will draw it for you. (I had more time to draw this one though)
Anyway, the sink was shaking very violently. I am NOT a morning person.
Bump bu baaa bump bump
Bump bu baaa bummmmp bump
If anyone knows that song, let me know. It would probably sound really great on the system in MY car, just not at 8:40 in the fucking MORNING!
Anyway…let's talk about how important sunscreen is.
Say you skip school and decide to go to the beach to drink and have fun with all your beach loving friends from say, about 11:00am to 5:00pm. It is sunny, 85, not a cloud in the sky. You apply SPF 35 twice. What kind of results to we expect to find; perhaps something to this effect.
Let us have a lesson in sun protection given by someone who is so, so white. (ME)
SPF 35 basically means: You are only protecting your skin from 35% of the suns harmful rays. SO, that means (calculating…) [carry the three, minus one…] 65% of the sun is still making its way to your beautiful creamy skin canvas. OH wait, that is MY creamy canvas and YOUR leathery, nasty lady from There's Something About Mary skin.
Me at the beach: Long sleeve t-shirt, umbrella, hat, sunscreen (SPF 45 or higher) and sun glasses. Except this past weekend when my foot got burnt because, unbeknownst to me, it was hanging outside the shaded area of the umbrella. A little ouchie, but nothing like Miss Thang.
We must remember to always sunscreen our face (especially when wearing sunglasses…raccoon eyes are cute and all…but…) and legs as well. A nice, soothing application of damp towels fresh from the freezer provide some temporary comfort from the raging pain of hell on your skin. (please note my very white knee against Krystal's not-so-white epidermis) (and Monkey-roos! So cute)
So I am gonna go to the beach on Sunday. Sunday is our new beach day…it is going to be beautiful – in the low 80's. I love the beach!
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Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Camera Phone Blog
I love takin me some pictures. I think, as humans, we are quite visual and are in need of visual aides from time to time.
For instance...I was in Wal-Mart not too long ago and saw a man shopping in a towel. Yes, a towel. Wrapped around his waist. With a fanny pack holding it up. Need a visual...oh, I SO have one. Thank you camera phones! Apparently he doesn't adhere to the same fashion awareness Ms. Debra Jackson thinks you should have when visiting your local Wally World.
And what if I was to tell you I LIVE for some ghetto shit...so when I saw this bike at the local Arby's I had to add it to the collection of things that make me smile. I ran right home and got me some tin foil and put that shit right on my bike. And by bike, I mean motorcycle. I am SO P.I.M.P. WHAT!
Then, we were at Carrabbas one night...had me a to go order of some Spag with meatballs and sausage. Look how it came out! Priceless!
All that being said, after a long days work this is what I look like. That might also be my morning face w/out the fucked up hair.
Now will you people please let me get back to work...geez.
For instance...I was in Wal-Mart not too long ago and saw a man shopping in a towel. Yes, a towel. Wrapped around his waist. With a fanny pack holding it up. Need a visual...oh, I SO have one. Thank you camera phones! Apparently he doesn't adhere to the same fashion awareness Ms. Debra Jackson thinks you should have when visiting your local Wally World.
And what if I was to tell you I LIVE for some ghetto shit...so when I saw this bike at the local Arby's I had to add it to the collection of things that make me smile. I ran right home and got me some tin foil and put that shit right on my bike. And by bike, I mean motorcycle. I am SO P.I.M.P. WHAT!
Then, we were at Carrabbas one night...had me a to go order of some Spag with meatballs and sausage. Look how it came out! Priceless!
All that being said, after a long days work this is what I look like. That might also be my morning face w/out the fucked up hair.
Now will you people please let me get back to work...geez.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Happy St. Patrick's Day bitches!!!
My day started at 5:30 in the morning…I had to take Krystal to the airport as she is gone to L.A. for a week. I came back home and cat napped for about an hour and then got up to start the day. Called Larkin about 9:45 and went and picked her up around 10:30. We parked at the office and walked about 20 blocks and met up with some friends of mine who had roped off an area in one of the squares.
First things first – find beer. So we did. We deposited our warm beer into a cooler and extracted two cold beers. This was my breakfast! The parade was really nice. I think my favorite part is when anyone in the military comes by the women (and sometimes men!) put on really, really red lipstick and run out and kiss them! The marines were the funniest as they never broke form or even cracked a smile!
Reviews from the parade:
I want this truck.
I want this horse.
and this mullet wins my vote!
Larkin also did a mini-keg stand – except she wasn't on her head and it was the cutest little keg ever. I took one too, but I don't have a picture of it. Perhaps Amy does. (AMY! DO YA?!?)
The parade ended at 1:00ish and we headed back to the car – nice morning buzz off my morning meal replacement beer. We decided we were gonna need a cab – so we called Roger E. Walker, our strip club cabbie and he came and got the crew from the house.
By this point Christine and Justin had made it into town from Macon and Paul came too so we all loaded up in the cab. There was a newlywed couple that was already in the cab when we hauled up…just married since the 9th of this month. Isn't that sweet? NO! GAG PUKE and BLAH. I'm not bitter.
We get downtown and that takes a hot minute cause there are, oh, I don't know, 700,000 people in our way!!! Anyway, we get down there and wait in line to purchase our wrist bands for $5. That was a good 45 minute wait. I took this picture to commemorate. We finally get in and we get some pizza, cause I really was in need of some food by this point - I was experiencing my first of two hangovers in one day.
We found ourselves some really big frozen Bahama Momma's and drank those. I think they forgot to put the alcohol in them. SO, we went to a favorite bar of mine – called The Bar Bar (isn't that cute?) and THERE we found The Captain and also the joy of lots more beer, Sex on the Beaches, Long Island Ice Teas, Vodka and Red Bull and more beer!!! OH and a Kamikaze shot for me! Also I danced and I sang with Christine – even though it looks like I am doing some kind of Tarzan mating call thing, I am really singing about getting low and shaking my salt shaker.
Some random guy wanted to take a picture with us…please note Christine's face. HILARIOUS!
We then proceed to go BACK down to River Street where it is more crowded than a fat man's nuts and get a corn dog and some nachos! This is where I ran into Lauren!! She called and I let her know I was in front of a big ship…turns out she was in front of the same big ship! WOW! ::jump up and down and scream like cheerleaders that just saw Orlando Bloom::
We THEN go to Malones to meet our high school friend Jenn – where we can't get in cause all of the stupid people are in my way. We get Jenn to come to us and say hi and then make our way back to see if we can get back into Bar Bar. We couldn't. So we tried to go to Club One but the cover was $20!! WTF! That is like two 30 packs of Keystone! We decided then we needed to call Roger E. Walker Texas Ranger (thanks Christine for the add-on to the name…SO FUNNY) and head back to the house to find somewhere else to get our groove on.
Roger picks us up and a few miles down the road some guy is walking in the middle of the road apparently trying to hail a cab, but about to accomplish being run over. Anyway, Bubba gets in the cab with us (thankfully we are in a van cab) and he had himself some weed beads (as Christine says) and ALOT of alcohol! Wow, that dude was DRUNK. He was slurring everything. The conversation was something like: Heyz, ineedz togets to JA-hony Harrissesss (that is Johnny Harris Restaurant for those that don't speak drunk) and he gave us his whole history – he joined the marines right out of high school and he hasn't been back to South Carolina but three times since then (to which I replied that he wasn't in South Carolina NOW – I just wanted to make sure he knew that) and that he and his friend got spit up downtown. He asked us if we had been down there (dude, wow, YA THINK! Do ya see the beads…oh wait, probably not…so we just went with it), yes, we have. "Wellz thens you cun seee how you can get splitst up." Yes, yes, we understand. Roger dropped us off first and then Bubba Drunk to Johnny Harris's. I hope he made it home safe!
We went and drank some more after that…and then I had to pass out about 1 AM. Just couldn't go anymore…but I was so proud of my body for hanging in there that long!
And that, my dears, though not full of crazy weird entertainment, was our weekend. We had a BLAST!
First things first – find beer. So we did. We deposited our warm beer into a cooler and extracted two cold beers. This was my breakfast! The parade was really nice. I think my favorite part is when anyone in the military comes by the women (and sometimes men!) put on really, really red lipstick and run out and kiss them! The marines were the funniest as they never broke form or even cracked a smile!
Reviews from the parade:
I want this truck.
I want this horse.
and this mullet wins my vote!
Larkin also did a mini-keg stand – except she wasn't on her head and it was the cutest little keg ever. I took one too, but I don't have a picture of it. Perhaps Amy does. (AMY! DO YA?!?)
The parade ended at 1:00ish and we headed back to the car – nice morning buzz off my morning meal replacement beer. We decided we were gonna need a cab – so we called Roger E. Walker, our strip club cabbie and he came and got the crew from the house.
By this point Christine and Justin had made it into town from Macon and Paul came too so we all loaded up in the cab. There was a newlywed couple that was already in the cab when we hauled up…just married since the 9th of this month. Isn't that sweet? NO! GAG PUKE and BLAH. I'm not bitter.
We get downtown and that takes a hot minute cause there are, oh, I don't know, 700,000 people in our way!!! Anyway, we get down there and wait in line to purchase our wrist bands for $5. That was a good 45 minute wait. I took this picture to commemorate. We finally get in and we get some pizza, cause I really was in need of some food by this point - I was experiencing my first of two hangovers in one day.
We found ourselves some really big frozen Bahama Momma's and drank those. I think they forgot to put the alcohol in them. SO, we went to a favorite bar of mine – called The Bar Bar (isn't that cute?) and THERE we found The Captain and also the joy of lots more beer, Sex on the Beaches, Long Island Ice Teas, Vodka and Red Bull and more beer!!! OH and a Kamikaze shot for me! Also I danced and I sang with Christine – even though it looks like I am doing some kind of Tarzan mating call thing, I am really singing about getting low and shaking my salt shaker.
Some random guy wanted to take a picture with us…please note Christine's face. HILARIOUS!
We then proceed to go BACK down to River Street where it is more crowded than a fat man's nuts and get a corn dog and some nachos! This is where I ran into Lauren!! She called and I let her know I was in front of a big ship…turns out she was in front of the same big ship! WOW! ::jump up and down and scream like cheerleaders that just saw Orlando Bloom::
We THEN go to Malones to meet our high school friend Jenn – where we can't get in cause all of the stupid people are in my way. We get Jenn to come to us and say hi and then make our way back to see if we can get back into Bar Bar. We couldn't. So we tried to go to Club One but the cover was $20!! WTF! That is like two 30 packs of Keystone! We decided then we needed to call Roger E. Walker Texas Ranger (thanks Christine for the add-on to the name…SO FUNNY) and head back to the house to find somewhere else to get our groove on.
Roger picks us up and a few miles down the road some guy is walking in the middle of the road apparently trying to hail a cab, but about to accomplish being run over. Anyway, Bubba gets in the cab with us (thankfully we are in a van cab) and he had himself some weed beads (as Christine says) and ALOT of alcohol! Wow, that dude was DRUNK. He was slurring everything. The conversation was something like: Heyz, ineedz togets to JA-hony Harrissesss (that is Johnny Harris Restaurant for those that don't speak drunk) and he gave us his whole history – he joined the marines right out of high school and he hasn't been back to South Carolina but three times since then (to which I replied that he wasn't in South Carolina NOW – I just wanted to make sure he knew that) and that he and his friend got spit up downtown. He asked us if we had been down there (dude, wow, YA THINK! Do ya see the beads…oh wait, probably not…so we just went with it), yes, we have. "Wellz thens you cun seee how you can get splitst up." Yes, yes, we understand. Roger dropped us off first and then Bubba Drunk to Johnny Harris's. I hope he made it home safe!
We went and drank some more after that…and then I had to pass out about 1 AM. Just couldn't go anymore…but I was so proud of my body for hanging in there that long!
And that, my dears, though not full of crazy weird entertainment, was our weekend. We had a BLAST!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Party Mac Town Style
Whew Lawd!! I had me a rockin weekend in the Mac-town. Oh, yes I did. I came blazing in pimping the Mazda Protege (as always) at about 8:30ish on Friday night...I open the condo door and was greeted by the lovely smell of some of the best tacos I have had in a hot minute! I downed a beer in record time, ate some tacos (Brian made them by the way) and we all (me, Christine, Brian an Justin) went into Brian's room to watch some Oprah. It was about that school she opened in South Africa...if you want to cry you should watch it. In the mean time, read about it online. So we cried and I drank alot of beer and then passed out about 3 am. Tacos, Beer and Oprah...priceless. Saturday at 2:00 I had to be at my boyfriend's birthday party. I may not have told some of you about my boyfriend, Dylan, but he turned 1. He is soooo handsome and I had the best hot dog in my LIFE at his party. Maybe it was because I was hungover, but it was damn good. Wait, no, it wasn't quite as good as strip club hot dog...those are the best!! I visit the 'rents after my boyfriend's party...selfish lil beyotches expect me to visit them when I am in town...sheesh. Like they birthed me or something. Like I owe them my life. Like an hour of my time would kill me. I survived. It was actually a very lovely visit. Ever since I left the Middle Georgia area, anytime I come back I am treated like the Princess I am. It is great. After all the visitation I go with Christine to a Batchelorette party. First I think it is important to mention that we were the only two white people there. This is a friend of Christine's that I know by association. Also, on a side note, I didn't buy food for myself once on Saturday. I think I have found the key to eating well and for a low cost. Find parties to go to! I had a hot dog for lunch and now for dinner some fantastic cheese dip and chips with some fruit and cake and all that stuff. Ok, I didn't say it was a well rounded meal, but I ate free! So after eating was a sex toy party. I already have everything, so I was good to go there. THEN, then (THEN!) a stripper man came. They turned out the lights so we wouldn't be able to see him when he was coming in - before he got "ready". But I looked. And by "ready" I mean he went into the bathroom for about 30 minutes and...well, he came out and I thought that he had something on his do-wa-diddy to make it salute - but no, it turns out (after about 5 minutes of stripping) that there is nothing but a cock ring holding that monster up. So the getting "ready" was really getting IT ready. ::MORTIFIED!:: So the rumors are true about them black mens-es-es. He also did all these great little tricks to the batchelorette...like she was on her back and he flipped her over, using only his legs and was doin it doggie style in about .03 seconds! It was amazing! I need some game like that. As we were leaving we turned and noticed he lit a metal plate on fire in the middle of the room (can we say fire hazard...) and then he roasted his hot dog, spatula and all over the fire...and then served it up, ON A PLATE, to the batchelorette. We left, we had a bar date to get to - but I can only imagine what happened after that.
SO we go to Whiskey River, me, Jenn, Christine, Brian and Justin. As Brian said, if you ever need a self esteem boost, go there! WOW. Redneck, white trash, no teeth, bad hair and all drunk. It was like a family reunion for me! The mullet count was off the fucking chain! I saw one, mini-mullet style (Not to be confuzzelled with this kind of Mini-Mullet) with just the tips in the back part dyed blonde. It was a beaut!! Then there were about 3 or 4, what we now call "hip-breakers". They are the 300lb + women that wear those skimpy lil get ups and think they are some hot shit. The term "hip-breaker" came about after one of them ran me over, taking out my right hip as she came through. It was terrifying! I felt myself being sucked into the fat and then spewed back out...I am just glad I am still here. Then you have the drunk lady with a hair do that reminded me of q-tip meets poodle...it was a site to see. She was dancing when we got there...right by the bar...she had the thumbs out and a great left-right routine. You know the one us white people do - jerk your head left and right really quickly to the beat - like you saw something really interesting to your left - oh and then again to your right about one second later. It was violent. And HILARIOUS! We danced too. Jenn, Christine and I were shakin it like a salt shaker and this drunk 'neck comes up and says, "Ewe gurls ain't dane'cin by yo'self now are yas?" To which we promptly replied, "NOPE, we are dancing with each other..." To which he apparently thought that was an invitation and jumped in the middle of. We ejected him soon after. We also saw some folks from high school - Jon and Ben. Good to see those guys after all these years - at least 8 years right? We left about 2:30am and went and had some Waffle House...it was yummy! We were out till 4:00am, but it was really 5:00am cause of this stupid time change thing. I hate loosing an hour...hate it, hate it!
So in sum up: Oprah, tacos, birthday party, batchlorette party, stripper mens, rednecks, lots and lots of beer, grease on a plate and home I went.
I am pooooooped out!
(P.S. This hair is amazing. That hair can hail cabs FOR you!)
SO we go to Whiskey River, me, Jenn, Christine, Brian and Justin. As Brian said, if you ever need a self esteem boost, go there! WOW. Redneck, white trash, no teeth, bad hair and all drunk. It was like a family reunion for me! The mullet count was off the fucking chain! I saw one, mini-mullet style (Not to be confuzzelled with this kind of Mini-Mullet) with just the tips in the back part dyed blonde. It was a beaut!! Then there were about 3 or 4, what we now call "hip-breakers". They are the 300lb + women that wear those skimpy lil get ups and think they are some hot shit. The term "hip-breaker" came about after one of them ran me over, taking out my right hip as she came through. It was terrifying! I felt myself being sucked into the fat and then spewed back out...I am just glad I am still here. Then you have the drunk lady with a hair do that reminded me of q-tip meets poodle...it was a site to see. She was dancing when we got there...right by the bar...she had the thumbs out and a great left-right routine. You know the one us white people do - jerk your head left and right really quickly to the beat - like you saw something really interesting to your left - oh and then again to your right about one second later. It was violent. And HILARIOUS! We danced too. Jenn, Christine and I were shakin it like a salt shaker and this drunk 'neck comes up and says, "Ewe gurls ain't dane'cin by yo'self now are yas?" To which we promptly replied, "NOPE, we are dancing with each other..." To which he apparently thought that was an invitation and jumped in the middle of. We ejected him soon after. We also saw some folks from high school - Jon and Ben. Good to see those guys after all these years - at least 8 years right? We left about 2:30am and went and had some Waffle House...it was yummy! We were out till 4:00am, but it was really 5:00am cause of this stupid time change thing. I hate loosing an hour...hate it, hate it!
So in sum up: Oprah, tacos, birthday party, batchlorette party, stripper mens, rednecks, lots and lots of beer, grease on a plate and home I went.
I am pooooooped out!
(P.S. This hair is amazing. That hair can hail cabs FOR you!)
