The Weekend...And It Goes A Lil Sumpin Like This...

Have you ever been to a strip club? Me neither. BUT if I had ever gone to one, it would probably go a little something like this:

It would be at some place called Temptations, or something, just across the state line in South Carolina. It would be a BYOB kind of place because in SC you can't be an all naked establishment and serve alcohol too. So, even though you might pay, say, $15.00 to get in the door, you save big bucks bringing your own cooler. It might seem weird at first rolling around a cooler in a strip club, but I think I would acclimate. So, if I was to go, I would probably bring a posse, cause it wouldn't be any fun otherwise – so lets say I bring Krystal, Larkin and her boyfriend Paul. Lets just say…

So when we got there (just saying, if we ever went or anything) there would probably be this funny ass black bouncer at the door who proceeds to tell me (after checking ID) "WOW, you are older than I thought…" Hummm, ok. Thanks?!?

**looks at Krystal** "And you look 9 years old"

**looking at Larkin** "You just look mad in your picture"

**looking at Paul** "And dude, you look like you just got out of prison, so I am not going to stand between you and nothin!" (that last word could possibly be replaced by the other name for a cat, which also rhymes with ussy. Just sayin, if we went, that might be what some big black bouncer at Temptations might say)

So there would probably be stairs, because you can't just have all this on one floor, people coming in could see all the action before paying, right?! So we would proceed up the stairs and immediately be introduced to a set of twins. Identical. Hiya girls! I would probably just look down and proceed to find seats…obviously embarrassed by the fact naked people are just walking around everywhere!

I would sit close to Krystal for most of the night…that is until a particular stripper comes out…probably by the name of Trinity or something. Legs for days, long brown hair, huge hoop earrings and a gorgeous tan. I know, no woman like this exists…but you have to remember, this is IF I was to ever go to a strip club, it might be like this!

So say she did exist…while she was dancing she made eye contact with Krystal and I and waved. I would probably do the whole look behind me and then point at myself thing as if to say, "ME?" "US??" Then she waves.

Later on she comes by the table to say hey to us again. She tells us we are cute and that we look like we are having a good time. I am stuttering over my words and I would probably even break a cigarette trying to get it out of the pack. Yep. That would be me. Cool, calm and collected. She squats by us on the floor and keeps her hand on my knee the entire time she is talking, causing me to almost go into an epileptic fit. I ask her how long she has been doing this (four years), I ask her if she likes it (she likes this place, it works well for her), I ask her what her outfit is made of and how long it took to put on (it was elastic string that wrapped from one end of her 5'11" body to the other…yes, string) I let her know it would take an army of 15 to help me get that get up together) She laughs and talks with us a while and then asks us if we would like a lap dance. Well, if I was to go, I would say, "HELL YEAH!" So most likely she would take my $25.00 and give me, Krystal and Larkin the best four minutes of our lives.

If such a place like this existed it would probably stay open till 5am. I mean, they can't serve alcohol, so why close down early? So we would certainly have to stay till it closed. In the meantime, there would be no line for the girls bathroom (major plus!!) and I would explore my surroundings. What is this…? A VIP room. I wonder what goes on in here… ::me casually walking into the VIP room:: OH MY. Mmmk. ::Walking out:: I probably only saw curtains and personal booths and tables you can dance on…and even though none of the curtains were drawn, I can imagine. I can also imagine me not ever knowing because after my inquiring as to what the VIP room is about…the only thing I heard was $40.00 to get in. Hell to the naw. I have boobs and a cho-cha…I don't need to pay $40.00 to see it. (but I sure as hell would pay $25.00 for it to come up to my table and put its long legged butt in my face now wouldn't I…hummm)

So if I was to go to a strip club, that you can BYOB, towards the end of the night I would probably be getting a little brave…and then Ms. Trinity would come out and dance and I would waltz my happy ass up to the stage with my happy little dollar in hand and have a shit eatin grin on my face thinking how damn good this Trinity was at her job. How the HELL does she do it? I am mesmerized by the fact that she can flirt with every person in this room and yet still make you feel like she only knows you!! AMAZING! I envy her skills! I would give her my dollar after she says hi to MY twins (complementing me on my new Victoria's Secret bra I got that day for 25% off…she says she has one too, but in black…of course she does!)

Then later that night she would signal for Krystal, Larkin and I to get our cute little bootays on the stage with her. Sure. What the fuck. Why not?! I am already about 12 beers down by then, right? Sure I would be. So, we would all be stripped for a second time by a fabulously gorgeous stripper, that has even managed to remember all of our names and thanks us individually for our dollar bills. She is just good like that.

Does the song, "I'm in love with a stripper" come to mind?

So if I was to ever actually go to a strip club, I would want it to be EXACTLY like that.